Wolfen's Blog

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The Year of the Rat

Well tomorrow begins the year of the Rat.  We will be finished with the year of the Pig.  Last year I brought the new year in with the song "New York, New York" as sung in Times Square after the ball dropped.  This year I'm hoping for something more inspirational.  I'm hoping that the first song I hear is somehow significant.  I have this thing with the first song of the New Year.  I think it sets the "theme" if you will for the entire year.

This past year was probably one of the best years yet.  My husband and I celebrated our second anniversary.  We have melded more each year as a couple and I'm sure that this coming year will be even better than last year in that respect.  Health-wise, this past year I started taking Bountiful Breasts supplement to produce prolactin in my body to try and fix MS damage in my brain/spinal cord.  I also stopped taking Verapamil.  My legs and arms have been experiencing more neuropathic pain than in previous years and that has me concerned that my medications may need to be increased.  Increasing THC is always a bit tricky because it causes mental loopiness...for about a month while you adjust to the higher dose.  I have been taking more THC on an ongoing basis and soon I think I will have to change my prescription to reflect the need for more.  That is kind of sucky.  However, I must admit that I haven't been doing too badly despite all that.

Personally I'm looking forward to the next year...this is the year I get trained as a tattooist.  It's also the year that I hope to lose a bit of weight and win the lottery! :)  My husband is hoping to get a new job (waiting to hear about one actually) but I hope that even if that falls through that he does find a job he enjoys where they don't try to suck the life out of him.  I'm sure that he is eager to move on too...he hates where he works.  This is the year he gets the job he wants...I'm sure of it!

This year I'm getting more ink...completing my current phoenix and then moving on to the other arm and getting a fall scene on my arm...with a chipmunk.  By this time next year I hope to have two full sleeves of ink that truly express who I am as a person....and will be planning for a gryphon with red roses on my side.  My husband wants to get another hot rod, kustom kulture tattoo...this time possibly of a V8 symbol and some checkered flags and a skull...should be very old skool looking.  He's toying with a few other ideas too...can't make up his mind!  I suspect that by next year at this time we'll both be more tattooed than we are now.

I hope you have a wonderful new year's eve and a prosperous and healthy 2008...and I hope that if your neighbours fire off shotguns at midnight like mine do that you're inside and safe! :)  Have a good one.

Bleh.

I woke up with my period today...and the day has gotten slowly worse ever since!  Nothing terrible happened or anything earth-shattering...just feeling bloated and sore and completely cramped up.  My period has gotten a lot more heavy and painful since being on the prolactin supplements.  That stands to reason too, prolactin is heavily present in young women going through puberty. 

When I was young and going through puberty my period was HORRIBLE!  It was 8 days long and I had to use full on "plus-sized" protection for the entire thing.  It was no surprise when I ended up aneomic at age 13 because the blood loss some months was enough to kill a wounded animal!  I had forgotten about that joy...until recently when it started getting just as bad as it was when I was 13.  It's not quite back up to 8 days long, but it sure is a lot stronger than it used to be.  I was getting away with using almost no products from one month to the next.  It will all be worth it if this prolactin helps me to actually fight off MS.

Speaking of prolactin, I haven't talked about it in a while...mainly because there wasn't much to talk about.  I take it and there's not much more to it.  It causes no real side effects (except for that extended period) and though my breasts are still growing at the same rate, the bra size has stayed the same for a while because I'm "filling it up".  Every week I notice it getting a little more fitted and a little more fitted.  Eventually I will outgrow this bra but I now notice that it's taking a lot longer to fill the bras as they get larger and larger.  I expect that the growth will settle down soon and I just won't be able to shift enough fat and protein into that area of my body.  I am expecting that by the time I finish growing I'll be an F cup...based on current projections!  I am now in a full D (I started out between an A and a B) and I expect to hit DD before February of this year.

While I was having my tattoo done my tattooist was telling me that she hates how flat chested she is, even though she's a very slim woman with a beautiful figure.  I told her that she was so lucky to be so slim and her response made me VERY happy.  She said "Yeah but you're lucky because you have a gorgeous hourglass shape."  I was so surprised to be called hourglass, I almost laughed at her and said "Me??? Hourglass???" but I didn't because I realized that I am an hourglass shape now...I just don't feel like I am because the growth happened so quickly.  I don't think of myself as any different than I did, but what I don't realize is that OTHER people do.  In fact, one of my husband's friends commented that I had a "gorgeous rack" the other day.  She wasn't hitting on me but I get the impression that she wouldn't have kicked me out of bed for eating crackers either!  Funny what a couple of cup sizes do to people's impression of you.  Weird.

Anyway that's the update on the "Bountiful Breast" pills.  They are working very well at creating me boobs but I still have to admit that the jury is out on whether or not they're improving my MS at all.  I think that it's going to be a long-term result.  What I mean is that I think that it will be one of those things that over years will show improvement...and that it will be more evident to others than it is to me.  The way I will know I'm "better" is if I have enough energy to do an aerobic workout on an ongoing basis.  That is something that I really enjoyed when I was "healthy" and now that I am in the throws of MS I haven't been able to do.  Regular aerobic exercise will be a sure-fire sign that I'm "better".  But until I get some more energy I can't even fathom such a thing.  I have tried on occasion and have even succeeded on occasion to use my recumbent bike for like ten minutes, but to do a full workout and to keep doing full workouts...that is something that would prove I was doing better.  I will keep on taking the prolactin until I'm able to do my workouts again.

Migraine

Today I have a migraine.  That means we won't be able to go to dinner at my husband's half-sister's place.  He's devastated.  Okay he's actually thrilled that we can't go.  They didn't want us to get together at their place (surprise, surprise) because it's too messy.  They wanted to go out someplace for something to eat.  This would involve spending far too many hours with them so it's just as well that I have a migraine.

They phoned this morning while I was sleeping (of course) and discussed all of this with my husband.  They actually offered to come right over at that moment and help my husband with the roof (he's removing ice that's damming up).  Anyway, he managed to tell them that he wasn't ready to work on the roof at that exact moment and that he'd prefer to get together later.  When I suggested that we see what was happening and maybe invite them over (but I'd be in bed) he was going to call them and suggest this, but then I stopped him because they would have come over right then!  I said that we should wait until later and then make the call if we're going to invite them because they'll drop what they're doing and arrive minutes later...no matter what time we TELL them to come at.  I told my husband that with the medications I take it's very hard for me to not just blurt out the things that occur to me and that if she showed up too early I'd probably say something regrettable...something very much "not nice".  I have absolutely no problem saying those things thanks to way too much THC.  It's a little like being drunk for what it does to your "freedom of speech".

So we'll see what happens, but I can say that neither my husband nor I want them here...not even a little.  They are the world's most annoying people.  What makes them so annoying is the fact that they try to do everything for you.  It's like if you tell them that you're just going to be at home, they'll show up because you're not doing anything.  You literally have to be at home but busy all the time or they'll show up.  So you can never admit anything to them.  If you do admit something to them they use it as a reason for giving you something crappy.  So if you happen to accidentally mention that you enjoy baking, they'll buy you a bunch of really crappy and really cheap baking stuff and then bring it to you and insist that you use it for something.  It's a very sweet gesture but when it happens constantly with every single thing you mention, you begin to feel very irritated by it.  It's literally "killing us with kindness".  And it's with ANYTHING you mention about your life.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about.  I once mentioned that I wanted an antique spinning wheel...one of those gorgeous ones you see in the antique shops...the kind that don't actually usually work.  I don't spin wool and never will so I wasn't looking for a functioning one, just one that would look divine in my dining room corner!  Anyway I made the mistake of mentioning this in front of his sister.  So somehow she convinces my husband that what I really want is a WORKING spinning wheel that doesn't really look nice at all...with all the required books and lessons to learn how to spin yarn.  Remember that I have specifically mentioned that I don't want it to work because I have no intention of EVER spinning yarn.

So along rolls Christmas that year and wrapped up in bags and newspaper is a big package that very obviously looks like a spinning wheel.  YAY a spinning wheel for our dining room!  I can't wait!  I open it up and I look at this ugly, functional spinning wheel.  I'm confused.  Then I look at the bags of "stuff" beside the spinning wheel.  There's raw wool and some books on spinning yarn.  I looked at my husband and I absolutely freaked out.  I said "You want me to SPIN yarn???"  He was like "Well my sister thought you'd enjoy it since you're at home all day..."  I was furious.  I said "LOOK I wasn't at all interested in spinning yarn, I was interested in a beautiful ANTIQUE...not a make-work project!"  I never wanted to learn or have anything to do with spinning yarn, I JUST wanted a gorgeous piece of history to adorn my home.  Instead I have this ugly spinning wheel that sits in my dining room making me crazy every time I look at it.  It will be the first thing to go if we ever move..."Oh it was such a shame, we dropped a piano on it!"  (note to self, buy a piano).  To top everything off, EVERY time we see his sister, she gives me a NEW accessory for MY FUCKING SPINNING WHEEL!  The last time I told her "I am never going to use that wheel, I wanted it as a decoration."  She said "It was one of my best spinning wheels that I sold to your husband...if you want I can take it back and give you one that doesn't work."  I think she's missing the point. 

The whole point is that every single interaction with these people goes exactly like the spinning wheel...it's "almost" a good gift, but it never is.  And it's almost a fun time but it never is.  They are so weird and there are very few people who can quite irritate my like they can...grr....can you tell my blood is boiling?  I actually pride myself on being pretty tolerant of some pretty weird personalities but these people are beyond my own abilities.  My husband, who is way more tactful than I am also finds them impossible to deal with.  We may move some day to avoid them...seriously.

Friday?

I could have swore today was Saturday...well cool!  That means that we have an entire day to just do whatever we want.  Tomorrow we have to go to visit my husband's half sister.  She lives in a nice little home with her husband but their house is extremely cramped.  They keep everything.  I mean EVERYTHING and when you go into their home, aside from the kitchen, which isn't too badly cluttered, the rest of the house has a path about eighteen inches wide that goes through the entire place and that is the ONLY space, aside from furniture, where you can move.  You have to follow the path through the house and get to the seating area and sit.  If you deviate from the path you will trip over boxes. 

The dining room table is stacked to the ceiling with "stuff" and underneath the table is also packed with "stuff" in boxes or loose.  Basically the entire place, except for the kitchen looks like a giant storage locker.  It's a complete fire hazard and as someone who gets claustrophobic at times, it gives me the heebie-jeebies.  My husband refrained from taking me to his half-sister's place for well over a year because he said he didn't want me to think that he'd be somehow like they are in any way!  He was afraid he'd scare me off when I saw how insane she is with her pack-ratting.

The reason we're going over there is that the last time, they came over here.  Once they're in your home, you can't get rid of them.  They won't go away.  And if you do make the mistake of inviting them over, they always show up at least an hour before you told them to.  In other words, if I said "Show up at 5:30 at night" they'd show up at maybe 3:00 or 3:30 in the afternoon.  Seriously.  And they stay as late as they want.  The last time they stayed until 11:00 pm, but the time before that they stayed until 4:00 in the morning!  Even if you say "I'm going to bed." they just keep talking.  It's like they speak another language and don't understand basic conventions of time.  So we don't invite them over anymore.  Instead, we insist on meeting them out or going to their place, where we can LEAVE whenever we want.  We visit for a short time and then leave.  And we don't invite them over ever for any reason.  We also can't tell them about blogs, facebook or any other online places we visit because they won't accept no for an answer and they'd be inviting us over literally every day.  Literally.  The only reason we don't get phone calls constantly from them is that my husband didn't give them our home number and they only have his cell phone number.  He screens his calls so they don't bother him.  They consider my husband "EXTREMELY hard to get a hold of"...but so far they don't seem to have taken the hint.  Crazy.

The problem is not that they'd want to spend time with us, it's that they want to spend ALL their time with us.  They want to spend their weekends with us, weeknights.  His sister would have us over every day if we'd go.  It's weird and very crazy.  VERY crazy. 

Impromptu Visitors

My family came by today to visit, uninvited.  It was fine and we enjoyed their company but we didn't get the day to ourselves which was unfortunate.  I also found out that we'll be having to go to my husband's half-sister's place for a visit before the week is up as well.  We also have friends that we're inviting over for a visit on Friday.  *sigh*  So much for a relaxing week of hanging out.  My husband took off New Year's Eve (the entire day) so that we'd have a chance to be alone...it looks like New Year's might be the only day we get to ourselves!

My uncle emailed me today to show me some of his photos.  He is something of an amateur photographer and likes to share his images online.  He really is talented but his subject matter gets dry and boring very quickly...he likes to photograph leaves and fungi and flowers and dead foliage.  Anyway, after I admired his various fungi and mosses I commented that I hoped he had a great Christmas and then something funny happened.  He said something along the lines of "Hey tattooed person, betcha didn't know that I'd know about your tattoo...wondering how news travels so fast??"  I thought this was funny because I haven't made any attempts to hide my tattoo and have in fact been very proud of it and showing it off whenever I can!  So I knew exactly why he knew I had a tattoo!  Funny...I think I took the fun out of it for him because I think he was expecting that I hadn't told my parents yet, but they were among the first to find out.  I didn't want them finding out from him! :)

It's amusing to me that in my late 30's my uncle still thinks that I'm somehow embarrassed or otherwise bothered by people knowing what I'm up to.  The fact is that at this point in my life I am so finished with hiding myself from the world.  I am no longer pretending to be something I'm not...and I do not treat my parents like they need to be sheltered from reality.  I tell them the same things I tell everyone else about my beliefs and my ideas and what I do with my time.  They have learned that if you don't want to know, it's better not to ask.  My uncle is entertainingly repressed and so it amuses me to no end to see him squirming trying to deal with my latest ink!  I think that even my own parents have handled it better...at least they are honest that they don't like tattoos but that they don't hold it against me.  He's so awkward that he doesn't even know what to say.  He'll get over it.

Wired

Well we had a wonderful Christmas with family...tomorrow we do it all over again with my husband's family.  I'm wired right now from all the chocolate and sugar...still awake hours later than I should be.  I'm going to take an extra THC tonight (this morning) to try and help deal with it all.  You'd think I'd be exhausted and ready for bed because of all the stress and from being too busy...but nope!  Instead I'm wired and hyper.  Not good.

I just took a THC and it's 4:20 am.  Hee-hee!  That makes me laugh.  "4:20" is stoner lingo for "time to smoke a joint".  I learned that when I was a teenager and smoking copious amounts of pot, but I still laugh when my THC meds happen to get taken at 4:20.  (This is a lot funnier if you understand that THC is the active ingredient in pot).  Incidentally, the correct usage of the "4:20" thing is to say "I bet it's 4:20 somewhere!" or "Hey isn't it 4:20 soon?"  Drug culture is strange.  For no apparent reason, here's a list of the terms I used to use when I was a little pothead:  Tater, spliff, twistie, doobie, reefer, ganga, smoke, 'moke, MJ, leaf, weed, shish (for hash)...and so on.  Basically nobody calls it marijuana unless they're referring to it in a medical context.

I don't know why I decided to share all of that, but sometimes it's fun to think about youth and its craziness.  Most of the time I'm pretty embarrassed about that time of my life, but every once in a while I get a chuckle from thining about it.  And on that note, I now think I can sleep! :)

Wow a Whole Day of Nothing

Today my husband and I did nothing.  It was sublime.  We spent the day chatting and hanging out and playing with the dog.  It was an excellent day.  We totally stole today too!  That's what makes it feel so great...we earned it!  By getting ready early this year we were able to budget an entire day where we were able to do basically nothing, right before the big crazy!  It's going to make the next few days a lot easier to manage because we had one day of mental and physical rest. 

My husband is playing on the Xbox right now.  He's beside me enjoying his down time.  After spending a whole day chatting and enjoying each other's company we're now spending some "me" time apart...even though we're right beside each other.  He's saving the world from killer zombies or something and I'm exercising my writing muscles.  Good times!

Tomorrow we go to my parents' place for supper and then opening gifts.  Then we come home and have some time to ourselves to open our gifts.  Then the next day (Christmas) we'll go to my husband's parents' place and do it all over again.  I'm usually exhausted by Boxing Day.  Boxing Day we're going to bake up some sausage balls and get them ready for later in the week when friends of ours will come by to visit and open gifts as well. 

We were supposed to be toning things down but no matter what we do we always end up with the same annual traditions...and it's not exactly "high key" but the few activities we do always leave me feeling an "MS hangover".  It takes me a while to recover from Christmas and then we have our extended family get together at New Year's and we do it all over again!  I'll be honest, by the time the annual New Year's Day family get together is over I'm pretty dern sick of my family!  I get a little bit of a family overdose at this time of year.

Today was like a found gem...we didn't do anything Christmassy at all and now I think we're really going to enjoy the days to come because of this little mental vacation.

Finished with a Day to Spare

Today we finished EVERYTHING in time for Christmas.  I mean everything too...not a thing left to be done before Christmas Eve.  I have never had a year where everything was done this early.  We usually don't get a break until Boxing Day or later.  Instead, tomorrow we have the day to ourselves...my husband and I will have a day to just relax.  It's going to be so nice.

We were really busy today doing chores, finishing up wrapping and getting the last loose ends tied up.  I'm very tired tonight and my legs are quite sore.  I was on them for far too many hours today and I'm really paying for it now.  I hope they feel better tomorrow, but even if they don't I have a whole day to laze about and get them feeling better!  YAY!

My tattoo is starting to peel pretty noticeably.  I lather it up with lotion a few times a day to keep it from getting itchy.  Soon all the tattooed skin will have peeled and the outline will have healed.  My husband is already talking about wanting another tattoo...his first one has just finished healing.  He's excited to go back and see my tattoo get coloured in but he's also trying to plan his next one out.  I think he may be one of those people who becomes addicted to tattoos!

Well I'm absolutely bagged right now so I'm going to go to bed...I really hope that the MS monster leaves me alone for the next few days while we go through all the crazy festivities.  I have no idea how much of stress/excitement/fun/my mother I can take!  We'll see how it all goes, but however it turns out, I know I'll be really glad when it's all done! :)

Happy Winter Solstice

Tomorrow is the shortest day of the year...Winter Solstice.  From here on in the days get longer.  Winter Solstice is a fantastic celebration; and a reminder that spring is not THAT far away.

We merge Winter Solstice with Christmas in this household.  It's truly a Pagan/Christian hybrid.  We say "Merry Christmas" to some and "Happy Holidays" to others.  It's all the same meaning though..."We hope you have a wonderful celebration and a fabulous new year."  It's a greeting we say in many ways, including "Happy Christmanukkah" to a couple we know who are Jewish/Christian.  They celebrate both festivals in their chosen faiths as well.  It's a wonderful time of year.  All the lunatic shopping and the insane waste of money is paled by the receiving of a greeting from a friend and a warm smile from a stranger.

I wish you a Happy Winter Solstice even if you don't celebrate the event because it is my way of saying that I hope your winter is excellent.  I wish you a Merry Christmas if you celebrate Christmas, and a Happy Chanukkah if you are celebrating that particular festival and if you celebrate in no particular way, then I wish you peace of mind during this crazy time of year! 

However you spend your time, I hope it is pleasant and happy and if you spend it alone, I hope you know that you are still being thought of and cared about.  I wish peace to EVERYONE of all faiths and all walks of life and I hope that your next year is the best one yet.

Peace. :)

Snow

I love snow.  It's been snowing off and on now for a few days and we've got another couple of inches in light fluff on top of the foot of snow we got before that.  It really is looking amazing out there.  I can't wait for more snow. 

In 1972 this area got a snowfall that was a record for the area.  Kids were able to climb up onto their own rooves to slide down them.  I was too young to remember it all, but I have seen photos of the snow we got and it was incredible.  I hope this is another one of those winters.  In fact I believe it's well on its way already.  If we can get a few more snowstorms like that last one we'll be soon be able to climb from the snowbanks onto the roof! 

The dog loves this weather and spends all of his time out there just enjoying the snow.  He lies in it, rolls around in it, and pretty much thinks it's the best winter ever!  He's a very furry dog so he's able to just spend hours sleeping in the snow with his nose tucked in under his fluffy tail.  He looks like my little snow angel!

I hope that if you haven't already had some snow that you get some soon...especially in time for the holiday season. 

Thing in my Sock

There's a thing in my sock that's strangling my toe.  I have fiddled with it using my toes to try to pull it out from the inside of my sock.  *pause*

Whew, I got the thing out of my sock...that's so annoying!

It's been a mellow day today.  The cleaners came to clean the house.  I would prefer to clean the house myself, but I have MS and that makes it all but impossible for me.  I get far too tired and can't get the work done.  I suppose if my husband was as tidy as I am he'd take care of the cleaning, but he's not.  He doesn't "see" the dirt.  It all looks wonderful to him!  So to allow him some time to relax at night and to allow me not to go insane with a messy house, we have a cleaning team. 

You'd be surprised how many people have sour grapes about the fact that I pay for a cleaner...even though I have a medical reason for it.  It's not the fact that I have a reason for a cleaner that bothers them.  It's the fact that I can afford one.  People dislike it if you spend your hard-earned money on a service that is medically required because they perceive it as a luxury item.  It doesn't matter that the cost of the so-called luxury item often almost puts us out of cash for two weeks.  It doesn't matter that we scrape together our money for it...nope, all they see is someone who is so fucking spoiled that they have a cleaning staff.  Yeah, me and all the other MS patients, who aren't as lucky as I am to be able to afford it, all really feel so special that we have to pay for "medical expenses" out of pocket.  But we're sorry if the fact that we do so makes you feel inadequate somehow because you don't have a cleaning woman at this point in your life.  Yes, my disease and my need for a cleaning woman should take a backseat to your fucking ego.  Whatever.  You'll get over it.  In the meantime I have a cleaning service and I am very happy about it.

Don't mind me, I'm just getting tired at this point in my life of having to apologize that I can afford some nice shit.  I don't brag about it...at least I try not to brag about it, but I also don't see why I should feel ashamed that I can pay for a cleaner.  I don't have a nice car; in fact my car is eleven years old and has a cracked windshield.  However, I fully expect that when we do finally buy a new car we'll get the shame factor from the same assholes that don't think I should have a cleaning woman.  It's becoming apparent to me that the better my husband and I do, the more we have to PRETEND we don't.  It's sick and it's lame.  People's egos are totally ridiculous.

I actually have a cousin who got ANGRY with me when I told her that my husband's first home (condo) is still in our names and we have it rented out as an investment property.  She actually said "Oh, no...you should sell that...no that's not right at all!"  I said "Actually we're going to keep on renting it out and using it as an investment property."  She looked horrified.  Why?  Because she doesn't like that we have two houses and she has one.  It's that simple.  We have an "investment property".  She hates that because somehow that makes her feel less great about her own accomplishments.  Nevermind that the reason we have two houses is because both my husband and I worked really fucking hard.  No nobody cares about that part.  If you've got nice stuff you mustn't deserve it.  And furthermore, nobody wants to hear about it or be happy for you.  The world loves a loser.

I hope this works...

Click Here!

Follow that link to see the photo of my ink :)

Tiring Couple of Days

I got my tattoo on Saturday...it looks awesome.  It's only the outline so far.  I go back in January for the rest of the work.  I then went to a party at my cousin's place.  That was fun.  When I got home the neuropathic pain in my arm started.  MS can cause some weird pain and I guess having my arm in a funny position for five hours was enough to trigger two days of fairly severe neuropathic pain...self-inflicted too so I couldn't feel too sorry for myself!  Of course I had no idea that the tattoo would cause so much discomfort from the MS.  The tattoo itself doesn't hurt at all.

So next month I go back to get the colour added to the image.  If I was in discomfort this time, next time will be a little worse in some ways (more actual tattooing being done) but the liner is the most painful machine so the work won't be as painful but there will be a lot more of it.  I suspect that by the end of the next full day of tattooing that I will be in at least as much pain as I was for the first day...but I'll be much happier because it will be finished! :)

I spent the day after my tattoo sleeping.  I was taking morphine and lots of THC for the neuropathic pain.  It worked and I slept the day away.  Today my arm is still sore, but nowhere near as sore as it was yesterday.  I am so relieved.  There was a very small part of me that was worried that I'd created a new horrible pain for myself that was not going to fade.  It was a little scary to think that I might have hurt myself in a neuropathic way.  Nerves aren't like skin...we can't see damage in nerves and the fear I had was that I had opened up pain pathways that I wasn't going to be able to close.  Fortunately, the neuropathic pain did what it always does and went away.  That means that even though the rest of the tattoo will probably cause me two more days of excruciating neuropathic pain (think burning inside your bones) it will go away eventually.

I guess that means that I should probably consider THAT pain as the real pain of tattoos for me going forward.  I need to examine whether I'm willilng to spend two days in bed after every tattoo from now on.  I can say that it will make me think twice about getting such a HUGE tattoo next time.  I wouldn't want to go through what I'm going through this time with each and every one.  However, I doubt that even the neuropathic pain will stop me from getting what I like in the future.  I will just have to plan for the "downtime" that's all.

No Photo Upload

Things I'm Doing...

Today I worked on my third short story for the book I'm slowly writing.  I only got a couple paragraphs down, but they were important.  They set the tone for the story so I wanted them to be just right.  I don't want to get involved with another case of writer's block anytime soon, so I'm making sure this one goes smoothly by taking my time.

Tomorrow I will be going for my tattoo.  It's supposed to be at least eight hours in the chair.  It may take more than one session, depending on how difficult it is and how much detail she includes.  I'm really looking forward to it.  It's going to be a very large tattoo, starting at the top of my shoulder and working its way all the way down my arm, almost to the wrist.  I'm actually going 3/4 sleeve with it so that I can cover it up easily with a long-sleeved shirt.

I'm getting a phoenix (as I've mentioned before) and surrounding the phoenix will be cherry blossoms and petals sort of falling along my arm in the feathers of the bird.  Should be very pretty.  That's really what I'm hoping too, that it will be "pretty" and not too scary looking.  I don't need to frighten little kids with my ink! 

My husband and I got tattoos for our anniversary on Halloween but we're only getting them done now because that's how long the wait was for our tattooist.  Next year we plan on getting two more tattoos for our anniversary and we're both already coming up with ideas.  I'm going with a Hello Kitty gemini symbol and I believe my husband is getting a Frank Kozik bunny on his other arm.  It's funny because we'll both be getting zodiac symbols, but from different zodiacs.  He was born in the year of the rabbit so the bunny will be appropriate, plus he loves Frank Kozik's work.  I'm a 'true' gemini and so for me getting a hello kitty gemini symbol was kind of a no-brainer.  I love hello kitty! :)

I'm going to post a photo of the phoenix once it's done if there's a way to upload a photo to this blog.  I hope it doesn't have to be a photo with a URL or I'm screwed.

Losing my mind?

I was pretty sure I had posted here since that last post.  I wonder what happened.  Weird.  Maybe I'm just losing my mind.

Feeling Creative

Yesterday was a creative day for me.  I finally wrote the ending to a short story that's been causing me writer's block for probably over a year now.  I can now move onto the next story.  I have been writing short stories now for about three years.  I have two stories written in a series of short stories I want to write.  The short stories themselves tell a story as well.  Sort of a collection of stories about an overlying theme.  Should be great when they're all written.  Now that I've broken my writer's block I'm hoping to keep going for a couple of more stories.

I find that when I write stories I don't just come up with them all at once.  I tend to start the story not really knowing where it's going to go.  I literally fly in the face of all my English teachers in high school who insisted I come up with an outline.  I write better when I don't think.  Sounds crazy, but the best writing I do is done in almost a trance-like state.  When I get into that groove I can totally relate to Stephen King and his ability to keep writing an insane number of stories.  Unfortunately I don't get in that groove nearly as often as Stephen King!  In fact, I believe he is living in that groove.  I just visit on really lucky days!  But I do like to just sit down and start typing and see what happens.  It's amazing how well that works sometimes.

So my overlying story arc is one that I kind of have had in the back of my head for a while.  It's nothing concrete...just an "idea" of where I'm going with the stories I'm writing.  As I get the ideas for each short story, I write them out.  They seem to flow out of my brain and almost directly onto the computer screen...with almost no interaction between my mind and my fingers...just kind of all happening as one process.  It's very cool!  I write and write and write and then all of a sudden I look and I'm finished several chapters. 

My husband and I would eventually like to publish my stories if I can.  I want to wait until I have all of them written before I submit my book for publication.  I also haven't decided if I want to publish with a company or do it myself.  There's a lot of money to be made in DIY publishing if you have the existing fan base.  But if you don't have a fan base you have to start from scratch...and that is sometimes best left to the professionals.  There's merit to either choice but I think I'd like the feeling of success that comes from being published by a book publisher.  I'll start there and see how personally deflated I get before I publish it myself! :)

I've had a very creative week.  I drew some tattoo art and I finished my story.  I am hoping to start a new story soon as well.  This coming weekend I finally get my phoenix tattoo.  I am soooooo happy about that!  I decided that I'd go with cherry blossoms around the phoenix.  Cherry blossoms are so pretty and delicate looking that I really think they'll go perfectly with the phoenix.  It should be an astounding tattoo once it's finished.  I hope I can manage eight hours or more in the chair.  That will be a creative end to a creative week! 

Interesting Human Dynamic

People don't like it when you do well.  They like it when you do "okay" but if you do well they tend to take it personally.  Every time in my life that I've been proud of something I've done it's always been those I least expect that are positive.  Those who are closest to me are often not.  They have to pry their goodwill out of their craw and say something nice, but they really don't like it.

I wonder what it is about others doing well that is so hard for humans to swallow.  When one of my friends has something great happen to them I rejoice with them and am often the first one to congratulate them and tell them how great they are.  I'm also one of the ONLY people to do this.  I think this is the answer to my sister-in-law's query "How do you have so many facebook friends?"  The answer is that I've always been positive towards these people and encouraged them and been happy for them.  I am seeing now that this is a rare thing to encounter...someone who wishes you well and is happy when you do some good.

There are certain people who are always happy for me if things go my way or if I achieve a goal or do something worthwhile.  They are the ones I usually ask for advice because they seem to have my best interests at heart.  They also seem to have their own egos in check enough to say something positive without it meaning that they are inferior by comparison.  I am realizing at this point in my life that these people, these gems of friends are just worth their weight in gold! 

My husband is one of these people.  Encouraging and supportive, he is always there for me.  I am really lucky to have someone like that in my life.  I love that he is so able to freely give of himself to me and that he sees my successes as his successes.  It is so wonderful to have someone like that behind me.

My Mother and the Damn Tree.

My mother was up to her usual tricks this week.  She wanted to help my husband and I get our Christmas tree.  She and my dad have a Chrysler Pacifica and can carry a tree in their vehicle so they offered to help us get our tree.  I said that it would be nice if they helped us.  So my mom then says "Well the Pacifica can only hold a tree that's 86" tall so you'll have to measure that out and see if that will be big enough."  Then she says "And if you want to go and get it you should drive over there and see what their hours are so we can go when they're open."  So now, instead of just getting in the car and going to get a tree we have to find a measuring tape, measure out 86 inches and decide if that's acceptable.  Assuming that it IS acceptable we now have to drive over to the tree lot and write down their hours (they don't have a phone).  Then I can come back to my house and report all of this shit to my mom.  Fuck that noise.

So I very nicely said "Don't worry about it Mom, we'll get a tree somehow."  She was agitated by that and pushed me more "How will you get it yourself?  You can't get a tree!"  So I said "We'll borrow my brother's truck and we'll head over one night this week."  She said "FINE" and hung up.

So today my mom called me and had a very terse tone of voice.  She wanted me to feel the chill because she said "I was just about to email the list of foods for the get together and I wanted to confirm that you're still going and that you still want to bring anything."  Her tone basically was saying "So are you still going to this thing and if so what food will you bring?"  I said VERY CHEERFULLY "Yes we're going and we're bringing bacon-wrapped prunes."  She responds in her chilly tone "You'll have to bring pickles too, everyone brings two things."  I was like (again very pleasantly) "Sounds great, we'll bring pickles too then."  She is not going to get to me this time.

My husband is looking forward to getting my brother's truck and getting our tree for himself.  He's the "man" of the house and gets tired of my parents always running over here to "help" (read 'control') things.  He said he's glad that I refused their help because he's looking forward to choosing the tree and getting it home on our own.  If I had known this I wouldn't have accepted my parents' help in previous years!

What I find interesting about my mom's call is that she said "I'm about to email this list..."  So if she was going to email it why bother calling?  Because you can't hear "terse phone tone" in an email.  She WANTED me to know she's pissed.  Whatever.  My husband said it best "She'll get over it."  And she will.

Crappy

Lazy Day

Today was a lazy day.  I'm sitting with my husband by the fire.  We're listening to Christmas carols!  We got 2.5 Gb of Christmas music from a guy from my husband's work.  It's putting me in the mood to run through a mall with a machine gun.  Wait, no that's not it!  :) 

I actually really enjoy Christmas carols...but sometimes they can be a bit much.  When I'm in a mall I find it actually quite surreal to hear cheerful music that's almost saccharine sweet juxtaposed against the chaotic backdrop of mad holiday shoppers.  It's enough to make you laugh out loud sometimes.  However sitting here listening to Bing Crosby is pretty cool.

Tomorrow we have to decorate the house...sans tree.  We need to get a tree soon, but first we'll get the place partially decorated.  That way the tree will be the last thing that needs decorating. 

Next weekend I get my phoenix tattoo and I'm completely stoked to get it.  I got to talk to my tattooist about specific details regarding the tattoo while we were there for my husband's tattoo this past week.  We're going with cherry blossoms around the phoenix.  I think they'll look the prettiest.  I really want a pretty looking tattoo...something that my nieces and nephews won't think is "scary"...I'm tired of scaring them!  (Apparently I used to scare them when they were younger.)  I want to be able to show them the phoenix without them thinking it's something "yucky".

While I was at the tattoo shop with my husband a woman came in to "book a tattoo for her daughter".  She was a woman in her 40's.  Her daughter is turning 16 and she's booking the appointment because you can't legally get a tattoo without a guardian's approval if you're under 18 in this city.  So rather than figure that maybe there's a reason for that age limit, this woman is going to get her daughter a tattoo at age 16.  I don't know about you, but the stuff I thought was cool when I was 16 years old looks nothing like the stuff I think is cool now.  The tattoo is going on her shoulder which is good, but still...the skin is still growing at age 16.  That tattoo is going to spread a LOT as she ages and finishes growing.  My tattooist says she won't do tattoos on anyone under 18 for any reason...but the other tattooists are not as discerning and will do the work.  When I think of me at age 16...if I had asked for a tattoo my parents would have laughed heartily!

Long Day

What a day.  My husband's first tattoo was today.  He got a cigar-smoking devil on his arm.  It's really well done.  It turned out beautifully.  He's very happy about it.

I talked to my tattooist about the course I want to take in Michigan.  She was immediately against the school, even though I don't think she's heard of it before.  It was interesting to hear her objections.  They ranged from "I had to do an apprenticeship and so should you." to "You can learn that stuff in a day course at St. John's Ambulance."  When I explained that I have MS and that a full-time apprenticeship wouldn't really work for me, she softened and became a little more understanding.  We talked about my upcoming phoenix tattoo and all the books I have read and the things I have learned and by the time she was finished my husband's tattoo she was a lot more understanding about my interest.  In fact, I think she even realized that a woman my age doesn't become a tattooist because she watches Miami Ink...a woman who has spent her life wanting to be a tattooist but never being able to is how she saw me at the end of it all.  Which is a fair representation of what I am.  She even slid me some flash art copies so I could take them with me and said "You should draw one of these up."

I am going to do exactly that.  When I go for my phoenix tattoo, I'm going to bring her a drawing of the Japanese warrior goddess that she gave me to take with me.  I'm going to draw it out freehand on non transparent paper (so she won't think I traced it).  I'm going to draw it out in my own style and change up some of the details so that it's a little more personal to me.  She'll see that I can draw even some very difficult Japanese artwork when I want to...and then maybe she will see that it's not crazy for me to want to go to school to be a tattooist.  Of course she still won't approve of the school but whatever, I gotta learn somehow! 

Snack Time

One of my favourite snacks is to have slices of Danish Havarti with dill (cheese) and some sliced Bick's dill pickles.  The sourness of the dill pickle is nicely contrasted with the creamy cheese.  The dill in both the cheese and the pickles sort of ties the two flavours together nicely.  It's a simple snack and I really enjoy it. 

Today I had to give an interview to the Catholic Church regarding the annulment of a friend's marriage.  It was pretty intense.  I spent an hour on the phone with the lady as she grilled me about my friend's most personal details and most traumatic life events.  It was really hard for me to imagine my friend going through all of this, but it's what she wants to do.  Personally I would just skip the annulment but she's really wanting to be remarried in the Catholic Church.  I can't fault her for wanting it...she is a very devout Catholic.  She told me that there was a point during her interview where it crossed her mind to just say "screw it" and skip the annulment, but she really wants this marriage to work and figures that starting it off this way will make them happy.  Good for her!

I'm all for people having a faith if it gets them what they need.  I think my friend is Catholic because that is what she was raised to be.  I don't think she gives it much more thought than that.  For her it's almost out of love and respect for her mother that she remains a devout Catholic, but whatever her reasons, she really does try.  I feel like she is so worried about what they'll think of her and what they're going to say about her...the hipocrisy of it all makes me ill quite frankly.  I mean here we have a panel of men who are mostly pedophiles or pedophile sympathizers who are going to decide whether my friend is moral enough to deserve a second chance to get married to another Catholic and have children who would be raised Catholic.  Come on, we all know they're going to approve it...they just like to make her sweat it out.  Oh and let's not forget the "suggested" donation.  In fact, they ask how much money you are prepared to pay to have it go through...seriously, they asked her this.  Like I said, I am all for people having a faith if it gets them what they need. 

So my friend wants to have a Catholic wedding even though she was married before.  Her husband was abusive and wouldn't seek help with it so she had to leave.  I was called upon to verify the details of the breakup.  Basically the guy became a violent abusive man once they were married.  Not much that I can see that she could have done.  The fact that they make her feel like shit for it all is bad enough but then going through every detail of her WHOLE life with a fine-toothed comb...well it was extremely gruelling for her.  She wasn't too happy about it all.  Seems like a crappy thing to do to her but I guarantee they'll make her cry again before this is over.  It's what they do.  Humiliate the humiliated.  It's why I'm a lapsed Catholic.  I got tired of being told I sucked.

Visit from a Friend

A friend of mine came by today to visit.  She's on leave from work because of a whole pile of stress she's under.  She's a parole officer and she's having a hell of a time at work.  She's being given a really hard time by coworkers who don't appreciate her integrity and her devotion to her job.  It's terrible when stuff like this happens.  She's a brilliant worker and she has literally single-handedly kept a serial killer in making off the streets.  Her very higher up management is thrilled with her work and she's being commended by them and by some serious professionals in the corrections world.  However, her coworkers are petty and jealous of her kudos and make her life a living hell because of it.  This woman has literally single-handedly kept a man off the streets of this city who was tying up teenaged girls and raping them.  He took photos of one of them hanging from her neck (choking) while he masturbated.  She nearly died. 

Our corrections service was pushing to let this guy back on the street because none of the complaints of a sexual nature about him had ever been officially recorded.  This woman went through ever school file, every camp counsellor's note, every criminal activity he's ever committed and found important information about his methodology and his "turn ons" and was able to convince a panel of psychologists that this guy is literally one step away from killing a teenager.  He even practices with his "girlfriends" by having them submit to his "mock murders" with nooses and choking.  This guy is behind bars tonight because of the work of this ONE person.  Somewhere someone's teenaged child will come home because she wasn't murdered by this lunatic and the thanks this woman gets is that she's had to leave the office because her coworkers and boss are jealous and can't admit she was right.  It sickens me that someone this good gets this much flack trying to do so much good for our society.  Because of her coworkers pettiness, she is now NOT working on the next serial killer because she is so stressed out from office politics that she cannot do her job.

Winter is Definitely Here

It's so beautiful outside.  We got about eight inches of snow last night and the whole area is so bright and clean and fluffy looking.  The sky is still overcast because the snow continues to gently fall and the tall pine trees stand out majestically against the white backdrop.  It's as pretty as a postcard. 

I'm reading a book of Tattoo sketches.  It's mostly pictures but there's some very interesting text as well.  I also got a book today from Amazon.  It's called "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited".  It's a psychology text book about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It's tag line is "Narcissists, Psychopaths and Abusive Relationships".  I believe this text will help me manage my husband's friend who is a frequent source of irritation in my life.  I need to understand his "wiring" so I can work around it.  That's basically what they say about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that you can't ever expect it to be "cured" because narcissistic people never seek to "fix" themselves because the nature of their disorder makes them believe it's "everyone else's fault" anyway.  They don't even usually seek help with the NPD...it's usually depression from being alienated (by their own doing) that causes them to seek help.  It's one of the most underdiagnosed personality disorders out there.  My husband's friend has this disorder but has been diagnosed as "Bipolar...except without the manic phase."  That's not even a diagnosis!!!  So he's on Topomax (for a disease he doesn't have) but the problem is not that he's depressed, the problem is that he's delusional.  He's suffering (I believe) from NPD and I want to learn how to be able to stand being in the same room with the guy.  He should not be on Topomax though...that stuff is pretty much a frontal labotomy in a bottle.

My husband got two bottles of "Brenniven" from Iceland today that we're giving as gifts this year.  They arrived in the mail and I can't believe I didn't have to pay any duty or anything on them.  Two bottles of Icelandic Schnapps and I didn't have to fill out any paperwork.  Amazing!  The same thing happened when I bought my Absinthe from the Czech Republic, it arrived without any paperwork and without any taxes or duty owing.  Surely it must be an oversight, but it hardly seems like a coincidence when both times we've bought booze from Europe it's come across without even a hiccup.  All I can say is "Wow!"