Wolfen's Blog

A Really Nice Day.

Halloween was a lot of fun.  We only got about 20 kids for candy, but that's all we ever get so it was great.  We actually got them all in two doorbell-fulls!  We only got disturbed twice all night, but the last doorbell ring was literally a TRAILER filled with little tiny kids.  They all had really adorable costumes on...many this year were dragons or tigers.  Anyway, they arrived on the back of a trailer travelling REALLY slowly behind a minivan.  There were almost as many parents as there were kids and I believe they had planned their visit, because they ascended on us and declared "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!" at the door.  It was spectacular!  There were so many kids all at once that we didn't quite know if we'd have enough candy!  But it all worked out and we had seven bags leftover, just enough for my husband to munch on at work this week!

For our anniversary, my husband and I went out to Big Daddy's restaurant.  It's a New Orleans style eatery with lots of cajun and creole cooking.  My husband had crab cakes and paella and I had a dozen oysters on the half shell and some seafood pasta in creole sauce....it's soooo yummy there!  Anyway we ate and then bolted to get home in time for Halloween.  Next year my husband said he'd take more than just the one day off so we could properly enjoy the season without all the rush.  Next year he's taking a week off.  That ought to allow us to get into it! :)  It's such a busy day that it would be nice to spread it out over a few days.  Then maybe it wouldn't be a scramble.

I hope you had lots of fun this night and that you were visited by the spirits of many happy children! :)

The Eve of All Hallow's Eve

We're at home tonight getting ready for Halloween...our anniversary and our favourite holiday.  So much fun!  We have four pumpkins to carve this year.  My husband is carving the faces that I drew on.  I am looking forward to seeing them lit up. 

We treat Halloween slightly differently than we treat Samhain, which we celebrated on the full moon.  Halloween is more of a celebration and time for family and getting together with friends.  Samhain is more of a spiritual event...and has much less in the way of "trappings".  Though we were supposed to go to the Witches' Gathering this year, I wasn't well enough to go.  We'll go next year.

I got my C cup bra out of the laundry today...what a relief.  I had been going braless because I only have one C cup bra and none of my B cup bras fit anymore.  They hurt to wear.  I won't buy myself more than one C cup bra because I'm almost into a D cup bra now...seems silly to have more than one of a bra size I'm about to outgrow.  So I got my only fitting bra out of the wash and now I feel soooo much better.  I hate going braless.  In fact, I often sleep with a bra because it's more comfortable.  I have extremely sensitive nipples!  Basically I just find a bra is way more comfy and so spending a whole day without one was really weird!  I won't be doing that again soon if I can help it.  I ordered some D cup bras, which are on their way.  I am hoping they arrive quickly so I can wear one of them the next time my bra needs to be washed.  I suspect that by Christmas I'll be in at least a D but maybe even a DD.  If anyone is wondering if Bountiful Breasts works...it most certainly does.  I started out as an A/B (in between the two sizes) and am now almost into a D cup bra...and I've only been on it for a few months (perhaps as many as seven).

So Long B

I'm unable to wear my B cup bras now.  I am into a C, but not only am I into a C, the underwire on the B cup now digs into my sides.  I looked on a bra website and it said that if the underwire on the sides digs in that it's because you need to go up a cup size.  That will teach me to wear the B when my C is in the wash!  As amusing as this gain is, I must admit that so far I'm disappointed with the effect of the prolactin supplements on the actual MS symptoms.  I figure that I have to be on the prolactin for a lot longer than a few months in order to see results on that front.  I wonder where my threshold is...at what point do I lower the dose and try to prevent any further increase in chest size?  It also means lowering the amount of prolactin that I'll produce.  I suspect that the amount of prolactin I need to take to FIX the damage MS has done is a lot more than I am currently taking.  At the rate I'm taking it now, I suspect I'd need to be on it for a long time...like years.  I don't know if I'm prepared to look like a freak just yet!  I figure I'll go to at least a DD before I worry about it...but beyond that I'll have to see if by THEN I notice any improvement.

Great Day!

Oh I finally feel good!  What a long weekend that was.  My migraine is gone, I'm feeling like myself again and on top of everything else, I got validated today by another friend on my whole "ditching the weirdo on facebook thing".  The woman that I got rid of is also on the outs with the only friend we had in common.  So when I found that out I was so happy that I wasn't the only one having "difficulty" with this person.  The only reason I even know the woman I got rid of was because of this very good friend of mine whom I didn't want to offend.  Her response to the whole thing was "You don't need that crap in your life" and that's exactly what I thought too!  I'm very glad that she had my back on this one.  I was worried she would try to make excuses for her friend's behaviour.  She said "I firmly believe she did it on purpose to hurt your feelings."  Wow, what a bitch.  Glad she's gone off my facebook!

I have to wonder about someone that would intentionally hurt my feelings.  I wonder how you get to that point in your life where you think "Hmmm...she's sick at home, I think I should insult her."  I mean it's not like we got in an argument over something...that would be more understandable.  She just plain doesn't like me.  Which is also fine...but don't accept friend requests from people you dislike and then proceed to insult them.  That's just childish.  My friend suggested that the woman is extremely jealous of people who are more popular than she perceives herself to be.  I guess when she has less than ten friends on facebook and I have over 100 that's pretty much confirmation right there that I'm more popular.  Still, it's amazing to me that someone is that petty and just MEAN to someone they don't even really know.  It sort of smacks of craziness to me. :)

Wednesday is my Halloweeniversary!  My husband and I are going to have lunch together at a restaurant and exchange some little gifts.  We like to give each other items as well as the tattoos we're getting so that if someone says "what did you get for your anniversary?" we have a choice of telling them about the tattoos or just skipping it and saying "Oh I got him a _________."  For example, his mom and dad may not hear about the tattoo until a later time...we'll see how he does with that!

I gotta say, my first tattoo was on my back so I could hide it easily.  I would be surprised if my husband doesn't do the same thing.  Of course men are expected to go shirtless when they swim...but my husband doesn't often swim with his parents around.  I suspect it will be my mom that will accidentally spill the beans on the tattoo once she sees it on my husband.  She'll casually mention it to his mom and his mom will be like "He has a WHAT?"  Yep, I can hear it now! LOL!

Think it's gone now...

Wow that was quite a migraine.  I was on my ass all day today...actually I was asleep!  I slept all weekend.  Crazy when you consider that I usually have problems sleeping.  Tonight is the first time I have felt good since Friday.  Walking the dog on Friday really knocked me on my butt.  My arms and legs were on fire.  It was one of the worst migraines I can remember.

However, the good news is that I'm now feeling pretty good!  I wish I could spend more time with my husbannd.  While I've been sleeping all weekend he's been doing chores, shopping, running errands and keeping an eye on me so that he could bring me more juice when I woke up.  He's a real sweetheart.

I'm hoping that this week will be excellent.  Halloween is coming and so is my anniversary...I have to wrap my husband's gift! EEK! 

Full Moon

It's a witch moon tonight...literally.  It's Samhain and the moon is out...except it's raining.  It's actually pouring.  The rain is relieving a bit of my migraine discomfort and even some of the neuropathic pain I'm also having.  I've never been in as much pain as I was earlier tonight.  It was a new low (or high depending on how you measure pain!)  I'm still reeling, but the rain (I know it sounds nuts) relieved the pain a fair bit.  It came up out of nowhere too...all of a sudden it was torrential.  And then my migraine started to go away and the neuropathic pain eased a little.  I could feel the pressure in my head lessen.

My husband went out tonight to see a band...we were supposed to go together, but this is often the case with my migraines/MS.  He went without me and had fun and then came back home on the early side.  We were supposed to go to a bar to celebrate Halloween as well, but that obviously fell through too.  Maybe we can go to a party tomorrow.  I hope this pain goes away before then.  I suspect it will be another weekend of taking it easy for me.  I'll be glad when the prolactin supplements start to work on the disease.

If Thine Eye Offend Thee...

Well I stopped behaving like a fake person myself (by remaining friends with someone I dislike) and ditched the "rich kid" from my facebook.  I figured that her chi was throwing off mine and that mine was more important! 

I was getting all stressed out because the person was really grinding my gears.  But I decided "fuck it" and not only did I remove her from my list, I blocked her.  I don't even want to see her name around.  She's far to vexatious to my spirit.  I follow the guidelines of "the Desiderata" and one of the guidelines is to avoid people who are toxic.  I realized that her negativity was actually bothering me (it made me cry!)  so I blocked her so she cannot see my wall or my posts or make fun of me in any way that I can see.  I wish more of life's problems could be removed like a bad facebook decision.

To understand what happened, I sent her a few application invitations a little while ago (along with everyone else on my list) and instead of either ignoring them like everyone else does or just installing them she thought that somehow I was "stalking her"...I made the mistake of posting that I liked her Thanksgiving photos on her wall and she changed her status to "Single White Female-you know who you are!!!" and removed my post from her wall.  It's no wonder she has so few friends.  I mean I added her as a friend because I felt kind of bad for her that she had no friends...now we know why.  On top of everything else, it became clear to me from looking at her wall that she's a racist...and a bad one at that (like there's a good racist?)...so no, I really decided that anyone that's that horrible doesn't need to be in my world.  And by removing her I literally remove her from my world because I don't see her in any social situations or parties or anything.  Funny that I was so worked up about it when it was so easy to solve! :)

I am FAR too old for a WB drama in my life.  The fact is I found her embarrassing to have on my facebook page because her status updates were always bragging about her "charitable works and donations".  I'm sure she found my "tattoo-based" status updates equally embarrassing on her friends' page.   I guess I tried to be nice, but in the end it's better that I just be me. ;)

People with Egos...another Facebook Rant!

You know there is a reason we grow up and stop hanging out with our old friends.  Some of them do not grow up or mature...and we simply outgrow them.  What I'm finding is that my old friends from high school are snobs.  Not only that, but many of them have egos that are totally out of control.  They like to brag about every time they give to charity but those same people would never even consider being in the same room as someone who they "gave to".  What really sickens me is that they give very little but make a lot of noise about it.  "REVERE me and my generous ways!"  That's how I feel when I read their "status" messages and they say things like "So and So is donating to the Food Bank" or something.  It's like really?  You really need everyone to know that?  Really?  You couldn't just keep that between yourself and your God(s) or whatever.  What does that tell me about you as a person if you need to BRAG about your charitable donations.  Bragging is really a hot-button issue for me.  I mean sure, if I ask you then please feel free to tell me, but to announce it on your facebook status?  Wow.  Lame.

I shouldn't let people like this throw off my "chi" but they do.  I think it's because I see these people as the bullies of the world.  The people who like to put themselves above everyone else.  They're the ones making the laws and shoving everyone into checkboxes in this world.  What do you mean you're not "normal"...ew, how odd.  This is the attitude that seeps off the facebook pages of these people.  And then they literally have the GALL to ask me "How come you have so many friends on facebook?"  It's not that I have so many, it's that they have so few.  Nobody wants to hang out with you if you're a snob.  You have absolutely NO right to be a snob either unless you're the Queen of England...and she's been trained to be anything BUT a snob.  No there's no reason that ANYONE needs to be a snob...yet there they are, on my facebook page no less!  I bow before their mighty egos and prostate my meaningless self to their self-inflated sense of righteousness.  Oh, and I laugh heartily too. :)

In other news I am actually enjoying Facebook...though I seem to complain a lot, I actually do enjoy most of my friends on my friends' list because they are people I like.  It's the people that I long ago ditched that are annoying me.  As I said before, there's a reason we outgrow some people. 

This House is Clean

The cleaning staff were here to clean up.  I love the way the house looks for the first week after the cleaning crew comes.  I wish they could come every week instead of every two weeks, but it's just not currently financially feasible.  Plus I'd inevitably be sick if they were coming every week.  Even at every two weeks it's a risk that they'll arrive when I have a migraine.  It's already happened once.

So the house is clean and I'm in bed right now trying to relax and not get a migraine.  The weather is changing and so a migraine is a distinct possibility.  I was just researching where in the world the barometric pressure is the highest.  Aside from areas that sit below sea level (like New Orleans), Siberia is supposed to have the highest atmospheric pressure, sitting at an average of 104 kpa.  I suppose that if I want to get rid of my migraines, that's where I have to go live. (Migraines don't bother me at high bp)  

I'd love live in New Orleans but I don't think that's going to be something that's doable for at least another ten years.  By that I mean that I believe New Orleans has to heal from Katrina...and be cleaned up from Katrina.  Currently it's just a mess.  So I guess Siberia is where I'd have to go if moving to another country was a possibility for me.  It isn't currently a possibility but it's always good to keep in mind.  My husband's job is the kind of job that has international demand and so he may someday have the opportunity to move to Russia for a while.  Good to keep in mind that Siberia would work for my migraines...and my love of winter. :)  Actually I'd love to see Russia. :)

I've been losing weight recently.  I have not been eating very much except for soup and the odd night of crab!  The crab was on sale at the grocery store so we bought a bag as a treat.  But aside from that treat I've been eating soup for supper and Cheerios for breakfast.  If you're not going to eat a proper diet, the best thing to do is include a whole grain cereal as one of your meals.  They spray cereal with vitamins before they package it up in boxes.  Fortified vitamins are NOT a substitute for vitamins that are from vegetables and fruits, but they are much better than nothing.  And if you're only on a diet for a limited amount of time, it's better to get some vitamins than none.  Also, being a whole grained cereal, Cheerios actually help keep the trains running on time, if you get my meaning!  All of that to say that I've been eating Cheerios and Vietnamese soup for about a month now and I'm losing weight.

I attribute my recent loss of weight to Hoodia Gordoni, even though I've been on a funny diet.  The reason I can DO the diet is because of hoodia.  It takes away your hunger.  I take it when I feel hungry and I lose the hunger.  I take three each day and have been able to cut out all but about 1500 calories each day...or less.  Like I said, I eat soup and Cheerios and some juice.  But I wouldn't have been able to just eat that small amount of food if I was not on the hoodia.  It's been a great discovery for me because I was worried about gaining weight with MS.  What I mean is that when you are sedentary because of a disease like MS, you get concerned that you will become overweight and further complicate your life by making it harder to be mobile.  I want to keep myself lean and as nimble as I can.  So the hoodia is really helping me.

Rain

It's raining today.  I had a migraine starting overnight so I took extra THC to manage the pain.  It worked well but I'm a little groggy today because of it.  Just as well...it's one of those grey days that demands a lot of movie watching!

Unusual Social Reaction

I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis).  It's a disease that I deal with...but for the most part it doesn't outwardly change how I appear.  I mean if you didn't know me you'd think I was "fine".  What I find interesting is how my old friends deal with it on facebook as one by one they learn that I have MS.  I don't advertise it, but I do put the information in my "about me" section.  It's also something I tell people who ask me about it...or if they ask me about my life.  I have to...MS is a part of my life.  It affects everything I do but it doesn't make me look any different so it's not immediately obvious that there's something "wrong" with me.

What I find very weird is how people deal with the information once I've given it to them.  Some people ask questions about it, and more just ignore it.  There is a very small percentage of people though that simply stop talking to me completely.  I find this the weirdest reaction of all.  What is really neat is that I'm getting really good at guessing who will have what reaction, based on what I know or used to know about them. 

A girl that I never liked but who used to like me just added me to her Facebook.  Then she started saying "We should get together next week!"  She asked me at the end of her message, "What's new with you anyway?"  So I told her that I had MS.  She hasn't talked to me since!  What's funny about this, aside from being a little insensitive of her is that I KNEW she wouldn't contact me after hearing I was sick.  I knew it would be something she wasn't equipped to handle.  I knew she'd change her "let's get together next week" tune...and she did.

Another interesting thing I've noticed about the people who reject me because of my disease is that most of them are from very wealthy and so-called "well-bred" families.  The people who have not let the fact that I'm sick even enter into their estimation of me are those that are from "middle class" and especially from the "lower class" of society.  It seems the less money and social status that my friends have, the more I like them and their attitude towards me.  Not just towards me either...their attitude towards life is much better as well. 

The wealthy need to control much of their world to feel safe, and it makes them uneasy of anything new or different.  They become cloistered.  I can say this with ease because I was raised in a wealthy family on a posh street in a ritzy neighbourhood with all of its waspy goodness...so I know it to be completely true.  The wealthy are often repressed, heartless and desperately afraid of those they don't understand...which is everyone except their wealthy friends.  They fear anything different.  They FEAR anything different.

So back to my facebook friend.  She has been very quiet since learning of my illness.  I am sure that she is simply afraid of my disease and not knowing if I drool or if I limp or what my story is now.  She's afraid of me because her family never showed her the real world and introduced her to sick people.  Sick people should be hidden away right?  I mean that's what the wealthy do with their elderly family members when they get old and unpleasant to look at...they send them away.  So why am I still allowed to use Facebook and like interact with the public?  Geez, why don't they stuff sick people someplace where the wealthy don't have to accidentally come in contact with them? :)  Sorry I just get a little bit of a kick out of my old "friends".  They sure were lame!

Corporate Masters

Near as I can figure it, these are the companies that actually run the world:

Campbell Soup Company
Chevron Corporation
Ford Motor Corporation
FedEx Corporation
General Electric Company
General Motors Corporation
Kansas City Southern
Lockheed Martin Corporation
Merck & Co., Inc.
Mittal Steel USA
New York Life Insurance Company
Procter & Gamble
UPS
Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
Whirlpool Corporation

They meet with the governments of Canada, the US and Mexico without media coverage or environmental agencies.  They decide our fates without a vote or input from any elected governmental body or consumer group.  Just thought you'd like to know who owns yer ass. :)

Another Beautiful Fall Day

It's so beautiful outside.  I was outside with the dog and the parrot just enjoying the weather.  I hope it's this nice on Halloween...that would make it so great for the kiddies.  I can remember Halloweens where it snowed when I was a kid.  That's not to say it won't; we seem to get wildly swinging weather changes at the drop of a hat; but if it ended up being nice and warm, we'd be sure to get the most kids.

I have a couple of more weeks until my tattoo consultation.  I'm totally stoked.  I can't wait to see what my tattooist designs for my arm.  Of course I am bringing her the artwork to base it on, so her design will be influenced by my choices...but ultimately she will get to draw out the phoenix and it will be her work that I wear.  It will be based on the artwork of Andrea Ale.

This will be my third tattoo; the fourth time to get tattooed though.  One of my tattoos was retouched.  Even though this will be my fourth time getting tagged, it will be the first tattoo that will show easily.  The other two are on my back and can be easily hidden.  I see this tattoo as the first "real" one because it's custom, it's big and it's going to take a while...possibly more than one session....and it's going to show if I wear a short-sleeved shirt.

The funny thing is that with the chills I get from my MS medication I don't often wear a short-sleeved shirt!  I expect that my family will learn of my tattoo on Facebook before they ever actually see it because I'll have it all winter with covered sleeves.  In fact there's a pretty good chance that some of my family members would never see it unless I was at the cottage at the beach.  Whatever, they'll get over it.  Personally I can't wait! :)

Great Day

Had a great day today.  The weather was bizarrely warm and sunny for late October.  My husband and I were outside most of the day.  He worked while I did what I could...mostly I just spread seeds from wildflowers so they'd grow for next year.

For supper I had a bowl of soup and now I'm watching Corpse Bride by Tim Burton.  What a great movie! :) 

All in all it was a nice weekend.  We had a great time and I felt pretty decent.  I love fall weekends.

Dinner with friends

My husband and I went out for dinner tonight.  It was really fun.  We went to see friends at their home.  This is my favourite way to visit people unless they have young kids.  When we visit with our friends who have kids, we usually go out so they can get away from their children for a few hours!  However these people have no kids; only dogs.  We were very pleased to get a chance to see their home and hang out with them and their dogs.  Good times!

I expect that I'll be pretty tired tomorrow.  Going out for a few hours of socializing is really tiring for me.  I mean I enjoyed it thoroughly no question.  I just know that I'll probably pay for it over the next day or two.

I have been noticing something recently with all the THC I take.  I have been getting more paranoid.  I'm also experiencing anxiety that is related to that paranoia.  It's a known side effect of THC and excessive pot smokers know exactly what I'm talking about too.  There's not much that I can do about it, but it is something that I now find is fairly noticeable. 

When I first started taking THC (about two years ago) I was not paranoid at all.  Now I find that I'm much more worried about my own personal behaviour and that I'm paranoid about things like laughing too much or laughing too loud...or not laughing enough. " Am I behaving okay?" is a question I now seem to find myself asking myself.  Like I said, there's not much I can do about it as I need to be on THC for neuropathic pain...so it's more of a casual observation than anything else...but it's affecting how I experience other people.

When I interact with other people now I find my own concern over my own behaviour doesn't interfere with my behaviour at the time but that later I obsess about what I said or what I could have said.  It doesn't stop me from enjoying the time I'm out, it prevents me from enjoying the memories later.  Fortunately my memory is pretty terrible and within a few days I will have almost no memory remaning of what transpired tonight.  Still, it's very bizarre.

So on the way home in the car I asked my husband "Did I behave okay tonight?"  He was like "What do you mean?  Of course you behaved okay...you were wonderful!"  So that made me feel better, but I explained my concern to him anyway and he said that it was literally all in my head.  I was distorting the memory of what happened even before the night was over and I was convinced that I had been a loud and abrasive braying ass.  He said I was an absolutely charming person...I'm going to have to trust him to keep me from totally drowning in paranoid reclusiveness.

Cozy Friday

I'm in bed...writing from the laptop!  It's raining and grey and it's one of those days when curling up in bed with a book is just the best recreation I can think of.  I've been in bed all day but I will have to get up soon.  We have to bake a cheesecake!

My husband and I are going to dinner with friends on Saturday.  We're going to their place.  We are bringing the dessert and my "standard" dessert is cheesecake.  It's the one that people ask me to bring a lot of the time.  I've been making cheesecakes since I was a young girl and I'm pretty comfortable with the whole process.  I've added flavourings and fruits, chocolates and liqueurs...I've added colours, candies and glazes...really the "basic" cheesecake is so bland that you can add almost anything to it.  I'm considering making a Wasabe cheesecake (try Wasabe Ice Cream before you diss this idea!) but that will have to wait until someday when I am bored!  For now we're going to make a raspberry-lemon cheesecake and serve it with a raspberry/limoncello reduction.  When we invite people over we usually ask them to bring the dessert and so when we go out, we offer to do the same.  Cheesecake will work nicely.

It is POURING outside...really coming down hard now.  This weather has been causing a fair number of migraines, but right now mine aren't bothering me too much. 

Today I had the phone ringers turned off most of the day.  I had tried to not do this preferring to leave the phones open, but this morning on the first day all week where I didn't turn the phones off, the phone rang at 7:30 and it was a wrong number.  I took this as a sign that I need to turn the phones off!  I keep wondering if I'm becoming agoraphobic. 

When I turn the phones off I feel much less stressed.  Of course my mother just leaves messages all over the voice mail when I do this.  I've explained to her that when the phone ringers are turned off that it's because I don't want to talk on the phone.  She leaves messages that say "I know you're not answering the phone so if you could just call me this evening that would be great."  I can't get her to understand that if the phone is off that calling her is the last thing I want to do...and leaving me more and more messages won't make me call her any quicker.  She's really spinning out of control these days. 

She seems to think that when I turn the phones off that I am trying to prevent "others" from phoning, but she doesn't understand that she is one of, if not THE most annoying regular phone call that I get!  When I am turning the phones off, it is often SPECIFICALLY to avoid her calls.  I can't get her to take the hint.  If I tell her that it's to avoid having to talk to ANYONE including her, she'll be offended.  Then I'll be talked about to all my siblings as she tries to "bounce off everyone else" what she should do about my insolence.  That's the worst part.  We joke about it with each other (my siblings and I) but it's also excruciating to be party to this kind of public lambasting.  It's really weird that she thinks all of my rules don't apply to her.  Perhaps it's revenge from when I ignored all her rules growing up! :)

Mother Grumble

My mom called me today.  She means well, she really does.  A while ago I went off Verapamil medication because I read an article in Medscape saying that doctors should only prescribe it for headaches (which is what I was taking it for) if they follow the patient with regular EKG and heart monitoring because the risk is VERY high for heart arrhythmia and heart attacks.  So I weaned myself off the medication.  I felt that it was too much of a risk and I wasn't willing to take it, especially since I already have a heart murmur (nothing serious, just always had it)...I figured that I would just deal with the headaches with THC and try to cope with the inevitable increase in frequency and intensity.  It hasn't been fun, but I do feel happy knowing that my heart is just a little bit safer than it was while I was on it.  I mean my doctor had no intention of monitoring me on an EKG on an ongoing basis, so it was basically a risk I wasn't willing to take.

So today my mom calls and asks if we can go out to lunch together.  There's a restaurant we've both been wanting to go to and she thought we could go.  She's been phoning me a lot on this one and because of all the rainy weather I'm always sick with a migraine or a cold or something.  Anyway, she's getting disappointed a lot.  So today when she called me and I told her I have a migraine today (which I do) she says this:  "I really think you should call your doctor SOON and get back on that Verapamil."  I replied "Hmmm..."  sort of a non-committal way of saying nothing.  She then says "I mean what's the point in living if your quality of life is THIS bad?" 

So let me get this straight.  I should poison myself with a drug I don't want to take....so I won't cancel our lunch dates and interfere with your plans?  I also really like the inference that my life is SO terrible and horrible that death would be better than all these migraines.

First of all, the migraines are manageable with THC.  I don't feel any pain when I take the THC...it just makes me socially a little too loopy to make me want to go out.  By taking my THC and no Verapamil I am doing no damage to my heart or my body.  It's only my mind that gets a little foggy...but that's not actually that unpleasant.  I mean sure, I'm a little silly and a little easily confused, but taking extra THC to make up for the Verapamil doesn't leave me in any danger...just a little too high to be out with my mom.  And THAT is the problem.  She cares more about her own plans to go out to lunch with me than she does about the fact that I'm doing the right thing.  THC is the active ingredient in pot.  It's absolutely harmless even in overdose situations as long as no other drugs or alcohol are in the body.  I can literally take as much of this drug as I want and the absolute worst thing that would happen would be that I would pass out and sleep it off. 

Verapamil works to lessen the frequency and intensity of migraines, but I have on several occasions had what felt like near heart attacks while I was on it and I wondered why.  It keeps the headaches away at the cost of straining my heart.  No thanks, Mom.

What annoys me about it all is that she means well.  She really THINKS she is concerned for MY quality of life.  I can't get her to see that she's really just concerned about what is best for her and for her plans of taking me out to lunch.  In fact, I can't even suggest that because she would immediately be offended and hurt that I could think such a thing of my mother.  But she's human...she's just upset because she wants to go out with me and I keep blowing her off.  But the thing is that her ego deception is so engrained that I can't get her to see that she's acting out of concern for herself.  And really what purpose would it serve to get her to see it?  I mean she's just never going to understand.  She honestly believes that it's worth the risk to my heart to reduce (not remove) the severity of my migraines.  I see her angle, but I am the one that has the heart palpitations. 

I wish she wasn't so bullyish when she got an idea in her head...she really likes to steam roller over your emotions, ideas and feelings when she thinks she's right.  I hope I never end up like her.

Hiding Today

Today I feel like hiding!  I feel like turning off the phones and hanging out in the bedroom all day!  But that's what I've been doing all week and it's about time I spend some time in the kitchen or somewhere else in the house than the bedroom.  I don't feel like drawing attention to myself today.

I've been taking Hoodia Gordoni to try to reduce my appetite.  It's working.  It's a very subtle effect, but what I find it's great for is if I develop a hunger pang in the middle of the day.  I take one hoodia when I feel hungry and within minutes my hunger is completely gone.

I have an incredibly picky appetite...but that's because of the meds and possibly a touchy gall bladder.  But having a picky appetite doesn't prevent you from occasionally overeating when you find something you do like.  With the Hoodia I am able to essentially turn off my hunger when I want to.  That's a little different than just not feeling like eating a certain thing.  So I do find it valuable and helpful.  I don't know how much I've lost since going on the hoodia, but I have dropped a pant size or two.

Another element that my husband likes to remind me of is that I am growing in the boob region.  He said that maybe I'm not losing as much weight as I am shifting it around.  That's a good point.  I am losing my tummy...but my boobs are growing at an almost embarrassing rate.  I seriously think that by Christmas I'll be a D cup.  Anyway, he was saying that maybe I've lost a bit of weight but that mostly I've probably shifted it around....that could very well be. 

All of this got me to thinking...."Just how heavy ARE boobs?"  I mean how much of my weight could actually be "moved" into my boobs?  I remember in high school a friend of mine had breast reduction surgery because her boobs were too heavy and were hurting her back.  It's hard for someone who always had small boobs to even fathom such a thing.

Sorry to slide off on that tangent!  Here I am saying I don't want to draw attention to myself.  Anyway, all of this to say that I think that it will be extremely interesting for me to watch what happens with this over time.  It's like going through puberty again only this time without the pressure!

It's so cold outside these days...but I LOVE this weather.  I feel like fall may have finally arrived.  The trees are late turning this year and so they went a slow orange colour instead of all the vibrant reds and golds.  This year we have some red, some gold and brown but mostly everything is orange!  The maples started to turn yellow because it was a bit dry but then we got rain and now they're all going red, so the overall effect is a peachy tone.  It's lovely....like a gentle and soft coloured fall.

Shopping Panic Attack

So last night I freaked out and started shopping for Christmas!  I was so worried about having stuff in time that I ordered every single item that could be ordered online.  The rest will have to be purchased the old fashioned way!  It worked out well because we had a list of ideas that were sort of tentative.  We did up the order and now I feel much more comfortable.

The only gifts we now have to buy in a store are some gift certificates (why I couldn't find these online I have no idea); some pet toys and treats; some chocolates (we get about six boxes each year); some stocking stuffers and something for my husband's parents.  They are the hardest people in the world to shop for...even more difficult than my parents.  My parents have almost everything (and in some cases TWO of them!) but they still have room for "stuff" ; in their home.  What I mean is that if for example I want to buy my mom a buffet serving heater/roasting oven thing (you had to see it) like I did last year, I can because she has the room to store something like that.  It means that we can still buy my parents new waffle irons or hot dog toasters or some other weird thing that they'd use.  We can also buy them nice ornaments because they put up a tree each year and we can also buy them nice figurines because they have space on their mantle and in their curio cabinet.

My husband's parents have literally kept every scrap of paper they've ever owned and so their house is busting at the seams.  They resent getting anything that isn't "useful"...but won't give ANY hint of what might actually be useful for them.  They only really thank you for gifts they actually like and they will openly say "Well I won't wear that." in front of you.  Europeans!  Anyway, getting them gifts is excruciatingly difficult because each one will be judged.  This from the people who gave me a tacky used plastic spoon rest for my last birthday.  Their attitude about gifts is that you shouldn't get them any unless they're consumable or really useful and each time we give them a gift I feel like I'm in a job interview or something, trying to sell the merits of the latest gift.  You can see why I'm less than enthusiastic about getting them anything.  The worst part is that when we do find something they can really use, they don't have the space for it so we can't get it anyway.  So far the only thing we've given them that they really liked was a calendar of pet photos we made up.  So we're getting them another one this year! 

I'm Not a Whiner!

I have a cold.  I hate to even mention it because I have had something wrong with me for like two weeks now!  It's been migraine after migraine and when I finally thought I was fine the cold hit.  I woke up with it this morning.  Bleh.  I really hate talking about my illnesses (of which there always seem to be many).  So I won't!  Moving on...

I got twelve hours sleep last night, which was more than I wanted but apparently exactly what I needed.  I'm going to eat some soup for supper and watch some tube.  I want to take a bath but I have to wait until my husband comes home in order to do that.  Here's why:  every time I take a bath something happens!  The phone rings, the dog wants in or out, the mailman shows up...the list goes on.  In order for me to completely relax and enjoy my bath I need my husband to be home to take care of anything that might happen!

Have you noticed that Christmas is approaching?  I actually celebrate "Winter Solstice" but because it falls at the same time of year as Christmas and since I was raised Catholic, I tend to use the two terms interchangeably.  I like to think that it's a time of year that includes everyone, but it usually doesn't.  In fact Christmas in itself can be very "exclusive" in its nature.  Winter Solstice is a celebration of winter and a time of introspection and reflection upon the past year...and a time of yule trees and holly and mistletoe.  All Pagan inventions I'm afraid!  The Christians borrowed the tree from us Pagans....we don't mind sharing.  But the idea that it's only a Christian time of year is simply an anthropological incorrectness. :)  Winter Solstice is for everyone...Christians, Jews, Muslims and Pagans of every denomination.  It's like Festivus without the aluminum pole. :)  Anyway whether you celebrate Christmas or Festivus or Winter Solstice, it's fast approaching and I haven't really even started shopping! EEK!

I usually have all my lists organized by now and know what I'm getting everyone.  This year we need to sit down soon and order everything we want to get people.  Otherwise we're going to be scrambling at the end.  Last year I was making dream catchers for everyone...I was so organized last year!  I think that maybe tonight my husband and I should go over our lists and place our orders.  Time to catch up!

Early Sunday Morning...

I tend to sleep from about 5:30 am until about 1:00 in the afternoon.  It's not a great schedule I admit, but I do get the sleep I need...just at a weird time of day.  I always thought I was a night owl, but now it's more true than ever.  I do wish that I could sleep a more normal set of hours though because I end up sleeping through most of the daytime...and then I am awake during the night time.  I figured I'd write another post since I'm up.

My arms are hurting again.  I think it's from using the laptop.  It's not as comfortable as a regular desktop keyboard but the laptop can be used in bed, which is a plus.  The downside is that when I type with the laptop my wrists are not in a comfortable position...which causes occasional tennis elbow.  Stupid arms! :)

You know what irks me?  Name dropping.  I don't just mean the "I know so and so" name dropping...I mean "label dropping".  You know what I mean "Oh yes, I was shopping in Williams-Sonoma the other day...."  That kind of thing.  People think I'm going to be impressed by their exquisite taste when they brag about how their wonderfully expensive [insert object name here] came from some exclusive designer shop.  What irks me about it is not that the person bought a nice item for themselves, it's the "attitude" with which they shove the store name in my face.

What has happened to the common sense upbringing that I had?  I know I'm not the only person who was raised with the idea that you should NOT brag or boast because it makes others feel bad.  Yet every time I turn around someone is trying to impress me with their designer this or their special order that.  I have to assume that this speaks volumes about myself as well...I mean clearly there must be something about how I appear or how I present myself that would indicate that I would be impressed by such things.  I must keep myself in check to make sure I'm not accidentally encouraging superficiality.  But myself aside for one minute, I really do think that people in general are ditching their concern for not hurting others.  People are caring less is my impression.

I use the example of the label-dropping to show that in general people are not as concerned with their fellow man.  We as a society are pulling away from each other.  We build suburbs that have no souls and no "heart"...no downtown.  And if you don't have a car, forget about getting around.  We have "gated communities" and we segregate ourselves away from each other.  Our grandparents didn't live this way unless they lived on a farm...and even on a farm there was a sense of community with those around them and in neighbouring towns.  Society is becoming distant from each other in a real way.  We all have our online communities, but what about those who live right nearby?  What about knowing that you can count on your neighbours in a pinch? 

I've been very lucky to be able to afford to live in a slightly rural neighbourhood.  We are very closely knit as a community.  We all know each other a little and we recognize each other's kids and dogs.  We have the phone numbers of those who live nearby and we WAVE at each other in our cars.  We even had a newsletter for a while (when I was feeling better I wrote a newsletter for the area).  You know what happens when my friends come here to visit?  They are shocked that there's a place on this planet where people actually wave at each other and say hello.  Why are they shocked?  Because all of my friends live in a suburb that's fifteen minutes from here (closer to the city).  My girlfriend said she was outside one day on her driveway in her slippers in the winter and she had her baby in her arms.  She slipped on the ice and fell and screamed out loud on her way down.  A neighbour was nearby on the street (no more than twenty feet away).  She said that not only did the person not ask her if she was okay, they didn't even look at her.  She was apalled that a fellow human being could be so cold and uncaring.  THAT is what suburbs are doing to us all.  People are getting to the point where they are being isolated by their own worlds and they're no longer concerned with anyone else's.

In my neighbourhood we are a multicultural bunch, with people from all races and religions.  We wave at each other and we know each other.  We respect each other but we also get along well enough that we can borrow a cup of sugar...literally!  I even dine with the ladies on my street when I feel well enough.  They go out once a month and catch up on gossip!  It's wonderful to live here because I know that people are concerned about me here...and I'm concerned about them.  But this feeling of community that I enjoy is a disappearing commodity...and I had to go pretty far to find it.

Saturday

I got a phone call from a friend of mine today that I hadn't heard from in a while.  I like hearing from old friends.  New friends are great, but old friends just know you...know what I mean?  I don't have to explain anything or get them to understand me...old friends just do.  Very cool.

My husband did some shopping at Costco today...we got our Halloween candy!  YAY!  I love Halloween.  My husband and I got married on Halloween so it's our anniversary coming up too.  We're getting tattoos for our anniversary again this year (I got one last year on our anniversary).  I'm getting a phoenix and he's getting a Coop devil (maybe)...he hasn't decided 100% yet.  It will be his first tattoo.

I remember my first tattoo.  I wanted it to be perfect!  It turned out that I settled for what I could afford...which wasn't "perfect" but it was cute!  I got a bat flying in front of the moon.  I had it retouched last year when I got my anniversary tattoo.  Anyway, I remember not being able to decide what I wanted...I kept changing my mind and thinking I wanted something different.  Let me tell you, the first tattoo is the hardest.  Once you have one you will start to realize what they're about...and you'll stop trying to put every single symbolic thing in every tattoo!

The problem my husband is having is that he's trying to put everything he ever wanted in his tattoo.  They just don't work like that.  You need to pick one thing that's important...one "idea" that you want to convey.  Stick with that one idea and you'll be fine.  For me, it was important to me to express my love of all things vampire.  But it was also (more importantly) an expression of defiance.  I got my first tattoo without anyone knowing...even my (at the time) husband.  When I look at that tattoo I see my first defiant act as an adult.  That tattoo was the beginning of the end of my horrible first marriage.  I look upon it so fondly because of what it means to me.  My tattooist has suggested we should cover it up in favour of a huge back piece.  I told her that I simply cannot cover up that tattoo...it's too important to me. :)  If I get a back piece we'll have to work around it...she won't like that! :)

Can it be?

I don't want to jinx anything but I think that maybe my migraine is done.  I get a "hangover" from my migraines where I still feel unwell and tired for a day or so after the migraine...even have a mild headache, but it's the last hurrah as it leaves.  I believe that today I'm having that migraine "hangover" and tomorrow I'll feel much better.

We're supposed to have people over for dinner this weekend but because I was sick all week (in bed with a migraine) the meal is not prepared and so we are going to cancel the dinner party.  It wouldn't be possible for me to put together a meal on this short of notice and have it be any good!  Besides even if I could throw it together, there's no guarantee that the migraine won't come back if the weather gets rainy again...which it's supposed to.  We are rescheduling the dinner for next month sometime.

Last night I redeemed a Victoria's Secret coupon and bought some yoga pants on sale.  They had sent me a coupon for $25 because their service was sluggish during their move.  I never suffered as a result, my clothes took no longer than a book from Amazon.ca (which is slow), but VS was disappointed with their service and apologized with a coupon.  I am using my coupon to buy yoga pants and undies! :)

The yoga pants are a size medium.  I've been a size large for about five years now.  I was always a medium but when they put me on Amitriptylene I blimped out.  Anyway, I lost a lot of the weight but very slowly after I went off the Amitriptylene.  I am now finally back to a size M in yoga pants and my size L pants are falling down on me.  I bought two pair of yoga pants on sale for $20 and some new undies.  The undies are also a size M instead of L....I'm so happy about that.  I finally feel like I'm getting back to my "normal" size again...except for my boobs! My old bras are going to need to be thrown out soon.  I am getting large enough in the chest that I won't be able to wear them anymore.  Currently I can still wear a B cup but all my A cup bras can go.  Anyway, all of that to say that I am losing weight enough now that I am reducing my clothing size...except in tops. :)  I finally feel like I have my weight under control...yay! :)

Okay so that was pretty girly of me...all that talk about weight and boobs!  I guess I'm a little proud that I can still manage to look decent when I have a disease that makes exercising fairly difficult.  Losing weight when you can't do any cardio exercise is quite a sticky wicket.  I am hoping that in another year or so on the prolactin supplements that I'll be able to do a cardio workout with ease! :)

Feeling Better

I seem to be feeling better...sort of.  The migraine is medicated and under control.  It also feels like it might be going away.  I can't sleep because I'm feeling a bit better...I'll sleep eventually though.  I always do.

Today I officially changed from a B cup bra to a C cup bra.  It was very unceremonious.  I needed a bra and all of mine were in the wash.  I decided to try on the C cup bra I bought a couple of weeks ago and it fits perfectly.  So there you have it.  I'm now a C cup!  That took about three or four months of taking Bountiful Breasts.

I've been losing weight.  I have been eating nothing but Cheerios for breakfast and chicken soup for supper.  The soup has bean sprouts, noodles and chicken along with some chopped green onions and fresh basil.  I wouldn't call it a diet...more accurately it's just what I feel like eating these days.  As a result I'm losing weight and feeling better.  I have dropped from a size 12 in many things down to a size 10.  I hope to get down to a size 8 eventually.  For now I'm happy that I've dropped what I have.  It's not easy because of the MS fatigue to get much in the way of a cardio workout.  Exercise in general becomes pretty much impossible...at least for now.  I'm hoping to change that eventually. :)

Thursday Thoughts

My husband is at school tonight.  He's taking a welding course.  He's very excited about it.  He finds it refreshing to do something with his hands.  He works as a geek with computers all day and the welding allows him to do something completely visceral and physical...a nice change when you've spent your day dealing with the adminisphere at work. 

On the nights when he has school I use the time to shop online or just catch up on facebook.  It's nice to have some "me" time...though it could be argued that I already get a lot of "me" time...I still enjoy an evening alone.  Besides, he's only gone for about three and a half hours...not really that long if you're shopping or surfing.

You know what show I love.  "Ruby Gloom".  I know it's a kid's show but if I had kids I would totally want them to watch it.  It is so full of wonderful imagery and it encourages "uniqueness" instead of being afraid of it.  It celebrates the "weird".  I think that's a value I would want my kids to have.  I enjoy watching it too! :)  It's drawn very cute. :)

My gut has been nasty tonight.  I don't know if it's all the drugs I've had to take with all the migraines I've had, but I'm a mess!  :P  I hope it passes soon. 

Brain Blaster

Ruby Tuesday

I was going to call this post "Rainy Tuesday" but I like that song "Ruby Tuesday" by the Stones and I figured I'd go with that instead.  Seemed more deep and meaningful! :)

It was so rainy here today.  It was grey and wet and dismal.  And it's going to be like this all week...fall is finally here.  YAY!

I had a horrible migraine that started last night.  I made matters worse for myself too because I had consumed a cup of tea earlier in the day and wasn't able to fall asleep no matter how many drugs I took.  So I was awake but not in too bad of pain...but migraines are not just about pain.  There's a restless thing that migraines cause.  They make you feel like you may need to pace around or like breathe into a paper bag or something.  I had that in full measure last night.  The migraine is not gone yet, and will no doubt be back soon.

Tonight for supper we had Alaskan crab legs.  They had them on sale at the Independant Grocer last week and we bought a big bag of the stuff for $20.  It was an awesome deal.  So tonight we steamed the legs and served them with melted butter.  It was pretty awesome I must admit and since we only ever buy crab when it's on sale like that, I didn't even feel like it was too much money.  It was a very nice treat.

My husband is playing Xbox 360 online.  He's having fun with his geeky friends and I'm catching up on my blogging.  I'm going to get myself a big glass of grape juice and go watch TV soon.  Have a good night! :)

Thanksgiving Monday

A Nice Day

Today was an absolutely wonderful day...warm, sunny, but not too warm and not too sunny.  It was nice enough for me to be outside though and that's pretty unusual for this time of year...especially without a coat.  But it wasn't that oppressive, muggy warm temperature that tells you that climate change is not just a boogeyman anymore.  I hate that weather.  It scares me.

Today was mellow.  We hung out and did small chores around the house and garden.  I took photos of the flowers that are starting to re-bloom.  The bee balm is considering another bout of flowers and so are the daisies.  These are typically flowers I associate with spring.  I also got some photos of the late season bees gathering some stolen pollen from the new flowers.  The bees only have a few more days or weeks before they die, but there's a brand new crop of flowers for them to eat from. 

I photographed the few red maple leaves I could find on our one red maple.  We had a bit of a dry spell just a week or two ago that pretty much ruined most of the red leaves for the season, but the one big maple at the back of the house still didn't disappoint.  Its leaves are red and healthy but a little pale towards the top, as though the drought hit it too.  I was able to get some nice photos of the sun shining through the maple leaves and I am so thrilled that at least that tree will still cast a pink glow through our back windows as the sun sets through it in the evenings.

My in-laws came by on their way home from the cottage.  They stopped in for a few minutes, but they didn't stay.  Just as well too because we were not really in the mood for "company"...but a quick stop on the way home was nice.

I'm fighting a migraine tonight so I hope that the weather that's spinning around out there settles down soon.  I don't want to be sick tomorrow when I have to go for another Thanksgiving dinner; this time at my parents' place.

One Down, One to Go

Well I made it through the in-laws' Thanksgiving meal without any damage!  They had the heat on and I wore lots of layers so I wouldn't be cold.  The food was amazing.  We had pork tenderloin, garden veggies, potatoes and raspberry torte for dessert.  The whole meal was a success and my father-in-law wasn't obviously drunk like he was the last time.  That in itself is a huge improvement.  I'd say that it was a very successful meal.

Now we just have my parents' meal to go to.  That will be okay...possibly a little too warm though.  I will have to wear something light and then layer on the clothes to allow me to be able to cool off or warm up quickly.  My mom will have a turkey and my whole family will be there (fourteen of us in total).  It should be good, but I find my family is much more tiring to visit with than my husband's.  My husband's parents are a little unusual, but there's only the four of us and so it's very quiet and peaceful when we eat.  My own family is much more boisterous and loud!  Family dinners often involve several dogs, loud story-telling and jokes and opening several windows because it gets so warm.  We'll see how it goes, but I have a feeling that I'm going to be more tired after the next one!

Fortunately I have a day to recuperate in between the two meals.  I always feel like long weekends would be so awesome if they didn't always fall on holidays when you have to spend the whole time going out to other people's homes and you never really get to relax and enjoy the extra day off.  I wish that there were more long weekends that didn't revolve around food and going to dinners.  We spend so much time getting ready to go out that we can't start any jobs or get anything done for ourselves on those few long weekends we get.  It sounds anti-social but I wish it was cool once in a while to just "opt out".  It would of course offend my mother especially if we tried to do that.  Still, it would be so nice if we got a "get out of something guilt-free" card each year...to be used for any one event that you'd just like to opt out of...without being hassled for it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope all the Canadians who read this have a Happy Thanksgiving! 

I'm kind of cranky today.  I'm not exactly sure why either other than maybe it's because I haven't been feeling well.  I'll get over it, whatever the cause, but in the meantime I'm kind of quiet.

I'm really looking forward to the Thanksgiving dinners this weekend.  We'll be going to my in-laws tomorrow and then to my parents' place on Sunday.  I'm hoping that one meal is turkey and the other is something completely different...like pasta!  I enjoy turkey but I also really enjoy a lot of other meals and quite frankly I'd rather have two completely different meals than have two of the same.  However, both meals are free so I'll enjoy them tremendously no matter what they are! :)  Gotta remember to bring wine (even though I don't drink).  I sincerely hope my in-laws put the heat on this time and close the windows.  My husband has reminded them of my cold seizures and I'm going to bring about five layers of clothing (not exaggerating).  Hopefully we can keep me from being in agony the entire time.

Of course my own parents' place is equally uncomfortable because they have the heat absolutely cranked.  My dad thinks the house should be WARM all the time.  It nearly drives my mother crazy because she likes it cool like I do.  I don't like to be COLD but I also don't like to be HOT.  Coolish/warm is perfect.  I wear a sweater and I'm comfortable if it's not too hot.  With my own parents' place always too warm, I have to layer in short-sleeved shirts and wear very light pants.  I inevitably develop a layer of sweat at the meal while eating all the hot food and by the end of the night I'll have a severe chill because my neck got sopping wet with sweat and then I went outside to get in the car.  I'm used to it, but it still isn't pleasant.  I'll have at least one severe convulsion before this weekend is over...but I'm still looking forward to the meals! :)

Booked

Well the appointment is booked. November 9th I have my consultation with my tattooist.  She'll take a look at the tattoo I want and we'll talk about how to make it original and fit my arm.  I want the tailfeathers to curl around nicely on my arm the whole way down.  I don't want all the skin covered with tattoo but rather I want it to be like an ornament on my body.  I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and buy the damn flash art from Tattoo Johnny so I'll have something  to show her.  Otherwise I'm going to have to assume that she's got a laptop with her in order to explain what I want...and though I know she does have a computer, she doesn't have a laptop at work. 

There goes another $13 I didn't feel like spending!  But it will be worth it to have my idea easily conveyed.  Besides when the tattoo itself is going to cost hundreds of dollars, another $13 seems like peanuts.  The good thing about Tattoo Johnny is that they sell you the stencil as well as the flash art so it will be very easy for her to work with.

I was reading my International Tattoo Art magazine tonight and in the letters there was the story of a Christian doctor in Bakersfield, California who refuses to treat people who are tattooed because he feels that it's not morally sound.  That you wouldn't want to associate for any reason with someone who would tattoo themselves because they must be of poor morals.  I was absolutely blown away.

I was really under the impression that doctors were supposed to take an oath that (pardon my paraphrasing) that says they will not refuse treatment to ANYONE.  Now I have heard of the sick practice in American hospitals of actually turning people away because they haven't got the ability to pay (this is completely barbaric to a Canadian) and though I can't even imagine such a thing, I guess if you're raised in that environment you can justify turning away people because they have no insurance. 

What I can't imagine is that a doctor would allow their own religious belief (oh and nowhere in the bible does it say that you shouldn't tattoo yourself FYI) to prevent them from helping someone.  I mean let's just say for second that you hate tattoos...you think they're awful.  Does that really justify you actually denying someone's right to health care?  What happens when doctors start cherrypicking based on other religious beliefs? 

What happens if a doctor decides he won't issue birth control to unwed women?  What happens if a doctor won't help you with your colon cancer because he thinks it was a result of you not eating fish on Fridays?  You should have listened to your bible.  And since when do doctors get to have any say in what's morally right or wrong?  They're just science geeks for fuck's sake.  They don't know what's right or wrong.  They are no closer to God than anyone else.  The only difference between my doctor and I is that he was drawn to medical science and I was drawn to computer science.  Why does that suddenly give him any say in my moral behaviour?

What's crazy about it all is that (a) tattooing is not mentioned negatively in the Christian bible at all.  In fact, some of the most beautiful tattoos I've ever seen have been religious and (b) that people have to put up with this nonsense when they are trying to see a so-called professional.  The longer I'm in this world, the crazier it seems to get.

Found it!

I finally found a tattoo similar enough to what I want to be able to show my tattooist.  If you follow this link and look at the tattoo in the far bottom right corner (AAF-00941) you will see the gist of what I want.  The phoenix I want will be bigger and so its tailfeathers will curl down longer and I suspect she'll have to draw the wings slightly bigger to balance it out.  Anyway, that's the best, closest example of what I want.  I am so glad I finally found a reference for her.  Otherwise she would have had a bunch of guessing to do in trying to figure out what the heck I was talking about!

I cannot wait to get my tattoo, especially now that I've got some actual visual reference points to give her.  I want it to be really stunning.  I am going to ask her to make it as brilliant and colourful as she can.  I will also be including flowers in the composition, much like the flash art has.  I really think they add to the feminine look of the thing.  I didn't want to be one of those chicks with a big firebird that looks like a 70's Trans Am logo on my arm!  Can you say "White Trash"? :)

Tattoo

My husband was booking the tattoo consultation today on the phone.  My regular tattooist is away for a few months...no doubt travelling.  Anyway, I'm going to go to a different tattooist, one who specializes in the New Skool style of tattoos.  The work he showcases the most is all new skool and it's all really amazing.  He's going to need to sit and talk with me to figure out what I want.  I am hoping he can draw it up for me fairly quickly so I won't have to wait for weeks.  I would like to get the tattoo soon, but if I have to wait until he's available then that's the way it goes I guess!  He'll draw it up and I'll approve it or change it and we'll get it just right before I have it done.

I can't wait!  I'm so excited.  I know that some of the tattoo will hurt a little (especially around the shoulder bones) but it won't be anywhere NEAR as painful as my lower back was.  DAMN!  The lower back for a small portion of the population is extremely painful...I believe I am in that percentage.  I was tearing up so badly.  Just to give you an idea of my pain tolerance, I almost fell asleep while having my shoulder blade tattooed!  So it was definitely more painful than "normal".  My tattooist said she'd never have guessed it was painful because I never flinched or tensed up during the entire thing. I told her I wanted her to do the best job she could and that she would work better without me screaming and flinching.  She said nobody had ever said that to her before!  I just kept thinking that if I was her and I was trying to make a nice piece of artwork, I'd prefer it if the person was as still and quiet as possible.  I bit my tongue a few times to try and distract myself from the pain!

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Update:  All of the tattooists are booked solid and so by the time everyone has time, my regular tattooist will be back so I'll just wait and get it done in November.  We'll book the appointment for a consultation and then get her to draw up the phoenix.  I hate waiting! :)  I want my tattoo now! :)

Phoenixi

Today I drew two phoenixes.  I started with a cartoony peacockish looking thing and then the second one was more of a classic phoenix of flames.  I think I'm going to have to bring them both the the tattooist and explain what I like about each.  Then I think I'll get her take on it.  I am more partial to the firebird style bird as oppose to the Japanese version which is more of a bird with feathers.  However, I don't want it to look too butchy...and the way I draw is very "masculine" if that makes sense.  I want the phoenix to have a certain stylized rhythm to it...kind of a new skool graffiti look and that's just not something that I can currently do on my own.  Maybe once I go for my training I'll be better at it.

So I drew the phoenixes (I want to say phoenixi) and I decided on the colours I prefer.  It may not be very exciting but I prefer the traditional red/orange/gold/green/pur ple that you see with many of the Japanese birds.  I think it's best that I take all this data and give it to someone who is not me!  Like I was saying, my drawings tend to be "masculine" in feeling...lots of scary, nasty looking things.  But I want a more feminine or even stylized phoenix...not one that is so "cool" looking!  I'm going for more cute than cool.  I want it to be two-dimensional almost.  Hard to explain.  I wish I could find a picture of what I want.  I hope my tattooist can understand my ramblings!

I'm getting this whole phoenix thing sorted out because my anniversary is fast approaching (end of Oct.) and I want to have all the details worked out so that I can get a tattoo at the end of the month.  My husband is thinking he'll get a Coop drawing.  We'll get our tattoos done together to celebrate our anniversary.  My tattoo is going to go on my arm at the shoulder and the tail feathers are going to hang down my arm (3/4).  My husband thinks he'll get a tattoo on his back or stomach.  He doesn't want his parents to see it! :)  He's so cute.  Eventually of course they will see them, but the first one will be hidden.  I can relate as both of my tattoos are "hidden" to a certain degree.  This phoenix will be my first really noticeable and large tattoo.  I think it's appropriate that it's a phoenix because it symbolizes me finally getting to be the real me...and become a tattooist.  No more hiding anything! :)