Vacation

07.01.07 (12:43 am)   [edit]
My husband is on vacation this week so I may be a little less diligent with my posting...but I'll be back! :)

Rainy House Party

06.30.07 (10:31 pm)   [edit]

I know that summer is a great time for house parties because you can invite people over and then leave them in your backyard, leaving your home in relative peace.  The obvious advantage to this is that you can have a lot of people over and the mess isn't as big.  Outdoor parties are the backbone of summer fun.  However, lately we've only been invited to one kind of outdoor party...cold ones! 

The weather is so unpredictable that by the luck of the draw, we have managed to be invited to outdoor parties when the weather was below seasonal....a LOT below seasonal.  We could see our breath today.  Now that's not to say it was actually freezing out, it was technically above freezing...but it was not warm.  Even if it hadn't been pouring, the temperature was much too cool for comfort.  Did I mention it was also pouring?  We stayed for four hours and then came home.

We were thrilled to get home and find that our dog had been sprayed by a skunk.  YAY summer.  *dripping with sarcasm*  Have I ever told you how much I love winter?

Spoooooon!

06.29.07 (7:39 pm)   [edit]

Well I freaked out on my husband today for no reason.  Actually it was no reason and every reason all rolled into one.  He's now out making up for his mistake.  *sigh*  I can be a real bitch sometimes.  The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and he's not.  He's not even close to a perfectionist...which is why he's so likeable and laid back and just cool.  GREAT, but someone's gotta be the one that keeps everything organized, plans for stuff and keeps the food organized.  He has no interest in that.  If it were up to him we'd just "figure out" all our meals and eat "whatever" everyday.  It's great being with someone who's laid back, but what drives me nuts about it is how laid back he is! :)

So I wanted my husband to get a spoon from work....a large soup spoon.  We are going to a party this weekend and we're bringing my Mexican layered dip.  The last time we went to this party we left behind a cooler which my husband said he'd "get around to" getting back from them.  So two years later we still have no cooler.  Anyway, this time I didn't want to bring anything that would matter if we didn't bring it home.  So I asked my husband to "borrow" a spoon from work so we can serve our dip out.  You kind of have to dig the dip out with the spoon and put it on a plate.  We're providing plates and I wanted to bring a spoon that "didn't matter" so we could not be too worried about it if it got lost or used on some other dish.  I reminded my husband every day this week "Don't forget to borrow a spoon from the caf!"

So here we are at the weekend and still no spoon.  So I asked him to go out and get a spoon...*sigh*  Yes I know the people who live there will probably have spoons but when I have a party I hate it when people bring potluck and don't come with the correct plates/spoons/garnishes whatever.  If you bring a salad you bring the dressing and the plates to put it on as well as plastic forks for everyone to use.  So I want to bring one freaking spoon with me and it becomes a major event.  Why?  Because my husband never intended to bring one home.  I KNEW he wasn't going to bring home a spoon and watching it unfold just pissed me off. 

I need anger management don't I :)

Exhausted

06.28.07 (11:49 pm)   [edit]

Well today was a huge day for me.  My parents came by and took me to see the Renoir exhibit at the Art Gallery.  We started by going to lunch at a restaurant downtown, which was alright...nothing great.  Then we went to the Gallery and really enjoyed the exhibit.  However by the final room I was delirious from fatigue.  I could barely stay awake.  My parents were pretty amazed at how fast I declined once the initial stages of fatigue showed themselves.  It also proved to me that I can talk a good talk, but I'm still really sick from this disease.  MS is still making it hard for me to just do what I want...but it's IMPROVING. 

Six months ago I would not have been able to go to the Renoir exhibit at all, nevermind being tired from it.  I had to walk for about two miles minimum today and six months ago I wouldn't have been able to to do the walking AND the standing, but today I did it!  YAY me!  Okay it's not that big a deal but it is something and I'm pretty proud of myself for doing it.  The standing for each painting's story (we had some audio guided tour headsets) took about two minutes minimum and the whole event took us about two hours to go through...two hours of walking slowly and standing.  My feet and legs were screaming.  I had a great time.

Renoir's paintings are amazing, but what's really amazing is how old they are.  The paintings on display were mostly from the 1870's and 1880's and what struck me most was not the beauty of the paintings, which was palpable, but the life that seemed to ooze from the canvasses as they hung there.  It was like so many fiction novels I've read where the protagonist steps inside a painting...I felt like I could for a moment taste and feel the view from Renoir's eyes.  Not that the painting was such an accurate depiction in every detail, but rather that it was not detailed...instead it left the filling in of all that information to my mind's eye.  I am still a fan of Renoir's pre-impressionist art, but this display of his impressionist and experimental phases was areally impressive.  Like I said though, it was more that I could feel the paintings that made me so happy...and freaked me out a little.  I felt like I could actually see and feel what Renoir was thinking as he worked.  It was amazing.

Rain Please

06.27.07 (7:20 pm)   [edit]

It would be really nice if it rained here in Eastern Ontario.  They keep saying it's raining, but it's not raining here.  The trees and the garden could use a good soaking and the entire area could use a cooling off.  The cooling is supposed to happen whether it rains or not though so that's at least one thing.  I'm going to water the garden tomorrow when I get home from the Renoir exhibit. 

My mom and I are going to lunch and then we're going to the Renoir exhibit.  I didn't see it the last time it came through so I thought it would be a great chance to see it.  We're going to go have lunch and then go be cultural!  Should be fun.  I'll be exhausted afterwards so that will be fun too because I have to make a dip for the weekend!

We have a party this weekend for someone's birthday.  I said we'd bring my famous Mexican layered dip.  It's Mexican in that it's made with all fresh ingredients, veggies and olives and beans and spicy meat.  It's layered starting with the messy stuff on the bottom (sour cream and refried beans) and then working up to the tomatoes and cheese on top.  It has avocadoes, cilantro, tomatoes, olives, green onions, canned sweet corn, peppers and lime juice.  No salsa and no guacamole.  Instead, you get the taste of those things in a fresh presentation that doesn't involve pulverizing anything into a paste.  Salsa is much better represented by the tomatoes, cilantro and corn and the guacamole is represented with the avocadoes and green onions and lime juice.  I'm considering making a vegetarian version of the dip but I don't think I'd be able to label it properly so that anyone would notice the difference.  I think it would just seem like two identical dips, even though one would have meat and the other would not.  Tricky though because I would like to make one available for vegetarians.  Then again the partygoers are all Turkish and love to eat lamb and beef...probably just as easy to make it all the same.  It's going to be a great party though...it is fun every year and I'm sure this year will be no different.

Tomorrow marks the two week mark since my most recent PAP test.  According to my information (the web), a PAP test takes about two weeks to get the results and another two weeks after that to get the HPV results.  I assume they'll want to have both results before they notify me of anything.  No point in having me in twice or having to call me back on the phone later.  I'm sure they'll have the results for both tests in another two weeks and at that point I should start wondering if they're going to call me.  Until then, I will assume that they won't call unless something crazy shows up...like actual cancer cells.  If that happened I suspect the HPV test results would be largely moot.  Most likely the test results are similar to the last ones and they are now waiting for the HPV results before they call.  That's my assumption.  I could be completely wrong! :)

I'm so mellow

06.26.07 (10:10 pm)   [edit]
I am freshly bathed, and lying in bed.  I feel sooooo relaxed right now.  I love that feeling when you're freshly cleaned, wearing clean pyjamas and sitting in bed.  Mmmm...fresh as a spring day!  AAAAAAAAH!

No News Yet

06.25.07 (3:55 pm)   [edit]

Well I still haven't heard from the doctor's office and actually don't expect to until at least after Thursday sometime.  It takes two weeks (according to most websites) minimum for the results to come back...and that's according to American websites.  That doesn't take into account the longer wait times in Canada so I'm guessing it could be like three weeks or more before they get the results back.  At that point you just have to throw your hands in the air and forget about it.  I mean you can sit worrying or you can get on with life.  I choose to get on with life for now.

I think I may have allergies or some kind of cold virus or something.  I feel a little headachey (not migraines, just a normal headache) and I'm tired and my nose is a bit stuffed up.  Could be allergies I guess.  The problem is that I'm also having some aches in my body that are very synonymous with the feeling of having a cold.  When you have MS you often get weird symptoms when you get a cold.  One of those symptoms for me is the feeling of aches and pains in my joints and throughout my body.  I've been noticing those aches and pains and have been wondering if I'm coming down with a summer cold.  Time will tell I guess.

So Incredibly Tired

06.24.07 (10:18 pm)   [edit]

Today I went to see the movie "1408"...a very good movie, by the way.  Then after seeing the movie we went to my husband's parents' place for dinner.  It was a great meal and I had a good appetite so I ate everything on my plate.  It's always so embarrassing when we go and I am not hungry.  It makes his mom feel terrible and it's not her fault, it's just how my illness manifests itself.  It's not even the illness so much as a side effect of my meds.  I just am often not able to eat.

I'm tired.  Summer weekends are always busier than winter weekends.  I find it tiring.  I miss the quiet of winter and the ability to just do nothing all weekend and nobody asks "What did you do this weekend?"  It's like nobody cares in the winter!  Summer is a frenetic time of year.  It can be good but it can be so crazy too....so busy.  I'll be glad when things slow down a bit. 

Saturday Party

06.24.07 (2:01 am)   [edit]

Went to a birthday party this evening for a friend of my husband's.  It was fun, but it was outside.  I have terrible chills (rigours) as a side effect of the THC I take.  Anyway, I'm usually fine once I settle in somewhere but a slight change in temperature can set off my chills.  The party was outside and of course for the first time in weeks, today we got cool weather.  It meant that I was cold for most of the evening.  We were basically waiting for a time when it would be acceptable for us to leave.  When my lips started to turn blue my husband said "It's time to go." 

We excused ourselves and said Happy Birthday to the birthday girl.  It was a really fun party too...and they had so much food and drink (which I can't have because of my gall bladder)...it was a real shame to have to leave early.  I wish people wouldn't always have outdoor parties in the summer.  I mean I know that it's SO much easier than having everyone in your house, but when you have a medical condition that causes you to be cold...well outdoor parties are a pain in the ass.  Not to mention the whole "MS makes my balance crappy" thing.  Often there's no place to sit at a party either.  This time there were good comfy chairs but it was still way too cold outside for me.

I met a new friend of my husband's tonight.  She was really nice.  I like meeting new people.  In fact, I often find new people much more interesting than those I've known for years.  I guess I'm biased because my "old" friends from way back are a bit boring now.  I mean we've heard their stories and they aren't making many new ones because they're too focused on the past, but nonetheless we consider them friends and we get together once in a while.  NEW friends are eager to hang out with you and want to get to know you better.  It's so nice to not be taken for granted by a person...which new friends never do.  They find you fascinating and interesting because your stories are new to them!  So old friends are great for intrinsically understanding your behaviours and moods, but new friends challenge you to be a bit more than yourself...a bit higher self if that makes sense.  New friends rock!

Weekendy Goodness

06.22.07 (10:31 pm)   [edit]

Weekends are weird.  The whole area is different around here on the weekend.  My husband is home, which is excellent, but the rest of the neighbourhood is home too.  I notice them about conducting their business and just generally being neighbourly.  I love the weekdays when nobody is around!  I like seeing just the birds and the deer and the squirrels and chipmunks.  I dislike humans! 

So that's my revelation for today...I shouldn't say that I dislike humans.  I dislike that there are so many of them!  The ones I know seem to be very likeable and I'm glad they're around...it's the ones I don't know.  We don't need them taking up space and using resources! :)  I'm kidding of course, but you know I like weekends...but I wish that there weren't so many people around to clutter up the area.  Pretty funny when you consider that each house has about two full acres to live on...it's hardly high density housing...but I am finding that as I age I'm much more reclusive and I enjoy the company of animals even more now than I ever have before. 

I'm tired.  I had a rough day.  I had a gall bladder attack today.  I was vomitting and having horrible cramping.  It was nasty.  I hate puking.  Bleh.  So that really knocked the snot out of me.  I have also been having unusually bad cramps from my period, which has also arrived early.  An early period has NEVER happened to me before.  Also, I've had cramps that were bad but never this bad.  It of course makes me worry about my test results.

One Week Later

06.22.07 (12:51 am)   [edit]

Well a week ago I did my PAP test over.  I have been waiting on the results for a full week...it's gone faster than I would have thought, but I still have at least another week before the test results will be in.  I'm not used to waiting for results for very long.  With MS I had the MRI done and got the results less than a week later.  I really didn't have much time to think about what I would do if the results were positive for MS.  It happened really quickly...because I went to a private MRI clinic to have it done.  The waiting list at the time in Ontario was twelve months for an MRI.  I could NOT wait that long and so I paid $750 for an MRI they would have done for free.  Best money I ever spent because I got the results immediately. 

This time I have to wait on the normal health care system.  I won't get fast results!  I would happily pay money to make the test go faster, but that was not an option.  I actually think it's criminal that the waiting list for an MRI was twelve months.  The fact that I could bypass that wait for a little bit of money doesn't sit very well with me.  I mean yes, I did appreciate getting fast results, but it creates a "two-tier" system where I get better treatment because I'm willing to pay for it.  They treated me like a queen in that clinic.  When I went for my second MRI (which was speeded up drastically because of the first one's results) I was shuffled like cattle through the MRI, which was warm from being used so much.  It was like a sauna in there.  Anyway, it was definitely the "sub-standard" MRI...noisy, confined, no mirrors, no music, no air jets.  It was like being in a torpedo bay, preparing to be launched.  Night and day difference.  The second MRI made me hate MRI's...which up until that one I had felt they were actually pretty pleasant!  If I hadn't had the two I would not know that there was such a gaping difference between new MRI's and old ones.  The new one was easy to be inside of and the old one made me claustrophobic as hell.  I won't ever go for another one unless I absolutely have to, but I may actually pay to have it done again at the clinic...because the alternative is too unpleasant to bear.

Summer Solstice

06.21.07 (12:13 am)   [edit]

Have a happy Summer Solstice...today is the longest day of the year.  The first day of summer always makes me a bit sad.  It feels a little like the days are going to get shorter from this point on.  I know, I know, it will get much hotter...and much more like summer so I won't notice as much, but I still know the days are going to be getting shorter!  I love fall though so that's okay!

I'm having all kinds of cramping and spotting this month from my period.  That never happens to me.  I think it's because of the doctor's appointment, but it could also be whatever is causing my funny results from my PAP.  Cervical Cancer can cause spotting, but I've never had any before this month so I'm not going to jump to any conclusions from that.  The point is that it's all suggestive of cancer but until those tests come back we just don't know.  I hate not knowing.

What's that Round Orb in the Sky?

06.20.07 (10:21 am)   [edit]

I'm up waaaaaay too early and so I saw the sun in a window I don't normally get to see it from.  I hate it when I get up too early.  I also hate it when I get up too late!  I prefer on most days to wake up between 11:00 am and noon.  It often doesn't work out that way...but at least today I won't be up until all hours of the night.  I should be able to sleep without any difficulty by 2:00 am or maybe even earlier!

My boobs now hurt.  I've been on prolactin supplements (actually they're "bovine ovary" supplements) for about a month now.  I can definitely feel my boobs itching and growing.  It's slow and it won't be any more painful than puberty, but it's definitely weird!  I see that as a sign that the supplements are producing prolactin which is good for repairing the damage that MS does to the nerve coatings.  I hope that it continues to show signs of improvement for me.

So far I've noticed that my migraines have stopped completely, my energy levels are increasing and I hope to be well enough to start working out a bit more, although admittedly I haven't felt like working out since I got the news from the doctor that I may have to have a hysterectomy.  That particular event has knocked some of the wind out of my sails.  I'm just a little tense now and have a hard time concentrating on anything for long enough to complete it.  So I get on the bike and then I just don't seem to have the energy to get things moving!

Speaking of lack of energy, I do think I may have a cold coming on, which would also explain a lack of drive, because mentally I still want to exercise.  I may try to workout this afternoon, but I will see how I feel.  No point in forcing myself if I'm sick with a cold.  If it is a cold then that kind of explains all the aches and pains I've had recently.

So Hot Out

06.19.07 (3:48 pm)   [edit]

Have you been outside?  Here in Eastern Ontario it's sweltering out there.  It's literally too hot to even BE outside.  It's still spring.  This is scary.  I suspect that this summer we're going to have to truck in water to deal with the dryness.

Today I'm way too tired to workout, though I did go outside and water the garden in the scalding hot sun so that might be why.  I think I'm also preoccupied with the whole "waiting for test results" thing.  I keep thinking...which is a problem.  It keeps me up at night and makes me lose my appetite.  I hope that they call soon with the results.  Waiting is brutal.

I can't believe I still have no migraines from this crazy weather.  I have not had a single migraine since I started on prolactin supplements.  That's really weird since prolactin is supposed to make them worse.  I think it's curing my MS damage...just in time for cancer.  I feel like I should have some cartoon music after that!  Wa-Wu-Wonnnn.

Difficulty Sleeping

06.19.07 (12:13 am)   [edit]

I really have been having a hard time sleeping.  The whole "may have cancer" thing is keeping me up.  It's not like I'm obsessing over it and it's not like I'm crying or worrying too much, but it's still a concern and until I know, one way or another I'm going to have problems sleeping.  I have enough trouble falling asleep when I don't have anything on my mind.

I'm a planner...planning for things is what I do.  If I have to have a hysterectomy I'm going to want to plan for it.  I will want my husband to get our TV situation organized and I'll want to get some new movies, books and magazines.  I will have to get some comfy pyjamas too because I currently don't own any...I usually just sleep in a T-shirt and yoga pants.  I want to make sure that I don't get any bedsores or anything.  You're supposed to spend at least two full weeks in bed after a hysterectomy.  I will have my laptop so that will be able to blog, but I may not be too coherent for the first few days...you know, assuming that I have to go through surgery.

My mom today said that she'd be happy to help out with the recovery part...my husband says he'll be glad for the help.  She'd be able to come by and make some food and maybe help if dressings need changing.  My husband wants to take care of me, but he's nervous about changing dressings.  He's happy to help me out in other ways though...bringing me food, coming to sit and talk with me...that kind of thing.

Mom Visit

06.18.07 (6:02 pm)   [edit]

My mom came by to help me out with the vacuuming.  That was really cool of her.  We talked about my test results.  She was a little bit surprised to learn that I might have Cervical Cancer and that it will most likely mean a hysterectomy.  She wasn't THAT surprised though.  She had kind of pieced it together herself, afterall she IS a nurse!

She and I were talking and I came up with a GREAT idea.  Why don't hospitals video every operation?  I mean there's always horror stories about people having sponges left in them and stuff, why not film every procedure and that way you could watch your own surgery and see everything that went on.  Another idea I had was that you should be able to have a nurse represent you in the operating room...someone who is your legal counsel so to speak.  They'd be a "lawyer" who is also a nurse or doctor and they'd have the right to step in your behalf and say "Whoa, I believe there were 30 sponges, not 29!" 

We are taught that the medical system is there for us to use and that it's this incredibly infallible machine, but in reality it is neither a machine nor is it infallible.  It is a machine run by humans and is subject to countless human errors every single day.  Why not try to prevent those mistakes by putting cameras in the operating room?  If it would be too expensive to have a nurse or doctor there to represent you legally, why not at least film everything so that the patient has a leg to stand on legally.  It's very easy to prove that someone made a mistake if there is video footage of it.

Husbands

06.17.07 (9:42 pm)   [edit]

So my husband has followed my doctor's appointment since I first came out and looked at him with my blank and confused stare.  We worked together on deciphering all the things my doctor didn't say.  So he's okay (he says) with my losing my plumbing and even though we would both prefer that not be the case, we also accept that based on our own research it is a probability.

So having kind of accepted this as an eventuality, we are now in the planning phase of the whole thing.  We're trying to figure out how long these things take to happen.  Sometimes things like this can happen very suddenly (especially if they find actual cancer cells) so we want to be prepared for the way it could go down.  We have several scenarios laid out, but basically from what we can see it should go like this (approximately):

  • This latest test will come back within two to three weeks (presuming HPV positive) and positive for ASCUS-H
  • I'll be sent to see a gynecological surgeon who should perform a biopsy which should have results in another few weeks
  • Assuming that the growth is either cancerous or pre-cancerous a hysterectomy will be scheduled for another few weeks later.

The shortest time possible seems to be within two months.  Longer wait times could delay it for a few weeks as well.  Basically I would probably be going in for surgery before the summer was over, or the fall at the latest.  Hard to believe when I only just had my first funny PAP test result a few months back.  Because of the way that surgery can all of a sudden sneak up on you from nowhere, we decided to figure out how long we'd probably have to wait for all of this to be over. 

My husband said that he'd like to celebrate our anniversary now...not for any particular reason, but I wonder if maybe he's worried I'll be too sick if I've just had surgery before it.  Our anniversary is on Halloween.  I really hope that I'm not too sick to get my annual anniversary tattoo! :)

Didn't Sleep

06.17.07 (4:10 pm)   [edit]

So I fell asleep this morning at 7:00 am.  I slept until noon so I should be tired tonight.  I was watching TV and trying not to think about my plumbing issues!

I'm fully expecting to get a call in a couple of weeks or so to find out that I need to have a colposcopy done.  However, it's just been a little difficult grasping that I may have to have a hysterectomy.  It's funny because I don't feel any particular drive to have kids, my "biological clock" was never one to tick.  I can't help but wonder how women who are eager to have kids feel when they get news like this.  I bet it rips through them.  What it does to me is make me feel very mortal.

Who I feel worst for is my husband.  He has to care for me for 4-6 weeks after surgery.  He has to give up on the idea of having kids.  He has to accept that his wife is probably not going to live as long as he is or have as good a quality of life.  He has to take me to all the appointments and deal with me being sick and deal with my mother wanting to deal with me being sick.  I feel very badly that I am the cause of this pain for him.  He feels the same way...that HE is the cause of my pain because I contracted HPV from him (my doctor feels).  So basically we both feel bad for the other.  I guess that is what marriage is about....caring about how your partner feels more than yourself.  I guess at least I did find happiness. :)

Learning

06.16.07 (11:59 pm)   [edit]

My doctor said he had to do a PAP test this time but he also said he'd have to do some other test...he took a different sample.  Anyway I believe that is the test for HPV.  He said I already have HPV, but that was because of my symptoms.  If I already have HPV, which we will find out, but he assured me that it was a technicality really...anyway, if I have HPV, which he says I do, then that makes me ASCUS-H.

I have a pretty good chance of having cancer...and if I don't have it, I probably will eventually.  My doctor thinks I have it now I believe.  I believe that's what his face was all about.  Funny how you have to go over a doctor's appointment so many times in your head before you figure out what he was actually telling you.  My doctor hates giving bad news....he usually sends me to a specialist to get them.  I suspect he'll do the same this time.

From what I can see, ASCUS-H or ASC-H patients have about an 86% chance of getting cervical cancer.  That means a hysterectomy.

I'm now at the point in my information gathering where I decide that I've had enough learning about this new possiblity.

When I learned that I had MS, I was not surprised by it.  I had done my research.  In fact, I would have been surprised if they had diagnosed me with anything else.  On the day before my appointment, the nurse called and said that they'd need a little longer with my appointment for my results (gee, could that mean GOOD news?) and I just knew it was going to be MS.  Anyway, before I got the results I had what I call the "buffer period".  That's the last period of time between being tested for a disease and actually being told you have it.

Once you're told you have a disease, you kind of lose your innocence a little...a lot.  I mean I dealt with it pretty well but from that day forward there's always been days where I have wakened up and "forgotten" I had MS.  Before your mind kicks in and you remember, it's like you feel a little lighter and a little more invincible.  Then after a split second, that feeling is dashed by the sudden realization that you DO have MS and that you aren't "fine".  It doesn't happen to me too often now because I was actually feeling like I had MS taken care of to a certain extent with my prolactin supplements (which are now making my boobs itch!)

So I consider this next period of time as my buffer.  I could walk through the next few weeks feeling sorry for myself about the disease I most likely have or will have, or I could use this blissful time before my diagnosis to live my life as best I can.  I'm going to get a phone call saying they need me to come in and tell me my results.  When that happens I will no longer be able to pretend it's all just some fantasy thing that isn't really happening.  I may be afraid of cancer now, but once you're diagnosed you can never go back and enjoy the time you had while you were disease-free. If I do have cancer I want to enjoy the time I have now before I get laden with the load of worrying about some NEW horrible disease.  I consider this my time to enjoy my life fully.

That way if there is miraculously nothing wrong with me (yeah, right) I won't have wasted any time worrying.  If I am sick, I will at least have made sure I didn't waste the time when I was healthy....healthier.

Saturday Evening Post

06.16.07 (8:01 pm)   [edit]

Well it's Saturday.  We had a great day today.  My husband mowed the lawn.  I took some photos and tried to stay cool for the most part.  It was scorching hot out there.  I hope we get some rain soon.

So my brain is still reeling with "what ifs" about this whole cervical cancer thing.  My doctor explained to me in the appointment that my previous PAP test results had been perfect for my whole life.  If I had HPV all along I would have shown certain results in smaller amounts before this PAP.  He said that the results were very high ASCUS.  I think that means that I now have a very high result for ASCUS when I used to have none.  He said that it was sudden...like suddenly I have a large result when I've never even had a small amount.  That was his reason for telling me that I should not expect the result to change on this next test I just did.  He feels that it's a sudden change and that it indicates a very sudden difference which is not usually a good thing.  He didn't say "It's not usually a good thing" he actually said that it was "abnormal" and that it wasn't the way that ASCUS usually presents.  I should have written it all down!

So from my reading ASCUS results usually present with small amounts before they change to higher amounts.  Usually people go for years having ASCUS results off and on before their doctor may send them for a biopsy.  My doctor made it very clear that he believes my next test results will also be ASCUS in high amounts.  This is why I'm so freaked out.  It's not the typical ASCUS scenario.  It's higher than normal.  I don't really know what that means.

My research and my "gut feeling" on this (I'm friends with my doctor...I know what his face is saying even when his mouth doesn't) says that he expects to send me for a biopsy just as soon as my test results come back ASCUS again.  The thing that has me concerned is that he said "High ASCUS"...at the time I didn't know that the "high" part was important.  I thought it was just a qualifier, like "oh I see you have a higher ascus count than some"...no, it's a medical qualification that I must research a bit more.  "High ASCUS" is not the same as "low ASCUS"...they are clinical qualifications.  I must learn what those mean.

Tippy-toeing through the medical issues

06.15.07 (11:30 pm)   [edit]

So today I did a bit more research on Cervical Cancer.  It is NOT a simple operation.  If the cells are precancerous then yes, I can look forward to a little zap in the doctor's office, but if they are actual cancer cells...even a few of them...then they have to do a complete hysterectomy.  That's not minor surgery.  In fact, that's the scariest thing I've ever heard.  Considering that they don't know what it is and my doctor was NOT optimistic about it going away...at the very least I'll be having a biopsy or other procedure for them to determine what it is.  Currently they don't know what it is.  My doctor said that he expects to send me for some kind of medical procedure in the future but that I should not concern myself with it too much at this point.

Hmmm...so why is it that when someone says that you shouldn't concern yourself too much "at this point" (qualifier) it leads me to believe that there may actually be something to be concerned about?  I guess he wants to set realistic expectations.

So to recap, my best case scenarios go like this in order of happiest outcome:

  • PAP Test results come back negative this time (highly unlikely)
  • PAP Test results come back the same; biopsy reveals cyst or non-malignancy (this is probably the best I can hope for)
  • PAP Test results come back the same; biopsy reveals malignancy that is not cancerous but still should be removed (very unlikely)
  • PAP Test results come back the same; biopsy reveals cancerous cells; small patch that can be removed locally (very unlikely as well)
  • PAP Test results come back the same; biopsy reveals cancerous cells; full hysterecomy is performed to remove the cancer; no more cancer
  • PAP Test results come back the same; biopsy reveals cancerous cells; full hysterecomy is performed to remove the cancer; cancer comes back in different part of body; radiation or chemotherapy ensues.

Needless to say, I'm hoping for option number two since the first one is highly unlikely.

My husband is concerned too, but he seemed to fully understand what was being said and what wasn't being said by my doctor.  Always listen to what your doctor doesn't tell you, it's far more informative sometimes!  When I said to him tonight that I might have a full hysterctomy because of this he said "Yeah, I thought you realized that."

Finished Freaking Out

06.15.07 (4:55 pm)   [edit]

Well I'm finished freaking out over my cervical cancer thing.  Even if the worst case scenario happens and it IS cervical cancer, they've pretty much got that in the bag now.  The only part about it that really concerns me is that having cervical cancer, indeed having HPV increases your risk for other cancers.  I'm not so much of a pansy-ass that I need to whine about cervical cancer in the early "pre-cancerous" stages...but I do dislike the idea that this now increases all the risks for uterine cancer, ovarian cancer and even breast cancer.  Basically once you've had one "C" you're at risk for more.  That's the part that bothers me.  But as far as worrying about my own situation...worrying won't help me and right now all I can do is wait for the test results and then wait for the next step.

Waiting.  Tom Petty was right about it.  It is the hardest part!

Another Secret

06.14.07 (9:21 pm)   [edit]

Today I went to the doctor's office.  I had to do a "follow-up" to my pap test from six months ago because my pap from six months ago showed up (for the first time in my life) as having irregularities.  My doctor notified me that I have HPV (human papilloma virus).  He said that I must have contracted it from my husband since we got married.  He said that this is a fairly common occurrence in women when they marry.  Apparently 70-80% of the population has HPV without even realizing it.  Because nobody in Canada is vaccinated against HPV (yet) it's a pretty common virus to transmit sexually without it being a big problem.  Like I said most people already have it.  Most people...not me. :(

So I contracted HPV.  The reason my doctor knows this is that I am now having "irregular" pap test results.  If this pap that I had done today comes back with "irregular" results then I have to have one (with irregularities) more in another six months before they'll send me for a biopsy.  If the biopsy comes back positive then I have cervical cancer.  At that point I will have the option of having surgery and having the cancer excised from my plumbing.

My husband feels so bad and wonders why nobody vaccinates against this known virus that causes cancer.  They do now...but not in Canada unless you ask for it.  Please go and ask for it.  My doctor said that it would be "more of a worry" if I was a teenager, not because it's more severe in teens, but because teens are hard to keep track of.  He said that nothing happens in the cervix quickly.  It will take a long time for it to develop into something too uncontrollable.  He said that if we keep an eye on it (with more frequent testing and follow-up) we'll catch it before it becomes full-blown cancer. 

So today I had my PAP done and my doctor said it will be a little while before we have any results.  They'll let me know if they come back with the same results.  His demeanor with me was not of someone that didn't want me to worry or be concerned.  He didn't want me dwell on it because that's not healthy and can lead to depression.  Okay, I won't dwell on it, but his face spoke volumes and the "unspoken" communication tone of the appointment was not "happy"...it was "cautious".  That more than anything has me thinking that HE believes it's cervical cancer.  I could see it in his face.  He didn't want me to obsess, but he didn't say "You'll be fine."  Instead he said "Nothing happens quickly in the cervix, this will not surprise you."

Doesn't sound that encouraging does it.  I am going to have to have plumbing surgery aren't I?

Costco and stuff

06.13.07 (7:01 pm)   [edit]

Went to Costco with my mom today.  She insisted on paying for both orders (hers and mine)....she's so sweet.  I tried not to buy anything I wouldn't have bought if I was paying, but I did break down and get some pine nuts in a huge bag that were $15!  I love pine nuts and they're an important ingredient to some of the recipes I make...but mostly they're just delicious!  The other stuff we got was all stuff that I'd have picked up with my husband if we'd been shopping there. 

My mom was really excited about Costco but she held back more than I thought she would.  She bought a lot of stuff but mostly she was looking for what they have so she'd know in the future what she could get there.  It's funny but she was more excited about the price of canned tomato sauce than she was about the meat, which surprised me.  She is looking forward to shopping there when they're having a get-together.  She said it would be perfect for when they have the family over for a barbecue.  Very true.

In my last shipment of Victoria's Secret stuff I got two new bras.  They are "IPEX leading edge" or something like that.  Anyway, these are definitely the best bras I've ever owned.  They're made with stretchy satin, which is pretty enough.  The way they're made though is a real marvel.  Allow me to explain.  The bra is designed as a push-up bra, with a gel that fills the lower portion of the bra.  Then the cup comes up smoothly and has this form-fitting edge so you don't have any gap at the top (small breasted women know what I mean!)  I have always worn a "B" cup but just barely.  What I mean is that I'm between A and B and I've always gone with the B and sort of flopped about in them a little.  You wouldn't know it to look at me but my bra fittings are very tricky.  Anyway, these new bras work perfectly because the gel insert at the bottom FEELS like there is skin inside it from the outside.  So you can't tell where the bra begins and ends.  The overall look is very smooth and shapely without looking like some silly push-up bra that distorts my shape.  Most importantly, it's comfortable and looks hot! :)  My husband is VERY happy that I decided to try them! 

New Stuff from VS

06.11.07 (10:18 pm)   [edit]

Today I got a shipment from Victoria's Secret.  Just a couple of pair of yoga pants (I'm a total convert) and some long sleeved cotton shirts.  One is a waffle knit hoodie in a great shade of pink/lilac (It's called "hibiscus" of course)...it's a really comfy fit.  I love VS for basics.  I mean they're not top quality or anything, but they're well enough made that they don't shrink and they last at least for a while.  Mostly I just really like how easy it is for me to buy from them.  Their clothing always fits too.  That's a bonus.

Well Facebook is totally blowing my mind.  I'm reconnecting with people who I haven't seen in decades.  One of them it turns out has become a senior manager of a major American corporation.  I sent her an email to see how she's doing.  I hope she has a few minutes to reply, but she does live in New York City now so I may just get chucked into the spam folder! :)

All that it really does is kind of make me want to crawl under a rock and hide.  My past is very "colourful".  I have a lot of skeletons from my youth.  My old Catholic school friends are not all aware of that past, but many are.  I was a BAD teenager.  Anyway, I am always worried that my past will prevent people from talking to me.  I really hope that's not the case as I would really like to hear from them again. 

Tattoo Book

06.10.07 (8:37 pm)   [edit]

A friend of mine bought me a book as a late birthday gift.  It's called "The Craft of Tattooing" and I have to say, this is one of the best resources I've ever read for learning to tattoo.  It's not well written....what I mean is that it's (I think) a self-published book and the grammar and spelling absolutely blows.  But the book is EXTREMELY informative.  I really think it's a great publication and it removes some of the mystery of the whole process.  I like that the artist who wrote it says that you don't have to be some crazy fantastic artist to be a good tattooist, just a careful and artistically inclined.  He said that most of the things that people want you to do are things you can learn to draw fairly easily even if you aren't that talented.  Now I actually DO have some artistic talent but I like to hear someone say that as long as you're careful and perfect your technique, anyone can be a good tattooist if they want to be.  That's great to know because I WANT to be a good tattooist AND I have artistic ability.  It made me feel a bit of a sigh of relief to read that "The secret to being a tattooist is that there is NO secret to it."

I have now ordered all the books that the author recommended from Amazon.  I know I was supposed to not spend anything on my credit card, but the books are all on backorder so they won't be arriving until August.  By then my credit card will be fine.  I just won't be doing any more online shopping sprees for a while.  I'm really looking forward to my books arriving.  They will help to prepare me for the courses I plan to take next spring.  The books are all about drawing and about tattooing.  There's a really great book about Japanese tattoos that I also ordered mostly for the photos.  I plan on leaving it around like a coffee table book! :)  Mom will love that! :) 

So sleepy

06.09.07 (12:24 pm)   [edit]

Somehow I fell asleep last night at 2:30 am and then woke up this morning at 6:00 am.  I am now exhausted, which tells me that I should probably get to bed at a reasonable time tonight so I can get caught up.  But for now, I've had enough sleep to keep me feeling decent but not enough to feel "good".  I guess that claim that I didn't need 12 hours of sleep the other night might not be entirely true.  Perhaps I need more than I thought!

My friend is coming by today with her new live-in boyfriend.  I haven't seen her in a couple of years but I am looking forward to seeing them.  She's always so busy that she just kind of flits off for months at a time where you don't hear from her and then whoops, she's back again.  Looks like she's back again!

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zZZZZZZZzzz  I am so tired.  She's coming by in another two hours.  I won't take a nap because I would just be even more groggy once she got here.  Once she's gone I can nap. 

I had sashimi for supper last night.  Friday night is the best night to get the sushi from the "okay" sushi place.  They must get their fish on Friday or something.  Anyway, I had the sashimi and it wa delicious.  Tonight we're making chicken satay with sweet potatoes and rice.  Mmmm.

More Facebooky Weirdness

06.09.07 (1:08 am)   [edit]

So I recently started talking to my first "boyfriend" on facebook.  He was 12 and I was 13 and we were "boyfriend and girlfriend" for like two weeks!  Anyway considering we just kissed and stuff it's pretty funny that all these years later we still remember each other.  I guess you never forget your first boyfriend and you never forget your first kiss.  So it's funny but we've been talking about the years when we knew each other.  It's amazing to me how much of that time was really important and fun for me.  I had almost forgotten about it.  We want to all get back together at some point and have a beer.  That would be awesome.  I haven't seen those people in 24 years!  They were the best people I ever knew and after middle school we all went our separate ways and it was never the same after that.  I think we all get a little nostalgic for our youth...but I think that what we had for those two years was incredibly special.  We didn't know it at the time, but I am gathering that we all know it now.  There's almost this desperation for everyone to get back together.  We've all been connecting with old friends and talking about our old teachers and things.  It really feels like we should be at a 25 year reunion party or something!  Makes me think of the Big Chill...everyone wondering why we all pulled apart and why it seems to take a death or other catalyst to get us all back together again.  It makes me wonder how many other people from those years are out there wondering about us all.  I bet there's quite a few, we had a really special bunch.  Even the teachers commented on how close we all were.  They said they'd never seen anything like it before.  I've heard that comment since, in another course I took for a year to get my MCSE+I...the teachers of that course also commented on how close we all were and how they'd never seen it before.  Maybe it's just the right mix of personalities that make those magical times...whatever it was, we clearly all miss it.

Weird Weather

06.08.07 (7:55 pm)   [edit]

It just poured here for a while.  It's stopped now.  It looks like it might even clear up.  Crazy.  It was torrential and there were tornado warnings.  Now it's fine...like nothing happened.  It was oppressively hot today and sunny and now it's finally rained.  So drastic. 

I slept for twelve hours last night.  Don't say I needed it either, because there is NO WAY I needed that much sleep!  Now I feel like I should skip a night to catch up!  I usually do really well on 8 hours sleep or sometimes as much as 10 hours, but 12 is out of the ball park.  Plus because I didn't fall asleep until 3 am, I wasn't awake until 3:00 pm!  Crazy.  I'm all screwed up now.

My husband is getting sushi for supper.  I love sushi...even the crappy stuff we have here.  There is a much better place downtown that we go to when we want "good" sushi, but this stuff is pretty good too.  Sometimes I'm tempted to buy the grocery store stuff, so if this is any better than that it's good.  Don't buy the grocery store stuff, the rice is disgusting. 

I've been losing weight.  I haven't weighed myself but I am definitely toning up.  The small workouts on the recumbent bike and the walks with the dog (when the weather is good enough) are starting to really help.  Also, I know I've only been on the prolactin for a couple of weeks (three I think), but I do believe my breasts are growing.  They feel heavier than they used to and my bra is a little more snug in the cup.  I will take this as a sign that the prolactin is working and helping my MS.

My energy levels are still slowly improving.  I couldn't do anything too strenuous but at least I am able to do some small bike workouts...that's an improvement.  I don't take it too seriously yet though.  I mean I could just be having a good couple of weeks.  There's no earth shattering progress or anything, it's just gradual improvement in my mood and a feeling that somehow I'm not AS sick as I was a few weeks ago.  That's it.  I have a good feeling about it though. :)

My mom's funny

06.08.07 (2:33 am)   [edit]
My mom came by today to help me out with some cleaning.  The house was a mess.  She vacuumed and dusted, which was SO helpful.  Anyway, she never once mentioned the tattooing.  She didn't even say anything when she had to move my tattooing book!  Funny.  That's her silent protest.  She doesn't like the idea of me tattooing but she won't come out and say it.  Rather than have an argument with her, I'll wait until she can't stand it anymore and has to make some passive-aggressive "joke" about it at a later time.  I spent SO much of my life trying to "unlearn" that terrible way of dealing with things.  I mean if something upsets you just say so.  But my mom was raised in a time when women especially didn't speak their minds; well the polite ones didn't.  Instead, you're supposed to be passive-aggressive and manipulative.  It's a load of bullshit is what it is, but that's how she works.  I hate that crap so I am the complete opposite...I say whatever I think and never hold back.  I think that somewhere in between the two is a happy medium where most people find themselves.

Night Blogging

06.07.07 (1:38 am)   [edit]

I'm sitting in bed with my husband half asleep next to me.  He'd be fully asleep except that he's supposed to take the dog out for his evening "constitutional" ;...walk so he can poop!  Our dog won't usually go poop on our own property, which is nice because you don't have to worry about stepping in his poop outside.  But it does mean that we have to take him down the street a little at least twice a day so he can go.  So my husband is trying to make himself get up and do that.  It's not working. 

I've been using my new Arbonne skin care products.  Good quality but they're almost a bit too rich for me I think...not that they're too expensive (which they are) but I mean rich as in too oily and sticky for my skin.  I am wondering if I'll start to break out soon.  That's what often happens with me and skin care products; we're good for a bit and then I start to break out.  The best skin care regime I have ever had has involved me not washing my face EVER.  I only wash it when I shower and the rest of the time I'd leave it alone.  That worked great for me.  We'll see if Arbonne can compare.  However I must admit that I do like the products...just not sure if they're too rich for my skin.

Facebook is FREAKING me out.  My very first boyfriend just added me to his friend's list.  I don't mean my first boyfriend that I was serious with, I mean the first boy I ever kissed!  So weird.  I knew this guy when I was 12 and have not seen him since then!  Weird.  Plus now that he's on my list and one other guy, I have all these other people asking me if I know them because they knew these two guys.  I was thinking "Hello, they were in a band...they knew everyone!"  I think he just thought I was cute and added me!  So it's this weird hodge podge of people I know really well and then people I don't know at all, but knew many years ago.  And then there's the people I don't know!  Facebook is definitely weird...but I am also really enjoying reconnecting with people. 

Overindulgence

06.05.07 (9:42 pm)   [edit]
I felt a bit guilty today when I opened up my credit card bill!  I have been spending a bit and it has finally caught up with me.  So I felt bad because of my spending, and my sweet husband said to me "You don't worry about that....I'll chuck some money on your card, you needed all those clothes and things and I'm happy to pay for them."  Isn't that sweet?  I was like "Wow, you're amazing!"  I can't even believe how nice that was of him.  Not that it's SO much money, but I was feeling bad about it and he took that bad feelilng away.  Wow...that really was a nice thing to do.

Rainy Day

06.04.07 (8:07 pm)   [edit]

Well it's a rainy day. I kept myself busy today with a workout and with some blogging/facebooking.  Tonight the hockey game is on.  Ottawa is losing but we're not out of the game.  If we win tonight it ties it all up for the fifth game.  I hope we win.  Ottawa hasn't won a Stanley Cup in 80 years.   My husband is out helping dig out a buddy's truck.  He got stuck in the mud while offroading and so now they have to dig him out.  So while he's out I'm going to watch the game!

I bought some stuff at Victoria's Secret because they had a sale!  I got two pair of yoga pants with stripes down the side and two henley sweaters (black and brown) and I got a thermal hoodie in "hibiscus".  Don't even get me started on "retail colour names" because I can wax on about it for hours.  The short version is that I think colour names should be extremely obvious so I don't have to guess or figure them out.  'Nuff said.  I do look forward to my yoga pants as I am a new convert to them!  I don't have any with stripes on the sides so these will work well in my wardrobe.  The henley shirts are great everyday wear.  The hoodie is for my daily reality...the fact that I'm always cold.

My "Arbonne" stuff arrived today from my "friend".  I promptly used it to exfoliate and moisturize!  I hate that I love these products so much!  Stupid Swiss botanicals.

So what else...let's see...hockey...skin care...clothing...I can't think of anything else that needs discussing.

The rain has been coming down like crazy here...and still no migraine.  That is becoming the new "normal" for me.  For the first time in a long time I looked out the window today and saw the rain and didn't immediately think "Gee why don't I have a migraine?"  I didn't actually notice the rain in any other way than anyone else might...like "hey look it's rainy today."  No migraine and no wondering why no migraine.  Didn't take me long to start taking that for granted did it! :)

Tubing

06.03.07 (11:39 pm)   [edit]
Just catching up on the PVR.  Watching the Simpsons.  There's a show that sure has changed.  It's still funny and I still watch it religiously, but it's not as good as it once was.  It's trying too hard...or at least that's how it feels.  I guess that happens with shows that have been on the air for a while.  I am impressed that sometimes I STILL let out a huge belly laugh when I watch.  That's saying something.

Burgers and stuff

06.02.07 (9:03 pm)   [edit]

We went out for a burger today, my husband and I.  I had never been to "The Works" before today.  My husband and I went and man, was it good!  I had a burger with carmelized onions, brie and a pear slice.  That was really delicious, but it couldn't hold a candle to my husband's burger which had bacon and an egg on it...it was absolutely delicious! 

Aside from having lunch at the Works, my husband cut the lawn and is now playing on the Xbox.  Command and Conquer 3 is his current obsession and he'll be busy with that for a while! 

I'm still coasting on a migraine-free week, even though the weather is crazy with rain storms.  I have no idea what series of events has conspired to cause my migraines to go away, but I can't thank it enough...whatever the cause. 

Friday mellow

06.01.07 (6:04 pm)   [edit]

Well today is a mellow day.  I did a ten minute workout on my recumbent bike again.  I couldn't do a workout yesterday because I was too tired, but I managed a full ten minutes today.  Not that ten minutes is such a big deal, but it is for me!  Anyway, I didn't break a sweat or anything, but it was good to get a bit of exercise in.  I do however feel it...I'm so sleepy. 

It's warm and humid here in Eastern Ontario...in fact I believe that much of the eastern seabord is having the same weather...humid, warm, threatening thunderstorms.  It's the kind of weather that should have me reeling from a migraine.  Again, I'm fine.  This is really unusual.  I have now missed out getting migraines for the last four rainstorms...that is basically unheard of in my world...especially since going off the pill.

So after spending a week and a half testing out samples and trying different products, my husband and I placed our Arbonne order.  It's nice quality stuff.  I still maintain that I would never spend this much money on facial care of any kind except that my "friend" cornered me into it.  However, I am pleased with the quality of the products.  I still feel like she has left our friendship a little used but at least I am happy with the products I ended up with.  My poor husband said that he was going to use that money to buy parts for his truck, but instead he will support our friend's bourgeoning business.  He's a very sweet man, my husband.  I was much more interested in buying one or two little products just to make her happy and leave it at that, but he was more interested in trying everything, giving feedback and then buying all the products we liked.  He said "Well if we're going to support her we might as well do it whole-heartedly."  True.  Still I don't really think we needed to spend quite so much money on skin care products.  It was very sweet of him to once again put off his truck's repairs.

His truck is a hobby vehicle that he wants to put a bunch of work and parts into...sort of a work in progress.  Whenever he has some extra cash he tries to work on the truck.  I wanted him to get it going, but he wanted to make sure we support our friend.  She has no idea what he sacrificed for her products.  He's a very sweet person and if I have to I'm going to make the order from Summit Racing!