Wolfen's Blog

Snowy Thursday

It's a snowy day here in the National Capital.  We got five centimetres of snow overnight and it stayed on the ground.  In fact it's melting now but it's still quite snowy.  I like winter.  It's fine by me.

Today I'm being a complete couch potato.  Not even, I'm blogging from my bed this morning...afternoon!  Wow it's even later than I had thought.  I'm going to hang out in the house being a sloth.  My husband is going to pick up a baguette on his way home and we'll have that with some pasta for supper.  I love baguette.  You can dip it in balsamic vinegar and olive oil as a really yummy "old world" snack.  We love it and so every so often we pick up a baguette and have it for supper with some pasta...but it's all about the baguette when we have it...the pasta is just garnish so we can say we had a proper meal!

My husband and I have been buying the asparagus that's out right now because of spring.  There is just something about asparagus.  I can literally eat an entire meal of just asparagus...so yummy.  We buy it in bundles and cook them all up at once in the steamer.  When they're done cooking we eat some hot but often save some in a container in the fridge so that we can put them in salads or other cooking too.  Mmmm...spring.  Asparagus tastes like spring to me.

Mom Visit

My mom came by to visit and to help me with some chores.  I'm not able to do the vacuuming and stuff so my mom sometimes helps out when my husband is too busy...which he has been lately.  My husband has been working really long hours lately and so mom came by and helped me out.

It was nice to see my mom and it was great that she helped me out.  She does have this weird way of making me feel odd though.  I can't exactly explain it but it's like she wants me to be sick.  She is so quick and willing to make exceptions and excuses for me because of my MS.  That works out great when I wasn't really interested in doing what she wanted, but when it comes to giving me credit for when I'm feeling better...she isn't as keen about that.

I told my mom a while ago about the bovine ovary supplements and how they will hopefully help me and she seemed pretty eager for me to try them.  But I wonder how she's going to deal with my not getting sicker...and in fact possibly even getting better.  I mean I think she'll be happy for me, but she has this weird thing about my illness.  It's like it makes her interesting to her friends or something.  Up until I got sick, my mom was that woman whose children are all successful and her home is nice and happy...she really wasn't very interesting to them.  Once I got MS it was something she could always fall back on to talk about when they got together.  I wonder if she's okay with my getting better.  I wonder if she's going to accept it. 

I Get Tired of This

I am tired of migraines!  I know spring is just beginning and I have basically a whole three months of this to look forward to, but I still really hate that all of my posts have to have this whiney quality because of the migraines.  I'm not going to lie and say that I'm fine when I'm not, but I really hate that all of my posts lately have had to do with migraines. Mleh. *pouts and stamps feet*

My bovine ovary pills are in the mail.  They were taking forever to get here so my husband emailed the place and apparently they sent them out last week.  I'm sure they probably wait to send them out in the hopes that they can have an extra month with your money before they have to ship them to you.  They probably buy them AFTER you order them.  However, I'm not going to complain, at least I know they're on their way.  I am really looking forward to trying them and seeing how they work.  If you don't take protein shakes with them your breasts won't grow very much at all, so if I get to the point where my boobs start to get too big, I'll just stop using the protein shakes.  It will be gradual and there is a chance that I may lactate (yuck) but if it heals the damage that MS has done I don't care if I have to wear a nursing bra!

I don't even let the idea that I could "move on" from this disease enter into my head, but lately the hope of healing the myelin damage has me cautiously optimistic about how this could work for me.  I am just willing to try it because the science looks good and because the side effects don't bother me.  I will say that I feel like my next incarnation of myself is dependant on them actually helping me...and that if they don't work I'll probably just fizzle out into a bored husk of myself.  Somehow I don't see myself being a husk, so my only logical conclusion is that they will help me.  I think my BELIEF that they will help is also positive...I "expect" them to help and that actually helps as well.  Being receptive to medication is a big step in it working the way it should.  It means you will make sure to take it at the right time, in the right way, and with the right mental attitude.  That can make the difference with some medications.

Insomniblog

Well I'm having insomnia.  Rather than fight it, I just work away at keeping myself occupied until I get sleepy.  I am watching "Tripping the Rift" and writing about life.  My husband is snoring beside me.  He has to get up in a few short hours.

I love night time.  It's so great to be awake during the night.  I love sunshine too, but there's something great about being "alone" sometimes and nighttime gives me that time to just be in my own little world.  When I have insomnia I try to use the time to think more and see if I can find some new truths about myself or the world in which I live.  I use the time to become a little introspective.  Tonight I'm also using the time to get over this headache.

Migraines are a common problem for me, and though I talk about them I don't suffer endlessly with them.  When I get a migraine I can usually manage it well with THC medication and rest.  Tonight I am having a migraine and I haven't taken any extra THC but I probably will have to soon.  It makes the pain go away.  I don't like to take extra THC but when it's necessary there's not much you can do.  It's better than taking percocet or fyorinol or any other serious pain killers.

I've been having a lot more migraines lately since I went off the birth control pill.  Sometimes I think I should just go back on it, but the thing is that when I am on the pill I get migraines for an entire week during the time when I'm not on the pill each month.  It's like being on the pill keeps the migraines away except for the one week of the month when I'm not taking the pills.  During that week I have the worst migraines ever...very severe.  If I don't take the pill, I get migraines dispersed much more sporadically through the month but they're not as bad as when I take the pill. 

The whole issue became a problem when (this is actually a true story) the plant that manufactures my birth control pill burned down!  The plant burned down and the company hasn't resumed production of the pill in a new plant yet.  The pill I was taking was a very low dose pill and it was the lowest estrogen containing pill available.  It was called Minestrin.  The pill is no longer being made and the next pill up from it is called "Loestrin".  Loestrin causes me horrifying migraines during my period.  All other pills on the market have higher estrogen content than Loestrin so it's the one I'd have to go to if I want to be on the pill.

Good TV

We watched two episodes of "30 Days" tonight thanks to the PVR.  The first one was about outsourcing of American jobs to India.  It was amazing.  The second episode was about a Christian family that has an atheist come live with them for 30 days.  Both shows were stunning.  This show leaves me absolutely floored every time I watch it.  Why does it seem to me like the people who should most be watching it probably aren't?  The people who do watch it are already enlightened enough to be drawn to it, but I wonder how many people who could actually learn from it are watching...probably not as many as I'd like.

Day in Bed

Today my husband and I slept in really late.  He fell asleep last night at about 1:00 am and slept until 6:45 this morning.  Then we both walked the dog together for the first time in months and went back to bed.  We fell asleep and woke up again at about noon.  My husband said he can't remember the last time he felt this well rested!

My husband has gone to visit a friend of ours from work.  The friend has a very bad back injury and is off work now on disability just like I am.  Except he's in constant pain.  The guy can barely move most of the time.  My husband was contacted by the guy's daughter through her facebook account!  She asked him to go visit our friend.  Unfortunately for me I can't do two visits in two days and since we had a visit yesterday to my parents' and we're having one tomorrow to my in-laws' place, I have to stay home.  Otherwise I'd have enjoyed seeing our friend as well.

My parrot had a bath yesterday and now her feathers are so lovely.  She gets a bath every so often...not as often as she probably should.  Anyway, she gets sprayed with warm water in the shower stall and then I blow dry her feathers on low heat with the hair dryer!  She LOVES the hair dryer.  The warm air gets her so excited that she starts screaming and flapping her wings and then she sort of flings herself backward on my hand (still holding on with her feet) and flies backward and upside down!  She shrieks with joy as she hangs off my hand and flaps her wings.  She's quite cute.

Easter Dinner

Well my husband and I went for Easter dinner at my folks' place.  It was nice enough.  My dad left at the end of dessert to go watch the hockey game.  Seriously.  Anyway my mom and my brother and my husband and I enjoyed our dessert and coffee and had a good chit chat about life.  At one point my cousin who at one time had considered being a tattooist came up.  My brother said "I can't believe he wanted to be a tattooist...pfft!" 

I can see this is going to be a bit of an adjustment for him.  But you know what, I'm tired of being so polite that I just don't do what I want to do.  I mean sure I can keep my brother happy if I don't ever become a tattooist, but you know who I want to make happy now...me!  He'll get over it, but it was an example of what my husband said I should get used to.  He said that I should expect to be shunned a little sometimes especially when my tattoos are showing and that not everyone is going to be supportive or even want to talk to me when they find out what I do.  Awesome!  I'm up for the challenge. :)

Aside from that little comment, the night was very nice...a little boring but nice.  I find myself feeling like everyone is so weird now!  I know it's the THC, but honestly people seem so funny to me now.  It was funny to see my brother just babbling on about work again.  He's so obsessed with his job.  Weird.  It was a bit odd not having my two other brothers there for Easter, but I guess that's the way things go now...people's lives are busy and not everyone has time for a get together.  That was a little weird too.  It was a funny night, but we enjoyed ourselves.  I think my mom is a little sad...probably because not all her kids and grandchildren were around...but still her sadness was noticeable to me.  I don't think my dad helped matters by leaving the table before we were finished and watching hockey.  Weird night!

Long Weekend

Well it's the Easter long weekend.  I kind of see this as the kick-off to the summer season.  It's like there's this huge vacationless period of time between Christmas and Easter and then for the rest of the year you pretty much get one long weekend per month.  The year is a lot more fun from now on. 

We're quickly coming upon May Day.  I think we'll celebrate this year by burning our Christmas tree.  Should be fun.  We'll get some wine and some lawn chairs and sit out front and watch it all go up in the stone fire pit.  We'll drink some vino and put our feet up by the heat of the fire.  Sounds perfect.  We won't have mosquitos by then either so it won't be too hard to stay outside.

This May brings my birthday as well...Yay!  Birthdays are so fun.  I expect this year to be particularly spectacular.  I am expecting my husband to give me some tattoo equipment...should be really interesting to see it all.  I've never inspected a tattoo machine up close and personal so I'm glad I'll have the chance.

Snore

I am sooooo sleepy today.  Had to take extra THC to cope with the migraines...ah spring.  Anyway it's been a good day.  I found more friends on facebook yesterday and now it's getting so that I'm almost afraid to blog!  I have so many people who will read my posts that I'm almost afraid to say anything!  Almost.  I still manage to blah, blah, blah about stuff but I can only really be "half" of myself.  I put the other half here.

Believe it or not, this is the only place where I can openly talk about tattooing and my interest in it as an art form.  I haven't bought any tattoo machines yet but I suspect my husband will buy me two for my birthday this year.  That's when the cat will be out of the bag so to speak (I hate that saying by the way).  That's when my family gets to see that all these years I was just hoarding my desire to tattoo like a festering mental illness. :) 

I think that my extended family (cousins, aunts, etc) will be fine with it.  I even think my mom will be okay with it once she gets over the fear that I'll be shot by some scary customer.  You know who's going to burst a vein?  My dad.  He's so against tattoos that he will openly get angry when he finds out.  I'll let my mom tell him. 

The fact is that I've always loved "body art" and even as a kid when they heard me say that I wanted to be a tattooist they always laughed and made fun.  Why wouldn't I want to be "more" than that?  My question was always "What's wrong with being a tattooist?  Why do I need to be MORE than that?"  So I did it their way and got an education, even though I was lackluster about it.  I started working in the real world and got too tired to remember what it was that I wanted to do....worked for many years and then stopped when I got MS.  It's like all of a sudden I'm remembering myself.  It's crazy.  Like an old friend that I really liked and wonder why we ever drifted apart.

Facebook

Facebook is blowing my mind.  Seriously.  I just chatted with a girl I knew when I was like 10.  She moved away when we were kids and I never heard from her again...until Facebook.  It's crazy.  Of course there is a drawback.  With all of the people I ever knew seemingly all in one place, worlds will collide.  You know what I mean.  People from different parts of your world will all be in one place.  It's like a conglomeration of your personality facets.  You don't get to be the class clown with your old boss, but you can be with your old highschool friends.  So how does it all fit?? ...actually surprisingly well!  I don't expect that everyone is as pleased with how it comes together but so far I'm enjoying my facebook experience. 

Those who know my real name can find me under my married name, but because my maiden name (the one I used to get into most of my trouble!) is not listed it means that people really have to look hard to find me.  They have to know what school I went to or who I was friends with.  It's not as easy for my past to come and bite me in the ass!  So far I'm enjoying hearing from old friends and snooping around people's photo albums.  Hey I've got lots of time on my hands!

I always feel bad because nobody knows I have MS and so one by one my old high school friends and acquaintances are learning I have MS.  I feel bad.  I try not to talk about it too much, but I also can't hide it exactly and nor do I want to.  The point is that I feel bad when people figure it out. 

The only thing that I personally find difficult about Facebook is that it can sometimes be a bit overwhelming.  It's like there's a lot going on so you have to be careful about your privacy settings and who you poke.  You have to kind of take it in small doses or it can sort of make your head feel light!  That could also be the THC I've taken for this migraine...nah!

Impatient

I hate waiting for stuff in the mail.  We buy a lot of stuff from eBay and just online websites.  I hate the waiting.  I mean obviously there's going to be some wait with anything you order, but when that wait goes from a few days or a week up to weeks...well then I get anxious.  I keep saying "I wonder what's taking my X so long." 

I'm currently waiting for my prolactin pills to arrive.  Okay they're not actually "prolactin pills" they're bovine ovary pills.  But the end result of taking them is that your body produces prolactin, so I call them prolactin because it's easier.  You also have to take protein shakes with these pills so that you can produce the right amount of boobage.  I'm not taking them for the boobage, but I will still probably take the protein shakes because...well because I like the idea of a bigger chest!  However, the pills are to hopefully repair the damage that MS has done to my nerves.  I am REALLY excited to start taking them, because in my mind this may be as good as a "cure".  So the fact that it's been a few weeks since we ordered them is driving me nuts!  My husband says they take 4-6 weeks to arrive, but sometimes they say that and it only takes like two or three weeks.  Not this stuff! 

My mom is all excited for me to get these pills too.  She said "Well even if your breasts increase in size, who cares if the pills repair the myelin damage."  I think it's adorable that she sees the extra breast increase as a minor annoyance instead of a positive thing, but whatever! :)  She always had a huge rack so I guess that's why she is sort of biased against large breasts.  She always thought I was so lucky because I had small boobs!  Anyway, a small bit of growth may be noticed but the main thing is that I may start feeling like my old self again.  If this works I'll probably end up in one of those Inquirer articles "Woman says breast enlargement saved her life" and people will laugh.  The funny thing is that it may be sorta true when it's all said and done!

Phoenix

I think my next tattoo will be a pheonix on my arm.  I've been toying with different ideas but the pheonix and I have a lot in common and it just speaks to me.  I'm thinking I'll get it on my left shoulder/arm.  The bird will start on my shoulder and the tail will curl down the length of my arm...stopping at the 3/4 mark so I can still cover it up with a long sleeved shirt and it won't show at all.  I have some really great pheonix art and I suspect that my tattooist will have even more of them.  I'll have to figure out what I want and go talk to her. 

I had thought I'd like to get a back tattoo done but I want to get that done later, especially since it's such an expensive tattoo...I may decide to go somewhere special to have it done.  I want to be 110% sure before I do the back one.  I do know what I want on my back, I just have to explain it all out to someone and see if they'd be cool with it, but it's going to cast about $1200 so I want to wait for that one.

The phoenix won't cover all of my arm.  Instead of having a densely coloured arm, I want it to have a more feminine feeling to it, with lots of curly cues and scrolling feathers.  So it will not completely fill up the arm but rather it will be an accent that runs almost the entire length of the arm as a decoration.  I want it in red because red is my favourite colour...I've thought about a lot of different tattoo designs I want, and I want a lot!  But the design that feels the most "pressing" now is the phoenix.  I know I want it too because I've stopped "searching" for a tattoo...instead I'm looking specifically at phoenix art.  I am hoping that my husband will buy this tattoo for me on our anniversary which isn't until October.  By then I should have lost the weight I need to lose so I won't run the risk of it getting soggy looking as I pare down.

I had thought I'd get a Richard Tate tattoo on my butt first, and believe me I still intend on getting that one, but the pheonix really speaks to me and I can't get the idea out of my head.  It "fits" if you know what I mean.  I feel like I'm going through a rebirth of sorts and from my own ashes too...I feel like it's something that will happen as soon as I start taking those hormone pills to repair the damage that MS has done.  I feel like then I'll be able to finally exercise enough to get my hardbody back!  Then I can finish my tattoos.  But the pheonix comes first!

Equal Opportunity

I'd love to run a tattoo shop that had a program for parolees.  The idea would be that every so often a parolee from prison would be able to join up on my team as an apprentice.  I'd teach them how to tattoo properly and help keep them a little organized with their parole officer.  The idea would be to eventually have a few former prisoners as tattooists.  The program would have to have the involvement of the local police and Corrections Canada, but I think it would be worth doing.  There are a lot of prisoners who get out of jail without too many skills...but many of them can tattoo and often already have some ideas about how to do it.  Basically my job would be to reward one person every two years with an apprenticeship.  The corrections system would find a good fit for the shop and we'd work together to reintegrate said convict into the "real world". 

The advantage to this is that because of the nature of the program, the police would have to swing by fairly often to "check up" on the parolees.  That keeps the whole thing pretty squeaky clean so that there would be no reason for any gangs or other negative elements to try to get their hooks into the business.  Having the cops come by fairly often would also be an added income source.  Cops LOVE tattoos!

Just daydreaming really.  I just think that there has to be a way for a tattoo shop to buck that "image" of being all badass.  People of all walks of life have tattoos and so tattoo shops should reflect that.  They don't need to be all dingy and low brow anymore.  So why not make a shop that's really top-drawer.  You know, with a nurse on duty and a really great selection of original art.  I like the idea of helping parolees because often they have no way of getting a job.  If I can provide a good source of income and training, I can expect the most loyal workforce in the world.  Seriously.  When you help someone who's never really had a chance, they don't forget it.  That's what I want...loyal minions! :)