Wolfen's Blog

Just another day

I'm just lying in bed with the parrot sitting on my chest, typing away on the laptop.  Yesterday I was only able to get out of bed for about four hours in the late afternoon.  I spent almost the entire day in bed.  I guess the cold is still really bogging me down.  Normally I'd be more energetic than this, even with MS.  The good news is that at least I have a cold and this isn't just the way I am sick now forever.  With MS you never know if the next symptom you get will be the one that is permanent. 

I've been losing weight because of being sick and because of having no appetite even when I'm not sick.  That's been pleasant.  As I lose the weight I notice my tattoo on my lower back looking better and better.  The less flab you have around a tattoo the nicer it looks!  As the skin tightens up, the tattoo starts to look bigger because the overall size of my lower back area has gotten smaller. 

When I had that tattoo done I asked how it would look if I lost weight and my tattooist told me that because it was an asymmetrical design located in the centre of my lower back that it should not lose its shape at all.  She said that if it was perfectly symmetrical it could lose its shape easier because the body doesn't lose or gain weight evenly over the same area and the loss of symmetry in the tattoo would immediately make it look funny.  My design is not symmetrical and it's in a spot that doesn't gain or lose very much, so it should be fine.  She said that once I'm down to the size I like that we can then put on the "sides" to the tattoo on my lower back, but that if we did them before I lost the weight that I could risk screwing up their shape.  So we wait!

I watched Morgan Spurlock's "30 Days" last night.  It was about a straight farm boy from some very small town in middle America living for a month with a gay guy in San Francisco and trying to learn that being gay isn't a "sin" despite having been told that by his pastor.  It was a great show and it really opened the guy's eyes up to the idea that gay people do not choose to be gay.  He was sure it was a "choice" when he left his little town.  By the end of the episode he was really impressively convinced.  But I think he still believes that the bible says it's a sin.  I just don't know if he's going to be able to believe that particular passage anymore.  It was a good show.  I really like the premise of the show.  It's amazing to me how jaded and biggotted small town folks can be simply because they never go anywhere or meet anyone different from themselves.  That has a way of "cloistering" you from reality.

I think that the best way to deal with "fears" is to confront them.  If you're homophobic, go out and meet as many gay people as you can so you can learn and understand.  Don't assume that because you're afraid of something that the fear is justified.  And don't confuse moral high ground with prudishness.  I think that once you immerse yourself in your fears you can conquer them.  (This from the woman who is terrified of spiders but who will never immerse herself in them!)

Do people still watch soap operas?

Do they even call them soap operas anymore?  I mean I can remember my grandmother enjoying her soaps, and even when she went into the hospital she watched them.  Funny how important they were to her.  I watched "Days of Our Lives" when I was younger, mostly because I had the time.  I have the time now, but I really can't get into soap operas.  I mean I like cooking shows, lame talk shows even but soaps...it's so pointless.  It's a bunch of crazy made-up storylines that are often not only impossible but also fantastical.  They rely on totally inappropriate reactions in humans (like people who don't call the cops when they discover a dead person)...to further these crazy storylines and all I can think of is "How bored do you have to be to get involved with a soap?"

I think it's less about boredom though.  I think it's just that a certain segment of the population enjoys the World Weekly News.  They are largely the same people who watch soaps.  My intuition on this comes solely from the fact that I can find "Soap Opera Digest" and "The World Weekly News" side by side at the grocery store! 

I think it has to do with distracting the human mind with stories.  We're all about our stories aren't we?  As a species we love to spin a tale or watch a story unfold in a movie.  We listen to our friends' stories, sometimes gossip, sometimes not gossip.  We are totally into celebrity stories as well aren't we...as a culture I mean.  So the idea of a melodramatic story that unfolds on a weekly basis with comfortable, familiar characters and themes seems pretty understandable.  But my GAWD those things are lame!

I mean no offense to anyone who loves to indulge on occasion.  I think that all things in moderation are fine...including the World Weekly News!  But when I flip through the channels on TV I can't think of anything I'd less rather watch than some depressing soap.  I'd rather watch eyeball surgery quite frankly.  Most days I just leave the TV off for the daytime.  My grandmother watched one soap if I'm not mistaken, and she did it so she'd have something to enjoy with her girlfriends on the street.  Back then everyone was at home all day with the kids and sneaking an hour in for some soaps was the ultimate indulgence, you know after a day of washing clothes and cooking meals.  She started her habit with a radio...and when TV finally became mainstream and affordable enough for them to get one, she watched on TV...in black and white of course.

I don't know what made me feel the need to post about them, but soaps suck.  I wish someone would make a low-budget daytime serial that was like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  In fact, why don't they just play Buffy the Vampire Slayer during the daytime?  Now THOSE were good stories! :)

Spring is definitely coming

Wow it is beautiful outside...just sunny and warm and slightly below freezing.  It's a wonderful spring day.  I hope that I don't end up with insomnia soon.  Spring always brings on the insomnia.  After the first few weeks, you start to get a little loopy and then you just wonder if you'll ever have a normal sleep again.  Then summer comes along and sleep returns it seems.  It's weird.  It's like being on too much sugar...a problem best characterized by that thing that happens when you go out drinking and then fall asleep only to wake up a few hours later with a pounding headache and unable to sleep because of all the sugar in your system.  THAT feeling is the best way to describe the feeling that comes in the spring...at least for me.

So as I go through my spring sugar high I hope I can find some way to force myself to sleep.  So far this cold has kept me absolutely knocked out for most of the winter.  I haven't had too many nights of insomnia this winter...though I still have the odd night.  I wonder if having a cold in the spring would fix the insomnia bit.  I really don't want another though. 

I'm looking forward to watching today's recorded episode of "30 Days" where a straight guy is going to live for a month as a gay guy in a gay neighbourhood.  Should be an eye opener.  I want to see if the guy is less homophobic by the end of the episode.

Breath of Fresh Air

I had to go outside and untangle the dog from his tree.  His clothesline system is pretty good but once in a while he gets caught on a tree and I have to unwind him.  So I ran out in my husband's snow boots. 

I noticed something immediately when I got outside.  It's still chilly but the air is different.  It's like the sun feels actually warm when you're out in it.  The weather feels less deep and thick somehow.  Like the world is just beginning the very earliest of signs that it might wake up again.  It "feels" like spring.  I know it's not spring and that the Vernal Equinox is not for another three weeks or so, but it sure feels springy out there. 

This is the time of year I really don't like actually.  As much as I like spring, I can't sleep for about three months when it comes.  It becomes an insane battle against almost hyperactive feelings.  It's very hard to describe...it's a little like having a flu or something...you feel it in your bones.  It's like you know you won't be able to sleep or to calm down.  It's really weird.  I don't know if this is what MS patients in general go through, but it's been my experience that spring is not a great time of year when you have MS.

Cannabis, Pot, Marijuana, THC and the hits I get on this blog

The most interesting feature of this blog is the fact that I can see what google searches parse my blog.  It gives me a very good idea as to why people come to read my blog. 

I get many hits regarding any new movies I post about.  I think that may be in part due to the "Nothing but Trailers" show I watch on HDTV.  It gives you some pretty early trailers and so by the time the ad is on high rotation on TV, I've already seen it for weeks on Nothing but Trailers.  I usually comment on movies as soon as I see the very first trailer and so I'm one of the first people that seems to blog about them.  That seems to fetch some interest.

I get some other hits regarding any TV shows I comment on, especially Henry Rollins show on IFC.  I really like that show, despite the fact that Henry Rollins is very obviously uncomfortable in the role of "interviewer".  You can tell he feels "fake" and isn't cool with it.  The rant part "Teeing Off" is much more relaxed, but when he has to ask questions of his guests he seems uncomfortable and that makes it a little uncomfortable for me to watch.  I still love the show.  That seems to be a popular search on Google too.

By far, the most hits I get have to do with THC.  I'm on 3 mg of THC every day, plus Sativex spray for breakthrough pain when the THC doesn't cut it.  I take it for Neuropathic Pain associated with the Primary Progressive MS I was diagnosed with in 2001.  It doesn't make me "high" exactly, but I do feel a little "buzzed" from it sometimes.  For the most part I take the stuff on a constant basis, so I never actually "come down" and so I never get the munchies.  I have been told by various sources that the amount of THC I take would be approximately equal to five grams of pot or hash each day to achieve the same quantity of THC. 

When I was a teenager I used to find that even a 1/4 gram of hash was a lot (I have the rather unique perspective on this drug of having also used it recreationally when I was a teen).  If I had tried to take five grams of pot or hash every day when I was in high school I would have been a complete mush-brain.  No doubt.  So I know that on a fundamental basic level I am "wasted" at least from a legal point of view.  When I drive I know that I'm on a lot of THC and that if I screw up, I'm probably extremely liable, so the only way I drive now is if I abstain from my meds first.  But using THC on a regular basis does cause you to get used to being high.  After awile you don't really even know what it would be like to not be "high".  I forget a lot of things and I don't think the same way as I used to, but I really don't think that the drug, even in this high a dose, is "damaging" me in any way.  The memory problems would go away if I stopped taking the drug and aside from the fatigue it causes it really isn't having any other bad side effects...well except for the occasional rigours I get. 

I can see how following the story of a woman who takes prescription THC would be interesting to a lot of different people, from fellow MS patients to parents wondering about the pot they caught their kid smoking.  The important thing to remember about my being on this drug is that it's an anomoly that I am on it.  If ANY other drug had worked on me, without causing horrible side effects, I would have taken them.  This was the neurologist's "last try".  There's this underlying theory that somehow pot would fix everything that's wrong with everyone if we were all just allowed to take it.  As much as taking THC has me feeling groovy some of the time, it has a lot of drawbacks and not being able to drive is one of them.  It also absolutely destroys short term memory.  I can't remember what I did five minutes ago.  I can remember all my childhood memories just fine, but my short-term is almost shot.  I have to really cram things into my head to absorb them into long-term memory.  That can make having conversations very difficult because you have to keep asking questions and repeating yourself. 

According to Dan Rather Reports, the state of California all but legalized pot a while ago, as long as it's prescribed by a doctor.  Schools are now getting kids with prescription letters saying they need to be on pot for PMS.  This is really dangerous.  Remember how I said that THC affected short-term memory temporarily?  Well that's not the case in people who's brain is still growing.  If your hippocampus isn't finished growing, taking loads of pot can actually retard the development of that area of the brain, causing the average teen to be unable to learn new things.  This was the exact reason that as a teenager I dropped out of high school.  I fried my brain with pot.  I literally stopped smoking pot as a teen because I couldn't do simple math and I was suddenly feeling like maybe I was metally retarded.  It took me about six months to get my brain back after that summer.  I am now taking WAY more THC than I was back then, and let me tell you I can't do simple math again.  I can't remember a lot of simple things...including concepts.  I tend to get lost in my own thoughts too. 

I know that pot and THC gets a bad rap from the right-wing freaks who started fear-based campaigns during the reefer madness of the 40's.  That mentality has not changed in a large portion of the population.  That is dangerous thinking as well.  THC has a lot of really great medical uses and research into THC has revealed an entire system in the brain that they didn't know about until about 15 years ago...the endocannabinoid system.  Anyway, my point is that to ban it outright ignores all the really important advances in medicine they could make with the right research teams. 

Prescribing it to every single person who says they find it relaxes them is completely irresponsible as well.  It does have very strong medical side effects for young people whose brains are still growing.  It can cause learning disabilities that are temporary, but that are enough to hamper a kid's progress in school.  Basically what I'm saying is that it should be used wisely...like any medicine.  If you find it helps with PMS, well great but maybe then you should only use it at night before you go to bed.  Maybe smoking it all day long is a little extreme if you're just having cramps.  It's a little like taking morphine for a mild headache.  A bit too much medicine and not a good way to medicate yourself if you're trying to be taken seriously in your claims of THC helping you.

As an adult woman in my thirties, I find that this drug makes me have some pretty bad social problems, including paranoia and mood swings.  When I took it as a teenager I was a complete bitch!  I mean serious bitch too...like telling my mother and father to fuck off and being totally insanely unreasonable when I didn't get my way.  I don't tell people to fuck off anymore but I think that if I was put in the right situation I could.  I'd be a lot more likely to tell someone off now while I'm on THC than I ever would have when I wasn't on it.  It's a little like being mildly drunk all day...probably you're okay as long as nobody pisses you off.  How would that go over in a workplace?  I mean how long would it be before I told my boss to fuck off?  I don't know.

So THC is a great drug for me.  It stops neuropathic pain and I can handle the side effects, which are numerous, because I don't have a lot of choice.  But is it the great drug of tomorrow?  I think that maybe it's going to be helpful for learning, but in practical use it's not an easy drug to be on.  Most people go off THC because they can't handle the side effects that I've discussed.  It's not the wonderful perfect happy drug we'd all like to think it is.  It's a serious medication that has some potential uses that are going to save a lot of very sick people a lot of serious pain, but I really don't think it's going to be the right choice for your average person suffering from stress, unless they use it sparingly and probably just at night before bed.  I think that this drug needs to be used with responsibility and I'm not entirely sure that in this age of suing everyone for anything that it can even be a drug that the masses can take.  The driving issue alone would be a big problem.  How many people would comply with the "You cannot drive while on this medication." ...how many would say "Well I have to drive because I have to work." and just do it anyway?  My point is that doctors don't want to get sued and this drug is a lawsuit waiting to happen for some people.  I don't think it can ever be completely legalized and decriminalized as a result.  I think they'll always need to have it regulated.

Downloadable brain content

Wouldn't it be awesome if you could download content into your brain.  Like in the Matrix.  It's like "Hmmm...I wonder how you make a souflé." and if you could just download that information into your brain, you wouldn't need to read and learn it or follow a recipe, you would just know how to do it.  The same could apply for languages and any learning that would come from a book...and fiction novels and really anything.  Wouldn't it be great if we could all start out with that knowledge as like two year olds?  Like if ALL the scientific, mathematical and linguistic information that is available, and all the history of the world could just be plunked into your head as fact at age six or whenever your hippocampus develops and can retain the information.

Yum!

My husband picked up some sushi and sashimi as a treat because I'm finally getting my sense of taste back.  I haven't been eating anything for about two weeks.  He was kind enough to get us a mixed plate with sushi, California rolls and sashimi.  Mmmm...sorry to rub it in.  I know how much everyone loves raw fish. :)

Prolactin

I've decided to start taking prolactin supplements for my MS.  I've ordered the pills and now it's a matter of waiting for them to arrive.  If this works it will take probably at least a year of being on prolactin to fix up the damage that's been done.  That's my theory anyway.  As soon as my energy levels are normal I will stop taking it.  Of course I'm already being called "possibly benign" by my neurologist because I seem to have slowed the disease progression to a crawl.  There is never going to be any real proof that this treatment will do anything aside from give me larger breasts...did I mention it gives you larger breasts?  Anyway, yeah I'm going to be taking Bovine Ovary Extract in order to get the prolactin.  You can't just buy prolactin itself, at least not now...maybe in the future.  But you can buy Bovine Ovary Extract which is ground up cow ovaries!  This sounds crazy, but it causes the body to produce large quantities of prolactin, which has been shown to fix MS damage in mice.  This isn't a cure, but it's darn close as far as I can see.  If I take this supplement I will repair the damage that's been done...assuming the mouse model of MS and the human model are similar, which they are according to most experts.

I call this renegade medicine.  It's done with the understanding of the science but before proper testing has been completed.  It means that I am gambling that the mouse model of MS and the human model are the same...or close enough that they both respond to the same things.  I am going to take a drug that seems to fix MS damage and hope that it does exactly that.  The side effect is that this drug will cause my boobs to get large. 

I'm still trying to see where there's a drawback on any of this.  If the mouse model and human model turn out to not respond to the same things, I've taken a small risk and increased my breast size.  If it works, I stand to all but fix my disease.  Either way I'm going to look nicer in a sweater and that's nothing to scoff at either!

I tend to get very enthusiastic about stuff like this.  Part of it is that I am on THC (which causes euphoria) and part of it is that MS can cause you to feel "euphoric" for no reason.  I can become absolutely ecstatic about something and then later think "What was I so jazzed up about?"  So I always want to check my enthusiasm.  I will try not to prejudge this whole experiment (which is really what this is) and just see what happens. 

Dan Rather Reports

I watched Dan Rather Reports yesterday on HDNet...it's a really good quality show.  He does a full hour on each story and spends time giving the viewer background information and really investigating the whole story like 60 minutes might do.  The show I was watching was on Medical Marijuana and how it seems to have gone wrong in California, with "legal" marijuana being sold to anyone with a pulse.  It showed how medical marijuana was helping many people.  They talked about Sativex (the drug I'm on) and they talked about how the endocannabinoid system of the brain is actually really important and how it is now being studied thanks to cannabis research. 

This show was really good but it lacked a certain angle that I thought would have been nice to hear about.  Synthetic THC.  They talked at length about marijuana and the show WAS about marijuana, not synthetic derivatives but it left the person thinking that the only way to get THC legally was through marijuana, and that's just not the case. 

THC itself is available in two or three drug formats.  Merinol is one such drug and Nabilone is another one.  There's also another one if I'm not mistaken but it's not well tolerated.  My reason for mentioning it is that synthetic THC is what is keeping me from experiencing neuropathic pain.  I take Sativex now as a breakthrough pain treatment.  It would require me to take way too much Sativex to get the same results on a daily basis and it would be too difficult to keep it in my system all day.  I'd be taking Sativex almost every hour...that would get annoying really quickly, especially at night.

A couple of things struck me about Dan Rather's show.  The first one was of course that only those with the money to afford HDTV could see his show, so a very small percentage of the population have access to this very good quality reporting.  Secondly, the show assumes a certain level of intelligence of its viewers, which was pleasant.  I wasn't being talked to like a moron.  Dan Rather actually assumes I'm smart enough to put some things together in my head, which most people are.  His show was not condescending or patronizing in any way.  Nice change.  Now if he can just show mainstream TV how it's done maybe everyone won't have to switch to HD just to get decent TV programming.

A box came in the mail today for my husband.  He told me that some birthday gifts (for me) might start showing up soon and not to look too closely at the boxes that come in.  I love surprises.  This box is about the size of a breadbox and weighs a few pounds.  I'm hoping it's tattoo gear.  I'd like to start learning on my own soon.  Obviously I want to go to school to get trained but before I do I'd like to have a working idea of how to use my gear.  I'd like to be able to show up at school with a good clue as to what procedures to follow so that I can be comfortable with the gear.  I don't want to be the one with the least exposure to the machines.

So yeah the box has me curious but I have to wait until my birthday before I find out what it is!  AAAAAH!  The suspense will be horrible...well not really.  I used to be a lot more insane when there was a secret.  Now, I don't feel the same urge to peek!  I like waiting until my birthday to find out what it is.  It gives me something to look forward to.

Cough, cough, cough

The tail end of this cold is nasty...just coughing incessantly.  I am still very congested in the lungs from all the phlegm even though I would guess that I'm technically finished with the virus or whatever it was.  My mom was by today with her newspaper clippings about MS and her frozen home cooking to drop off.  She said she couldn't believe how congested I still was after all this time.

Speaking of clippings from the newspaper, there was one article that really piqued my curiosity...this one:  http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2007/02/2 0/ms-mice.html#skip300x250" title="http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2007/02/2 0/ms-mice.html#skip300x250" target="_blank"http://www.cbc.ca/canada/stor...  Basically it describes a very interesting discovery that prolactin repairs myelin damage in mice.  They don't think it will take too much more to show that it works in humans too...I predict that if it does, within the next 5 years we're going to all but cure MS.  I think that if you can repair myelin damage that the fight is pretty much over.  It wouldn't be a cure, but it would sure be a help.  I wonder if you can buy prolactin in pills.

Well I did some research and you CAN buy prolactin in pills.  They're "breast enhancing" pills, and they contain bovine ovary extract...prolactin.  Prolactin isn't completely "safe"...it's not completely dangerous but it's very serious medication.  It can cause sterility, increased risk for stroke and of course enlarged breasts.  I'm all for enlarged breasts as I myself have very small breasts and have on several occasions considered implants.  I am definitely up for trying a drug that has the side effect of making my boobs a bit bigger!  It's very expensive as a "boob drug", obviously because it is a surgery-free way to larger boobs they can charge almost anything for it.  It would be nice if they sold it as an MS cure instead and priced it accordingly. 

Anyway, I'm not waiting for the data to come in five years from now.  I'm going to try this stuff in small doses now to see if I can help myself be cured of this stupid disease.  If prolactin is what stops MS in mice then prolactin is what will stop it in me.  The mouse model of MS is very good and so far each advance that's worked for mice has also worked for humans.  I know they have to do all the proper testing and such, but I have the information I need now so I'm going to just go ahead and help save myself.  My sister-in-law, who's a doctor, would say "Why would you take something that might be dangerous to you when it will be available in five to ten years to the general population if it's an effective treatment?"  The answer is right there...because it may take five to ten years for the general population to get this treatment option.  I want it now.  I'm not waiting for this disease to cut my brain to ribbons and leave me drooling and fighting for air...fuck THAT.  I'm taking action at every chance.  When I hear from reliable medical journals that Vitamin D prevents MS, well I take gobs of the stuff.  If prolactin is going to repair the damage...I'll take it too.  Oh, it might slightly increase my chances of having a stroke...HELLO, I have MS, not a case of the vapours.  I already have a horrible disease that will destroy my life...I don't really need to worry too much that it might cause me to possibly have a stroke later on in my life.  What do I care more about, the chance I could have a stroke, or the FACT that I have MS now and will become extremely disabled by it unless I stop it. 

Seriously if I have to mainline nuclear waste to get rid of the MS, I'll do it.  I mean I'm cool with my life and the fact that I have MS.  I don't walk around with a chip or take it out on others that I'm suffering from a horrible disease, but if someone gives me any option that has a reasonable chance of working because they tested it on mice...well let's just say I'm going to scramble all over myself to get this cure.  Does that mean I'm stinging myself with bees or like praying or anything desperate?  No, not yet...but that doesn't mean I won't if things get much worse.  I make absolutely no rules about how I handle this disease as it eats away at me.  Just because I'm gracious and quiet about the pain I'm in now doesn't mean I'll always be quiet and gracious.  And just because I currently feel like I have it under control does not mean that I do.  Tomorrow I could wake up with optic neuritis and be in complete agony and blind in one eye.  It's out of my hands.  So when something comes along that puts it back in my hands, well I tend to take the chance and go for it. 

I plan on buying some "boob pills" for the prolactin and I'm going to take about a half or less of what the doseage calls for, but if it improves my health I will continue to take and increase dose until I get to a point where I feel like myself again.  If I can cure the damage that's been done and then prevent any new damage with the Vitamin D, I will literally have "almost" cured myself of MS.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Clean and Fluffy

I finally felt well enough to have a good long bath.  I soaked in the tub and really scrubbed myself down!  I feel all clean and fluffy, like a freshly fluffed towel out of the dryer.  It feels great to get so clean.

I watched a couple of interesting shows recently.  I watched Morgan Spurlock's 2005 film, "30 Days" on IFC.  That was a great movie about a white anglo-saxon, Virginian male who spends thirty days living as a Muslim in Dearborn Michigan.  It was really fascinating to see how much abject FEAR he had of Muslim society.  He was a practicing Christian and he spent a month living in a family's home, dressing as a Muslim, living and praying and eating as a Muslim and experiencing all the bigotry and hatred and fear that Christians have about the Muslim faith.  It was an absolutely excellent movie.  The point it drove home for me most of all was that the fear of the unknown is a very powerful motivator in American society.  I couldn't believe how cloistered and sheltered this man was that he didn't know that Muslims and Christians and Jews all pray to the same God.  His disbelief was amazing.  I mean even after being told by the Imam that he was praying to the same God, the man was still really having a hard time.  It was incredible to see how little this man knew about cultures other than his own.  It was incredible how little faith he had in his own ability to speak to God in a different way.  I mean nobody asked him to convert, they just wanted him to pose as a Muslim so he could get a feeling for it.  He was in for a BIG shock.

I started to realize by watching this show that there was a fundamental difference between the way that Americans were raised and the way that Canadians were raised.  Our societies look very simlliar at first-glance, but if you scratch the surface you will see that there are some huge differences in the way our education system has raised up a country of well-informed and fairly enlightened people who seem to understand that new cultures need not be feared.   The Americans pride themselves on being from a "cultural melting pot"...which blends all cultures so they look more Christian on the outside, but Canada is a "cultural mosaiic" not a melting pot.  We don't want people to conform to our religion, we want them to conform to our laws, but the religion part is not included in that.  Canada is this country that nobody seems to pay very much attention to, but if you look at our society, we are the only Western country that's getting the balance right.  We do not fear Muslims...oh sure, there are always going to be some bigots in every society, but for the most part we are welcoming of new people from new places. 

That brings me to the next show I watched...a Canadian affair called "Little Mosque on the Prairie"...a home-grown project to try to help Muslims and other cultures understand each other a little bit better.  It's a comedy, and it's charmingly cute.  It's typical in its Canadian innocence.  It's sure not out to address any truly hot topics, but rather it's out to become part of the fabric of the shows we watch.  It is about a community of Muslims in a "fish out of water" environment, trying to get along in the Canadian small town environment.  It's obviously a bit idyllic, and it's not exactly hilarious...but its purpose is to try and allow Canadian Muslims and Christian Canada to learn to laugh at the same things.  It's trying to pull us together. 

As a result, it's funny but a lot of Canadians feel the need to watch "Little Mosque on the Prairie" as a way of trying to learn a little about Muslims and about what makes us similar, and stop  concentrating on what makes us so different.  I hope that Muslim Canadians feel that it is an attempt to reach out a little and try to understand.  I hope they are not offended by the ideas it presents...though I'm sure that extremists from either side, Muslim OR Christian will not watch because it seems blasphemous to both sides.  For the more moderate among us who would like to learn to get along, I think it's a good step, even if it isn't that funny a show! 

This made me feel good...

Happy Mardi Gras!

Oh to be in N'Awlins today.  *sigh*  I'll spare you my moaning and whining.  Suffice it to say that I REALLY wish I was in New Orleans.

Every year I feel like if I could just go back I'd feel better.  I don't know if that's true.  I think if I went back I'd feel like staying!  I think it's best, at least for a while, if New Orleans and I don't see each other.  But I'll be back eventually...you'll see.  You can't keep me away forever.  When I go back to New Orleans I am NOT going to be all lame and sick like I am right now...you'll see, I'll be whole again.

To make up for the fact that we were both sick on Valentine's Day, and because celebrating Mardi Gras seems more important than Valentine's Day, my husband gave me a gift today...a Bleeding Edge Goth doll.  It's perfect for Mardi Gras as well because the doll looks just like she came from a New Orleans cemetery.  She's called "Annabelle Lee", no doubt an homage to Amy Lee of Evanescence (she looks just like her)...and she's a Victorian Goth (just like me!)

Who are three people that have never been in my kitchen?

I love that line from Cheers.  When Cliff Clavin is on Jeopardy.  "Who are 3 people that have never been in my kitchen?" was his answer (well the question actually) that he gave when he was on the bonus round.  He bet his entire fortune on the outcome and obviously lost when the three people turned out to be writers "Who are three writers." would have been a correct way to answer.

Anyway, it makes me laugh whenever I think of that episode because it shows you that it's all about perspective.  He was so sure that was the right answer that he bet his fortune and lost.  I guess that's why he was such a Clavin! 

So since I can't easily answer the question Who are three people that have never been in my kitchen, I would prefer to answer the question "Who are three people I'd like to have in my kitchen?"  Different from yesterday's "five people I'd like to meet and talk with" this is more about having a kitchen party.  Who are three people I'd like to have over for a casual beer?  You have to have all three over at the same time!

I'd go with Woody Harrelson, Willy Nelson and Kevin Smith (Silent Bob).  Remember that I'm on THC.  I can't think of three people I'd enjoy chatting with over a beer together more than those three.  *hee-hee*

Last night I had a migraine that was very much out of the ordinary for me.  It came on with no provocation and no triggers.  I don't quite know why I got it.  That bothers me.  Migraines up until now have always followed some rules.  The first rule was that the time of the month had to coincide with my PMS timing or my period itself.  The second rule was that they needed to be triggered by a change in the barometric pressure...usually a sudden drop.  This migraine didn't follow either of those rules and that has me a little worried that they can just come whenever they want to.  That would be bad.  I will take note of this occurrence and let my neurologist know about it.

I'm getting really tired of this flu/cold dragging on like it is.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!  I would like to ditch all remnants of this cold and feel like 'normal' again...even though my normal isn't really normal at all.  It's stable and that's better than what I've got now, which is not stable.  I keep coughing up gobs of phlegm and thinking "where does it keep coming from?"  One of these days I'll feel like myself again and then watch out! :)

The Henry Rollins Show

We caught the Henry Rollins Show on the Independent Film Channel this weekend.  That was excellent.  I really like Henry Rollins and his show is a great show.  He really is an honest guy.  I really like the way he sees the world the way it truly is.  He says what he thinks and he doesn't mince his words at all.  Very cool guy.  I like how he admits he's OCD as well.

So now that we know where to find Mr. Rollins' show, we have it set up on the PVR so we never miss it.  I love PVR's.  With all of the downtime I have, it's nice to have a PVR filled with interesting shows to watch.  I watch cooking shows like crazy and so I fill that sucker up with episodes of Good Eats, Chef at Home, Everyday Italian and many other great shows.  I learn at least one new thing with each and every cooking show I watch.  As a result, I am one damn fine cook (tooting my own horn!) :)  I wish I felt well enough to cook every day.

My husband is off at my brother's vet clinic today.  He's helping him set it up for the computers he'll need.  They're wiring the place up right now.  Then he's hopefully going to buy a shawarma in one of this city's 91 shawarma shops (more than even in Dearborn Michigan, home to the US's largest population of middle eastern folks).  The shop he will visit is owned by an Iranian couple who make the best food ever!  Out of this city's 91 shawarma shops, I'd say that this one is the best!  Of course I haven't tried them all, but I've tried a surprising number of them! 

Shawarmas are a perfect bed food!  You can eat a shawarma in bed without worrying about cutlery.  The only thing you need is a pile of napkins!  You know, it just occurred to me that I do just about everything in bed!  I use the laptop, I watch TV and movies, I listen to music, I sleep and I eat in bed.  I even have a TV tray for the bed.  Of course when I'm feeling well I do all of those things in the living room, except the sleep part!

Who are five people, living or dead that you would like to meet?  My list would be very diverse I think.  Henry Rollins would definitely be one of them.  I think the criteria would be that you'd meet them and have a good long meal with them where you got to ask them anything you wanted.  So you'd spend an evening with each person on your list and you could ask them whatever you wanted.  I'd like to meet George W. Bush and ask him why...but I don't think I'll waste one of my choices on him.  I don't imagine much would come from talking with Bush and so it would mostly be an act in frustration for me.  Let's see, Henry Rollins for sure.  Then I'd have to say Al Franken would be another one I'd really like to meet...but if I could only meet five, I'd have to be careful about who I would choose.

If I could meet and talk with anyone, alive or dead, I would definitely want to meet Jesus Christ.  I am not a religious person but I'd really like his take on what his Church has become.  I'd also like to get some clarification on a few hundred things he was supposed to have said!  I'd like to ask him if he still feels the way he did about things or if time has changed his mind about anything.  I mean the guy could have a lot of new views on stuff. 

Next in my lineup would be Winston Churchill.  That guy was good at everything.  He's one of my heroes as a result of that status.  I am not a conservative person, but Churchill vascillated between conservative and liberal.  He crossed the floor twice during his career and was known to be extremely progressive at times.  He loved his wife more than anything in the world and treated her like a queen.  The man made history...literally.  He was called "The Greatest Man Alive" during his lifetime and I don't suppose he's become any less great as time has passed.  He made many mistakes, and I didn't agree with all of his decisions, but he ran England like a true leader and he always believed in his causes or his convictions to the point where he would argue them vehemently into the night.  You have to respect someone like that.  What most people don't realize about Churchill was that he was a painter as well.  I have four of his paintings hanging in my living room.  He was very good at everything he did.  I admire perfection.

So let's see, Henry Rollins, Jesus Christ, Winston Churchill...I guess the next one would be Stephen King.  He seems like the type of person who would be very interesting to talk to.  He has the most creative imagination.  I think if I was going to spend an evening with Stephen King, I'd also want to have Anne Rice there.  I figure I could talk to them both.  Anne Rice once replied to an email I sent her and so I feel a connection to her that I don't feel towards Stephen King, but I really would like to talk to Stephen King so I think I'd have to invite them both!  I guess that's five right there.

What's funny is that I HAVE talked to Anne Rice and I could still email her and ask her anything I want...she's very open to talking to people.  I think it would only work if we were going to have a meal together.  Somehow it's just not the same to ask deep questions in an email!  My point in this exercise is that I'd really like to talk to some interesting people, but none of them are really celebrities like Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt.  I actually care very little about what those types of people think.  They think what their PR people tell them to think.  I dislike posers. 

Skin Deep

Well I read this month's issue of Skin Deep magazine.  That magazine is always teaching me new things.  I really like that.  One of the things I really liked about this month's issue was that it got me thinking about apprenticeships.  Namely, will I want to give any when I'm finally established as a tattooist?  I think that if I get that far I will owe it to the pool of common knowledge to give my learning and education to someone else if I can.  Of course I won't be at that point for a long time.  I'll worry about getting to a point where I can do it as a hobby before I ever worry about having apprentices...but it was good to think about.

My husband is fixing the closet door.  He's about 6'4" tall so he can easily manage to get those top "springy thingies" and fix them up.  He's having a bit of trouble with this one though.  I think it's sticking or something. 

Hey have you heard about this movie coming out in March called "Dead Silence" ...it looks extremely scary.  I think they took a list of all the things that freak me out and they made a movie out of it!  Ventriloquism really freaks me out and ventriloquist dolls are the living end of scary as far as I am concerned.  Creepy insane women running around with straight edge razors are pretty fucky too.  Really it only needs some huge spiders and I'm ready to curl up in the fetal position.  I have this weird fascination with scary movies.  I hate them.  But I love them!  I think the imagery they use in scary movies is sometimes some of the best and most beautiful cinematography they make...but man I can't stand the way I can't sleep for weeks after I see them!  I wish I could watch a scary movie without the scary things in it!  Like the empty sets would be really great!  Some "goth" I make!  Wuss. :)

I guess I like the "idea" of a scary movie, but when I watch them I get too scared.  I have a VERY vivid imagination.  It doesn't help that I'm on THC either.  So when I watch something like the Blair Witch, I get SO into it that I think it's like the scariest movie I've ever seen.  Other people are like "what the hell?"...not me.  I totally got the Blair Witch and I totally got terrified by it.  I also was completely freaked out by the Ring.  I know it didn't make sense and it wasn't well written, but man the story didn't need to make sense...it was scary as hell.  But I couldn't sleep until a full week had passed and I was "safe".  That's how crazy my imagination can get.  I love that I have this kind of brain, but it means that I can almost not watch horror movies and when I do watch them I wig myself out for like a week at least.  Lame!

Hey did you see what Britney Spears did today?  I usually don't care what she does, but today she shaved her head and got two tattoos.  Good for her.  I unfortunately don't think that in her case it's a "good" sign...in HER case I think it may be a bit of a cry for help, but nonetheless I applaud her new style.  Very chic.  I really like that look.  In fact, I've considered it myself a few times.  If I didn't have such a bad scalp I'd do it.

New Orleans state of mind

Today I'm thinking about New Orleans.  Mardi Gras is coming this Tuesday.  I miss that old city.  It's so ruined now.  But I don't even think about that part.  When I think about New Orleans, I'm thinking about how I felt when I was there.  I love the way a city like that makes you feel alive.

It's a city of hard edges and rough knocks but it's got such a wonderful feeling of freedom to it.  It's like all the rules of the rest of the world can just shove it at the door because New Orleans sets its own rules and the first one is "anything goes".  You can be anything, see anything and do anything you want in New Orleans.  You can be high-class and upscale or low-down and dirty...it's all there for you to try.  Whatever flavour suits you is there for the taking and there's always something to do.

I get this way every year at this time.  I went to New Orleans in 1998...long before I knew I was walking around with MS.  The fact is that even in New Orleans the symptoms were there...but it was long before they would become so bad that I knew something was wrong.  Anyway, I get nostalgic for MY New Orleans every year at Mardi Gras time.

Being raised in a Catholic family, I am acutely aware of Mardi Gras due to its proximity to Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent).  As a day on its own Mardi Gras or Shrove Tuesday (pancake Tuesday, Fat Tuesday) was never that big of a deal.  We'd eat pancakes for supper but that was about it.  It wasn't until my mother and I went to New Orleans for a trip together that we got to enjoy the true flavour of Mardi Gras.  Now I can honestly say that I wish the rest of the world would celebrate Mardi Gras the same way they do in New Orleans.  I don't consider myself a "Catholic" anymore, but I sure dig Mardi Gras and if we all celebrated it a little like they do in New Orleans, winter wouldn't be so boring all the time.

It seems that since my last visit to New Orleans, both the city and I have seen better days.  We've both been knocked around a bit and we've both got battle scars to heal...but I have a feeling that the next time we see each other it's goiing to be fantastic!  I can't wait to share New Orleans with my husband some day.  By that time, I hope that both New Orleans and I have recovered from our setbacks and that we can once again enjoy each other's company.  In the meantime I will spend every year at this time in silent vigil for the city that stole my heart.  Pass the oysters.

Pass the Kleenex

Today I feel like I'm drowning.  I'm having that much trouble breathing with this stupid flu.  Unreal.  I wish it would go away, but it seems to need to run its course.  I hope it doesn't drag on too much longer.

My husband had to go out to his training course.  He's being trained in a security "designation" that is accepted in the industry as being fairly important.  He's not enjoying all the reading he has to do.  He already has the know-how but he needs the letters after his name so that is where he is tonight.  He's not too happy about having to go to school when he's recovering from the flu.  Then when he gets home he's going to have to clear the driveway.  I feel bad that he can't just be sick like I can.  He has too many responsibilities and places he needs to go.  I remember when life was like that.  I can remember when I was taking Aerobics Instructor school, working full time and doing aerobics three nights a week.  I was busy all the time.  I felt like even when I was sick I wasn't allowed to be sick.  It's amazing to me how much that can pull you out of a sickness...or like make you horribly ill!  It seems to harden you one way or the other though.  I guess the other risk is that you can get pneumonia if you don't allow yourself the time to heal.  I hope he doesn't get worse because he hasn't healed properly.

My "Skin Deep" arrived today in the mail.  I am currently too tired to read it, but I did look at the photos!  There are some amazing tattoos being done at conventions all over Europe.  They don't have as big an acceptance of tattoos as North Americans do, so for them it's a little more taboo and a little more "fetishy" so the people who get tattoos in Europe tend to be more "fringe-based" and less average.  As a result, those who do get tattoos in Europe tend to be more flamboyant and more in your face about them.  It's an attention thing there, whereas here it's more of a tribal thing.  What I mean is that here nobody thinks twice about saying "Hey we should all go and get a team tattoo."  whereas in Europe it's more of a private, weird thing.  Teams might get tattoos in Europe, but they make a big deal out of it, whereas here it's just kind of normal.  I think that's the essence of what I'm getting at...in North America, tattoos are normal.  In Europe, they're not.

In fact, when I read Skin Deep, they almost envy Canadians (they specifically mention Canada) because Canadians have had access to such high quality tattooists for so long that most Canadians that get tattooed aren't afraid to go big.  They say that even more than Americans, Canadians know that a big tattoo looks a lot better over time.  They say that a lot of the so-called "American" style of tattoos were actually started by Canadian tattooists.  They say that North Americans in general are very lucky because tattoos are not as frowned upon here as they are in Europe. 

They say that something like 25% of all Americans are tattooed now.  That's even higher than in Canada.  If we started the trend, the Americans have definitely taken it to heart as their own and made something amazing out of it as an art form.  There are more tattooists in America than in any other country in the world.  The best tattooists in the world are found in the US.  So Skin Deep is like this little publication following the UK strain of a trend that's gone completely rampant in the US.  It makes it neat to read because it's a much smaller community in Europe and it feels a lot more like a club.  There are literally thousands of tattooists in the US and so it's not as much of a close-knit bunch.  In Europe there's like a couple hundred of them and that's it. 

Flu

My husband and I both have the flu.  We're both suffering the fever, chills, headache and aches and pains of a flu bug.  Neither one of us has been sick to our stomachs nor have we had the runs, so I guess we can be thankful for small miracles. 

It's snowing outside.  It's so beautiful.  We didn't get the huge snowfall that fell just about everywhere else in Ontario.  We have had a good steady snowfall and we may end up with about 20 cm all tolled, but it's nowhere near the snowfall that they're supposed to get in Montreal and Toronto.  We're lucky that way.  Instead of being buried in snow, we're just getting a healthy layer of snow that's going to make things look nice and bright and cheerful.  Nice.

You know what I'm looking forward to?  I am looking forward to getting my first tattoo machines.  I want to get some Time Machine tattoo machines...specifically the Flatline machine because I like the matte black finish.  When buying tattoo machines, you are best to start out with a liner and a shader.  Then from there you can get more specialized machines that have more needles in them...up to about 14 if I'm not mistaken.  You start out with a standard single needle liner and usually a triple needle shader.  From there you can add needles as you require them.  Different sizes of tattoos and different levels of detail require different numbers of needles depending on the results you want.  You would not use a shader to do fine lines and you would not try to use a liner to make shadows so it's important to have the right equipment for the right job.

I can't wait to start tattooing.  I think it's going to be so much fun.  I mean I know that I'll end up doing a lot of little stars and flowers and hearts, but that's okay...I like those things.  I think I'm going to have a hard time with large tattoos because of my MS tiring me out.  I expect I'll have to ask people to do multiple sessions for large tattoos, and that I'll be one of the few tattooists who actually enjoy smaller tattoos because they won't tire me out as much.  We'll see.  Obviously I'm going to enjoy the challenge of a large tattoo, and the freedom that a larger canvas will afford, but day in and day out I think I'll enjoy the "medium" sized tattoo best.  It will be large enough to really get into it, but not so large that I get tired out.  I can't wait.

It's actually the flu, not a cold.

I'm pretty sick today with a fever and chills...it's a flu not a cold.  The aches and pains are the big tip off...as is the fever. 

Anyway, given that I'm pretty ill, I'm just posting to say that I probably won't be posting.

I'm going to go crawl under a pile of blankets and curl up.

Wretched Sore Froaty

The cold has me too...I'm a day or two behind my husband, which is almost worse because I get to anticipate every horrible symptom as he lives through them.  However, I have not so far shown too many signs of getting sinus congestion, which is my most hated cold symptom.  He has been stuffed up like crazy and so I have to wonder if maybe we've contracted two different colds...that's my only hope!  Otherwise it's a horrible cold with horribly powerful symptoms and a fever...if that's what is headed my way I'm not going to be too happy. 

My froaty is very sore.  I like to call it a froaty because often I get a frog in my froaty and it sounds cute to say it that way!  It seems to make people laugh when I call my throat a froaty, and so I continue to do so, well into my late thirties.  I'm like one of those people like in that book I haven't read called "Rejuvenile"...I think it's about people who never grow up and continue well into their adulthood to behave like children.  It's a whole generational thing.  Never before has humanity had the luxury of being able to decide to stay young mentally as well as physcially.  I guess that's what the book is about, but I can't figure out if it's a good thing or not.  Like I said, I haven't read the book...it didn't have any pictures. :)

Maybe you've figured out that I've taken some morphine!  The sore throat was feeling too much like strep throat and since I don't have any penicillin but I do have morphine...well you see how laziness was a factor.  Besides, there's no point in getting penicillin unless you actually have an infection which I don't think I have yet.  It just hurts a lot.  So I took a short life morphine (as oppose to the long-acting stuff I also have) and that should allow me to fall asleep without too much problem. 

Of course tomorrow is a whole new day and we'll see how the fever and all of that goes by then.  I'm not going to worry about it for now...I'm more concerned with sleeping tonight.

Husband down for the count

My husband has the cold as do I...but he's much worse now than I am.  He's got a fever.  That's the absolute worst.  He's all achey and tired and gross.  Poor guy.  He's sleeping in the bedroom.  He's even too sick to play on his Xbox 360.  You know he's really sick when he can't even do that!

I can't believe how incredibly cold it's staying here.  Eastern Ontario has been in the deep freeze now for about two weeks.  It's supposed to be -25C (-13F) overnight PLUS the windchill factor.  That could drop it down to as low as -42C (-44F) which is crazy.  Especially since I'm going to have to walk the dog tonight.  My husband is far too sick to be walking the dog in this cold.  Like I said, he's got a fever.

I'm going to have to bundle up incredibly well to do the dog walk.  For one thing, I will have to borrow my husband's "Resolute" coat (Canada Goose).  It's one of those blaze orange parkas with the coyote fur collar and the pockets for heat packs.  I will put the heat packs in it tonight for sure.  I will also wear snow pants, mukluks and a bunch of layers of warm fleece and silk to keep me warm.  It's going to be crazy going out in this weather, especially with me and my stupid chills...at least we have one of those parkas though...I don't know what people do without them...I guess they just freeze.  We need to get me one though so that I can go out easier in this weather.  My husband's coat is way too big for me and so I have to sort of "fill it in" so I don't just freeze from the draft coming up from the bottom.

I get "rigours" as my doctor calls them.  They're severe chills that come with sudden temperature changes of even a small degree.  If there's a draft I can catch a chill on a good night.  What happens is that I feel cold, my lips turn blue and I start to convulse.  I literally go into a kind of seizure or convulsion that I cannot control.  It really hurts too.  It makes no sense that it hurts but it does, it really hurts my muscles and my skin.  It's like when I'm having the chill it's not the chill itself that's the problem, it's the sudden pain that makes it a problem.  It's not the fact that I'm cold that hurts, it's the fact that my body has sort of seized up and is all tense.  It hurts more than almost anything I've ever felt before and it continues until I warm up.  Needless to say I don't risk getting cold too often because it's too painful and scary for me.  Tonight I'll have to suck it up though and go out so my husband doesn't have to.  He's just too sick to go outside.

We missed out on the restaurant fajitas yesterday.  I'm still bitter about that!  I love Lone Star fajitas and the idea that we could have had our fill for free really bugs me.  But illness is not predictable.  I will say that it never fails that when it's something we want to do, illness is almost always the reason we can't.  We are probably unable to attend about 30% of the things we'd like to.  That is almost always because of my illness though...rarely because of his.  I feel really bad for him that he's sick and HE feels even worse.  He feels like he's letting me down because I may have to go outside with the dog.  So silly...I mean if it weren't for him I'd have to be out with the dog every night and I'd just have to figure it out wouldn't I.  So the fact that I have to take the dog out is no big deal, but he thinks it is because it's so cold out.  He doesn't want me to go outside in this weather.

Two days until Valentine's Day.  I need to get to a store and get a card.  I don't know how that's going to work either if he's sick.  I guess I could drive myself to the store, but that seems needlessly dangerous.  I'll figure it out.

Don't you hate Valentine's Day?  I have always hated it.  It's such a terrible day if you're single (believe me I've been single on MANY Valentine's Days) and if you're truly in love with someone it seems contrived and silly.  The only people who enjoy Valentine's Day are those who base the concept of how much someone loves them on how much you give them.  Do you really want to please someone like that?  I mean if you're making someone like that happy, you have to wonder what you're getting out of it.  Really nobody benefits from Valentine's Day except the extremely shallow and the flower industry.  It serves to give a little boost to the economy at a time when people are not naturally spending.  But aside from that it's really pretty ridiculous.  I mean my husband knows I love him without me having to run out and try to buy some romantic thing that exactly says how I'm feeling.  Crazy.  And I don't expect him to run out and buy me something totally wonderful just because someone says it's Valentine's Day.  It's a load of crap is what it is.  I mean isn't an anniversary more romantic and personal than Valentine's Day?  Why not use that day as your special day instead of allowing Hallmark to appoint a day for all of us in the middle of the coldest time of year!  

It IS a cold!

Well relief for me came today in the form of a new cold.  All the pains in my legs and knees can now be explained.  YAY!  Of course now I have a new cold to deal with, which totally stinks...that's cold number THREE this winter.  What's worse is that I was just getting over the last cold I had.  I've literally gone from one cold to the next since fall.  What's unusual for me was that I had a respite from the colds during Winter Solstice and the yuletide season.  That was the only time I didn't have a cold this year and usually I always have a cold during the holidays.  So having that break was really nice, and it would be great if this was the last cold of this winter for me, but if it isn't I won't be surprised.

With this cold I've got a stuffed nose, fever, chills, sore throat and cough.  The aches and pains are pretty annoying too.  I took extra THC last night because of the horrible headache I had as well.  Bleh.

My husband has the cold as well.  The two of us are supposed to go to a birthday thing at a local restaurant for a bunch of family members.  We're not going to be able to go and my mom is going to be super disappointed.  We're supposed to also use the opportunity to see my brother's new vet clinic which will be opening up soon.  Since we won't be able to go, it's going to be a big disappointment.  I suspect that my mom will bring me to the vet clinic at a later time, but unfortunately we'll miss the great fajitas at the Lone Star Cafe...that part has me really bummed out.  I love their fajitas...so salty and smokey.  I hope my mom doesn't give me grief over this but we really just aren't well enough to be in public and we're both contagious.  I won't do that to my family and I won't do that to myself.  Check out the guilt on me!

Well I'm going to go and take some Dimetapp...mmm...grapey elixir!  :)

Dénouement

Well now the "dénouement" of the day.  Time to unravel the day's events and fold them away.  My husband and I went to see my cousin and her husband tonight for snacks and beer.  We went after supper for a casual visit and had a great time.  I came home and now I'm blogging to sort of bring a finish to the day. 

The hardest part about being on THC (the main ingredient in pot) in large doses is that it has some negative long term effects.  One of those effects is that I tend to remember things in a distorted way.  When I experience a fun event, I then come home and remember it in a distorted way that shows that I am a little paranoid.  It's hard to describe what I mean and so I use an example.  I went out tonight, had a great time, didn't say anything stupid and didn't even have a single drink...but when I come home and think about the evening's events, I remember them as though I was this loud and embarrassing person to have around.  Instead just the opposite is true...my paranoia about behaving properly has actually made it so that I behave better than I would have years ago...but when I get into social situations my mind is always worried that I'll say something ridiculous or like make some embarrassing faux pas.

So THC has made me paranoid...and my husband assures me, also has made me quite funny sometimes.  He said that I'm doing a lot of "stereotypical stoner things" and that I say some of the most incredibly thoughtful things.  Being "stoned" all the time has also made me a lot more creative, which is nice. 

My cousin and I were talking and she said that creativity and madness are known to be linked.  That's more than a casual link too...they've done studies and done a lot of research (she's a mental health care professional) ...anyway, what she was saying is that being creative can put you very closely aligned with insanity...that there is actually a point at which someone's thoughts and ideas and creativity literally make them insane. 

The problem is that we don't all know the point at which we are clearly demented...instead it's a slow ride to insanity and you won't know it when you get there.  She was saying that the more creative a person gets the more "crazy" they can actually be.  We used this logic to explain a lot of the stress and anguish of being a truly creative individual.  Famous people who are ACTUALLY talented (not just propped up by record companies) are edging towards insanity.  Look at Jim Carrey...hilarious, but he's got a REAL dark edge to him.  Would it be hard for me to imagine him going crazy...not even a little.  The point is that the reason that so many talented musicians and artists commit suicide or like accidentally overdose is because creativity is their curse as well as their blessing.

When you're creative you think a lot more.  You have ideas.  You punch holes in current boundaries and you push the envelope...you try to take your art and your mind to new heights and the further you push things, the more creative you are...and the crazier you get.

So the reason I wonder about this is that I wonder if THC isn't slowly making me crazy.  I think it is. 

What's Yer Clan?

Artistic and maybe even a bit shallow, you belong to the clan of the Toredor. You have a keen eye for pretty things. The embrace is looked on as perserving all beautiful things for eternity. You are the sensual vampires that you hear people talk about that seduce to get what they want. This clan is the one thought of as being the spoiled sort who want to get what they want. However, you usually work right under the ventrue clan as they try to carry out their plans. What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

Which Simpsons Character are You?

Tubing

Last night we got caught up on the PVR and watched three episodes of Supernatural.  I love that show now.  When it first started out it was pretty hokey, but the writers have honed their characters a little and the main plot line is getting interesting.  I think that killing off the dad was the best thing for the storyline.  The special effects of that show are so incredible.  It truly is scary too.  Neither my husband nor I can watch it alone!

Last night I got a migraine.  I get them every month in coincidence with my period.  This month it's no different, even though I went off the birth control pill which was supposedly making them worse.  The migraine isn't as intense as it usually is, but it's still there.  Seems like if I'm going to get migraines no matter what I should just stay on the pill.  I'll see how it goes for one more month and then I'll decide.

So as I mentioned, I had a migraine last night and I have one today.  I took extra THC last night and that worked really well.  Tonight I'll have to take more...if not today.  The THC works so well on migraines that I can't imagine using any other medication...and I've tried them all...Ergomar, Maxalt and a whole slew of other drugs whose names I cannot remember.  THC is the only treatment I've ever found, aside from extreme doses of Tylenol 3 that would remove the pain.  Tylenol 3 is the worst thing you can take for a migraine.  My neurologist explained that codeine specifically is really bad because it changes the way your brain synapses work on pain...it makes it so that codeine is the only thing that will work on pain for you, even when other drugs would work better, the codeine changes your brain so it's the only thing that will work.  My neurologist said that codeine is the one drug he wishes he could take off the counter from all pharmacies because so many people are dependant on it and don't even realize it.  They won't understand why morphine or percocet won't work for them and it's because they've been taking codeine for years.  So be warned, don't use codeine for headaches...if normal Tylenol won't fix a headache, try non-medicinal methods like ice-packs or cold compresses.  I find a hot bath sometimes helps with a headache.  Oh, or here's a good one...try smoking a spliff.  Pot is much less damaging to the brain than codeine and my neurologist says it's much safer overall for patient health.  So there you go.  If you have bad headaches, try pot and if it doesn't work, go see your doctor.

Quiet day

Well it's another quiet winter day.  I love this season.  I would freak out if winter didn't happen.  Climate change has me completely freaked out.  I really hope we do something about it soon.

I got a notice today from the dentist's office saying they hadn't seen me in a while.  It's true.  And the worst part is that I HAVE dental coverage.  I don't have to pay a cent for the visit.  I just hate the whole rigamorole of getting there and so on.  I decided to call them and book the day off for a day when my husband and I would have something to celebrate.  I decided to wait for March 21 to see them.  March 21 is the Vernal Equinox (first day of Spring) and I think we'll want to celebrate.  Usually that day there is a snowstorm but let's hope that's not the case this year.  We're going to celebrate by having a nice meal somewhere for lunch I think.  The best part is that we'll get to hang out together for the day...even if I do have to get my teeth done first.  He has to drive me to all of my doctor appointments and such because I'm on a boatload of THC, which doesn't make it safe for me to drive.  I mean I "can" drive but it's not a good idea because THC reduces your reaction time, but more importantly it is considered an intoxicant and if I was in an accident (even if it wasn't my fault) and they tested for THC, I'd test positive and they'd be able to say it was my fault because I was inebriated.  I don't want to create a situation where that ever becomes an issue.  My husband doesn't mind taking the time off...I actually think he likes having a day off work every so often so that he can get some stuff done, so as long as he has plenty of time to notify them at work, he's fine. 

Once I have my teeth done, I should actually go for an eye appointment too.  It's been about 8 years I think since I've gone to the optometrist for a visit.  I would expect that my eyes are fine, but it would be nice to have a current check-up on file so I can finally get a pair of pink contact lenses!  I have blue, green, yellow and I'd like to get black, lavender and pink as well as a new green pair that's more luminescent.  I love contact lenses.  When I was working I used to change my lenses all the time.  I told people it was like having jewelry for my eyes.  The funny part is that I don't need glasses, and so my contact lenses were all just cosmetic to change my eye colour.  I always found brown eyes kind of boring, so I liked to jazz them up a bit.  Anyway it would be good to be able to give my optometrist's info and know that my optometrist will tell them what they need to know so I can get my contacts.  Theatrical contact lenses are one of my favourite accessories!  I know, what a freak.

My Richard Tate flash art came yesterday.  I bought it from Tattoo Johnny (www.tattoojohnny.com) and it arrived by Fedex prepaid (which means no nasty brokerage fees) in great shape.  The artwork is gorgeous.  I'm going to get one of the little demon girls on my butt.  She's not wearing clothes so I'll put her where she won't show unless I'm naked too!  If someone can see my butt, they probably don't mind that they can see her tits :)

My husband is planning out his tattoos and he wants to do an arm of "good" and an arm of "evil".  He's got some small "Good" and "Evil" pin-up girls that he'd like to put on his forearms...both by Richard Tate as well.  He's also got an image from Frank Kozic that he'd like on his "evil" arm.  I have a feeling that the "evil" arm will fill up faster than the "good" arm!  Just a sneaking suspicion I have :) Maybe if he uses larger "good" images then he won't have to come up with as many to fill it up.  We'll see.  I'm going to help him plan them out, but really it's very personal.  He needs to see the image that really strikes him and he feels connected to.  That's really only something he can decide.  However, once he has an image in his mind, I can help him place it or I can help modify it if it needs modification. 

As I find tattoos I think I want, I buy the flash and save it.  It's going to take me a while to get the artwork together that I want, but I'm going to manage over time.  I also don't limit myself to just taking the flash ideas.  I mean I can get images from almost anywhere...but I like to take flash images of elements I like and combine them to form whole new artwork.  So for example, I'm going to make a back piece of a sword and shield, but I have a very specific idea in mind.  I've seen some pretty good elements that I think I can copy into a larger tattoo.  I'll get the tattoos and then I'll print them out as large as I can and trace the images onto a whole new piece of paper so they can form a new tattoo entirely.  It will sort of be a patchwork quilt with some of my own handiwork and all of my design ideas.  It's like using clipart to make a composition.  I take a shield from here, a sword from there and then draw in some flowers and vines and voila a personal tattoo drawn from elements of other artists.  That is the essence of what most tattooists actually do when making artwork.  Sometimes you have to completely redraw the whole thing, but more often than not tracing is all that's really required.

Anyway, as I was saying, I buy the flash and save it and I plan on getting the images put on me as I've allowed the ideas to "settle" and that I still love them just as much.  I never want to ever live to regret a single tattoo on my body and the best way to do that is to take my time with each one.  Plan, envision and then plan again.  I want to have the whole overall look of my tattoos be "cohesive"...in other words, if you saw me buck naked you'd see all my tattoos and think that they all work together.  That's my goal.  In order to end up with a body that looks decorated instead of "patchwork quilted" I want to make sure that my tattoos flow with each other and don't obscure my body's actual beauty.  I may be very controversial in the tattoo industry because I don't believe the everyone should sport a full skin suit.  I actually think that the human body is beautiful as it is and so the tattoos we get should always enhance the body by accenting its muscle structure and drawing the eye away from so-called "flaws".  I don't want to cover someone up completely though, I want to see them emerge from their own skin...in new and colourful ways!  Wow, I sound stoned don't I.

My point is just that I want my own personal canvas to look really amazing and I don't really need to have my whole body covered completely with ink.  I want to adorn it with stuff that suits me and that works with my body.  My back piece will look sort of like gothic art and my arms and legs are mostly going to have accents on the feet and calves of flowers and butterflies done in black and grey with romantic scrollwork.  My shoulders will have some art, but I won't be putting ink near my boobs!  I don't want to have my neck area covered with any ink because that is the MOST beautiful part of a woman's body.  That particular spot is considered to be the most classically beautiful area of most women's whole bodies and since that is the case it would be wrong of me to think I could improve upon it.  I feel the same way about lip piercing.  Human lips are (in my opinion) so beautiful all on their own that when people pierce them I always feel like they've actually made their lips look damaged somehow.  I like piercings, but I really hate seeing a pierced lip.  Some things are not "improvable".

What Hideous Monster Are You?