TGIF!
09.29.06 (12:13 pm) [edit]It's funny even writing "TGIF"...I haven't worked in a while so TGIF doesn't mean much to me, but it does mean that my husband has two days off and that's a good thing! He's been taking pretty good care of me since I got this cold and I really hope I am feeling a little better this weekend so I don't spend my whole time in bed. He's also not very productive when I'm not around to "suggest&quo t; that he clean up! The house is probably a little bit dirty, I haven't felt well enough to notice.
I finished my "Big Book of Witchcraft" and enjoyed it thoroughly. I have to admit though that there's a lot more 'witchcraft' in my every day life than I realized! The thing that I took away from the book was that it said that you don't have to be a witch to perform magick and you shouldn't become a witch unless you want to worship the deities...the Goddess and the God. I'm not into gods and goddesses, as I've explained before, because they simply were created by man to explain stuff he couldn't wrap his brain around. I can wrap my brain around the concepts of science and so I really only have an interest in learning about stuff that actually still pertains to the magick elements of witchcraft. But the book is really great at pointing you to the tools and tips that you need to perform some amazing healing magick. That is the part that interests me. I want to be able to heal others. The Catholic Church always taught to give your magick power to the priest and allow him to work healing magick but the principles of witchcraft actually teach that healing energy is more effective if it comes directly from the person and goes into the person they're healing. By giving over the group's energy to the priest in church, the congregation is actually weakening their own will in the magick and they no longer get to control its purpose. It is far more effective for me to heal my friend than for me to give my energy to a priest and then get him to heal my friend. Of course what's most effective is to get a doctor to heal my friend, but I do believe that healing energies work for different things. They've proven that prayer is effective because of this principle, so doing healing work with energy is not at all far-fetched. This is the element of "witchcraft" that I want to learn. As far as the book goes, it really gives you an overview of EVERYTHING you might wonder about witches. I wish more people would read this book so they'd get a better idea of what it's all about. Of course many will be surprised by the naked dancing elements of witchcraft, but it's all harmless and in good fun. I guess not everyone does that part, but I've always thought a certain amount of naked time every week was important to the human psyche!
The thing I thought was so great about this book was that it really told me that even though my belief system is closest to "Druid", m y INTERESTS are very witchy! I would easily be mistaken as a witch in my little shop that I dream of owning! I can hear the little kids saying it now..."Are you a WITCH??" My answer: "Nope, I'm a druid who's interested in witchcraft." They'd be like "huh?" I think that I'm still correct in calling my belief system "new age". I think that it encompasses my lack of diety interest. Because even the Druids believed in the gods...they believed in Celtic gods who were quite similar to the Norse Gods (probably because of some cultural overlapping). I find that part all charming and quaint, but if you think I'm going to prone my ass in front of a statue of a horned god of fertility...well let's just say it ain't happening! In that way I believe my belief system falls in line with the Temple of the Vampire...in that I won't have gods above me. In my case it's probably just arrogance! Hee-hee! All I'm saying is that it's a mish-mash of mostly pagan beliefs interlaced over a thick Catholic upbringing which I try to ignore but can't completely dismiss because it is almost ingrained in my tissue at times. I believe in the Force too, so maybe I'm a Jedi! :)
The good news is that I'm learning so much about history and different cultures. I love it! Opening up my mind a bit more has been fun. Now I'm going to learn Astrology. Yup, instead of being a Gemini, I'll be a Gemini with something rising and some house doing something! I can't wait to learn that system. I hope I CAN. What I mean is that it's a bit complex looking. I've ordered a book and a CD so that I can learn it all, but I hope that it's not beyond what my little MS-afflicted brain can manage. I mean learning healing energy techniques is one thing, but memorizing the star map might be a little harder. I want to learn Tarot, Astrology and Palmistry. I was already doing some herb work, but not anything too serious, just some chamomile and parsley and stuff. I am going to buy a book about crystals so I can use the right ones in my dream catchers. I also have a book on tasseography...it's pretty easy to read tea leaves...but it takes practice as well to get good at it. All of this is kind of fun and should make for some entertainment as well, but I will over time learn to do more and more divination until it's no longer just a parlour game. That's the plan at least.
Why? Because I have the time and if you would have asked me years ago what I would do with my time if I was at home all day, my answer would have been "Learn about other religions/cultures and learn some of the divination arts." I mean I can't exactly take a course on something at college (but I wish I could)...if I could I'd go into Reiki healing for sure, but I can't because my fatigue levels are through the roof. If I want to learn anything now it has to be something I can pick up by reading. Incidentally I do plan on learning Reiki healing even without the course, (by reading a book) but it's not going to allow me to claim to be a "certified Reiki healer" but it will allow me to do my own healings on myself. So that's why I am suddenly having all this interest in stuff...it all started with the Tarot cards though. They always say that when you start using Tarot cards strange things start happening...it seems to be true too.
The rain has kept up and the pond is full now. This year we got a lot of pond scum. It's not the yucky kind though, this stuff is like little round leaves floating on the water. The whole surface of the pond has been covered though so it's like a green carpet across the water. When the frogs swim up through the pond scum they come up covered in little round green leaves. They're bright green too, not a gross colour at all. I think the pond looks neat, but I hope that next year we have a little less pond scum! I don't think the ducks and geese will like the pond as much if it stays so green. I suspect that the fact that there is so much is an indication of just how much fertilizer our neighbours are using. I know that the excessive levels of pond scum can't be maintained so eventually, even if it's green for a few years, eventually it will settle down to a normal level, unless the neighbours keep pumping out the fertilizer.
Okay and I have a beef with people taking down every dead tree on their lawn. I mean sure in suburbia it's pretty much a must, but here in the country people should be leaving them up longer for the northern flickers and woodpeckers to use. Also squirrels and chipmunks and raccoons use the trees as nests. Dead trees are only dead from the point of view that the tree itself will no longer grow, but the tree is still very much alive in its usefulness...plus if you catch a photo of a crow sitting on one it makes an awesome picture! The bugs in dead trees are extremely important to Northern Flickers. They're a member of the woodpecker family that cannot dig holes in living trees like a true woodpecker...so they can only dig in dead trees. Because of the fact that everyone takes down their dead trees, these birds are losing habitat. As a result, we have TONS of them on our property because of the trees we leave up. I mean obviously we remove them if they're dead and right near the house, because they're a danger, but the rest? Only when they fall over and even then only if they're in the way.
That's better!
09.28.06 (11:35 am) [edit]It's pouring outside! It really makes me feel a lot better to be inside and miserable with a cold today than to be inside and miserable with a cold on a nice sunny day! Yesterday was nasty because it was gorgeous outside and I felt like my head was underwater. Today I feel like I'm drowning and it's raining...so that seems more appropriate somehow! I like it when the weather matches my mood! :)
Weeeeeee....just a bit dizzy. I'm also sweating a fair bit too. Bleh. The good news is that I so far (touch wood) have not lost the use of my nose for breathing. I can still pull air through my nose and that's a huge advantage. A cold is so much more miserable when you have to breathe through your mouth. That's my thing anyway. I can suffer through a sore froaty and a fever as long as I don't have snot running down my face in an uncontrollable fountain. It just makes me feel like some disgusting loser when I can't control my own fluids!
I didn't feel well enough last night to read so I just kind of took it easy and watched a bit of TV. I have no idea what though...maybe something on the cartoon channel. I can't even watch US news anymore because George Bush boils my blood. Every time I see his face I think "Man Alive, I hate that dude!" I never knew a single sitting president could screw up the whole planet so horribly badly in just a few short years. He shouldn't be allowed to touch anything. I sincerely hope that the Americans remove his cronies from office this November and at the very least tie that man's hands with some democratic balance. It's horrible that I should have to care so much about another country's sitting leader, especially that of an ally, but holy crap he's making a HUGE mess of things. I don't even know how long it will be before the messes he's made will be fixed, if ever. Normally as a Canadian we watch American news because it's sort of entertaining and sad to see how they report "news" but also because we need to keep a casual eye on our southern allies. Now we watch because we have to, our economy is intrinsically linked to theirs and they're screwing things up BADLY. In fact I have to stop right there or I will end up in another rant. Suffice it to say that George Bush is the worst president ever...and that includes Nixon. The best US president to ever sit was Carter. The Americans hated him but he was actually the most respected (internationally) president ever. The second best president ever was JFK and the third was Clinton. All three garnered as much love and respect abroad as they did at home. That was part of what kept the American image alive around the world of a moderate, freedom-loving people...perhaps a bit naiive about foreign affairs, but nice people. Now it's like you don't even want to GO to the states. Literally Canadians won't go because if you even go across as a stopover you are given the terrorist treatment at the border. They detained one Canadian a couple weeks ago for hours while they stripped him and tore apart his luggage. The plane had to make an unscheduled stop for fuel in Chicago and the poor bastard happened to be "randomly selected" for further scrutiny. I bet he was beige in colour.
So yeah, I can't watch the news lately...not the American news anyway. I can watch Canadian news, but even our news has become polluted with the speeches and foibles of the Bush Gang...like a train wreck you can't stop watching. I'm really looking forward to watching in November on election night for the US. I cannot wait to see that bastard's wings clipped by the American people...unless of course this one is fixed too.
Snotty Face!
09.27.06 (2:19 pm) [edit]I am so congested and my froaty is sore. *cough* I am not amused because it's gorgeous and warm outside and normally I'd be out on the front lawn meditating or just watching the birds and deer go by, but instead I must recuperate and lie in bed. I am still doing a lot of reading because of this illness though. I am currently reading Raymond Buckland's Big Book of Witchcraft. Pretty cool book so far. Witchcraft doesn't feel exactly right to me either. None of these religions really "fit" me except Druidry, and only if you sort of blend it a bit with witchcraft. I guess it's a true pagan flavour but to say I'm a Witch would be completely incorrect. I think my paganism can actually fall into that horrible nebulous known as "New Age" -GAWD! It's a wishy-washy blend of Christian roots (my Catholic upbringing) combined with Wicca, Druidry and probably a fair dose of Buddhism (I don't know because I haven't learned that one yet!)
All of this is just my search for answers. I read each religion's literature and decide if the beliefs fit with mine. So far none are exactly right. The closest is Druidry but even with that I have this annoying problem with deities and worrying about mythology. I like hearing the stories associated with deities and gods, but I don't "believe" in them any more than I believe in the Christian saints as really being more than people who stood up for their faiths. In fact some of them were really awful people! So I guess what I'm saying is that there is no religion that covers my spiritual beliefs, but all of them have some elements of what I believe in.
The fact is that ALL religions are at the root, the same. They all teach morals, they all teach about an afterlife (or in the case of the Church of Satan, no afterlife) but they all ADDRESS the issue of an afterlife. They all praise achievements that seem morally sound and they all admonish the hurting of others. Another thing they all seem to have in common is "worship" of something other than the self. Except of course for the Church of Satan who preaches to ONLY worship the self. What I'm looking for is a religion that is based in a love of nature, but also has an element of reincarnation. I don't want to worship the moon or the sun or the god Pan or the god GOD or anyone else for that matter. I want a religion that preaches that ALL life is created equally (more or less...mosquitoes don't count!) and that the afterlife consists of being born again into a new body as a new person with possible memories from past lives, but more often than not with only a limited memory of our experiences in the other world. I believe that creatures like Dragons and Angels are actually "creatures" from other dimensions or worlds that we "see" when we cross over. We bring the memory of those mythical creatures into our next lives and that's why there's a sort of universal recognition of certain characters in almost every culture. For example, the vampire is a creature who can be recognized in almost every culture in almost every language on earth. Another example, the dragon. These creatures never seem to have really existed here on earth, and yet the human mind seems to recognize them immediately. Could they exist in a different reality? In some other dimension on some other planet, if we are reborn we may actually see those things...unicorns, dragons, gryffons. All of these creatures might exist on other planets or in other dimensions. They may in fact be "real" but they simply don't exist on THIS planet. We may carry the memory of these things in our communal consciousness and as such we are able to "imagine" them here when we become corporeal again. Sort of a lingering memory of something we once knew. That's why some people remember past lives and others do not. Some people have had more of them and some people have more of a need to remember them. I think that for most people it complicates things if they remember two lives. We keep those we love around us in every incarnation but sometimes they're our mothers, or sisters and other times they're our brothers or fathers or husbands or whatever. Sort of like that book Stephen King did...the Regulators. He did the book Desperation at the same time and they used the same characters but in different roles. Desperation was the way scarier of the two, but that's not the point! I think we choose the time of our rebirth and we choose the way we are reborn and I believe that we forget all of that while we are living. We do all of this so that we can experience everything we possibly can in this world. We live out the lifetime of every single experience and when we are experienced enough, we are said to be "enlightened" and from there we move on to a new plain of existence....which might be equivalent to "heaven" but is probably just a new level somewhere else.
So that sort of sounds like Buddhism but Buddhism does not teach an evolution or gradual hierarchy of reincarnation. It also teaches that we continue to recycle without any particular order or "reward" system. We experience every life and we reach enlightenment and move on to Nirvana, but I don't think they teach it as a reward or punishment...more like karma. Western minds have a hard time with the concept of karma and often believe it mistakenly to mean "punishment" or "reward". It's not really either of those things. The main concept of karma is Balance. That the lifetime we end up with is balanced within the scope of all of our lifetimes. That THIS particular incarnation may not be wonderful, but it is balanced when viewed within the scope of ALL of our lifetimes. We will see this better once we are actually "dead" again. I believe that firmly. But Buddhism teaches that you should not eat animals because to do so is a disrespect for life. That's a pretty big pill for me to swallow. I really LIKE eating animals from time to time and also believe that we were supposed to eat fish. I see us as not being excluded from the food chain, I see us as not being "above" other animals so much as being one of them, but with a bigger brain that gets us into all kinds of trouble. I think we're supposed to eat some meat but that we're supposed to eat a lot less of everything we do eat. I think our stomachs have evolved to a gross size. I think that we were meant to eat fish because it has everything our bodies need. I wouldn't be a good Buddhist because I don't see us as being above other animals and I don't see us as needing to refrain from occasionally eating another animal.
The problem I have with most religions oddly enough is that I don't really want to pick one and prefer to learn from all of them. I really don't care to memorize ANY religion's mythos either...the names of all the gods or the proper ways to honor them. That really doesn't interest me. I don't see myself as "beneath" any other god or entity. I'm not above them either. I just think that these stories are made up as a way to explain things that science has since debunked. So the gods were made up to explain events in nature that defied explanation at the time. Do you think that if the earliest humans had known what the moon REALLY was that they would have assigned so much importance to it? I don't think so. It's a barren rock floating off to the side of the planet. It has all sorts of pull on the planet, but it is not a god. Early humans believed it was a god. So if we could have explained it to them in scientific terms and they could have understood it, do you think they would have gone on and on about it as much? Nah. I don't think so. So as science explains away a lot of these "gods" I just think we'll laugh (as a race) when we finally figure it all out! We'll be like "Hey remember how we thought the universe was infinite! Man were we primitive!" So science has been the thing I cling to and though I do believe in reincarnation, it is because of science that I do. I see that the universe recycles EVERYTHING and so the soul or that spark of consciousness must be recycled too. I think that a lifetime's work is not "forgotten" when someone dies but rather it is transferred to the next person in the form of inspirations or ideas or distant memories. I believe that ghosts are remnants of consciousness that get stuck here and continue to look for the next incarnation. They have lost their way because of some event that prevents them from being able to let go of their last lifetime. I believe that ghosts in a large part are the proof that there is an afterlife and that it's pretty similar to what we already have in this life. How else would ghosts be able to get trapped here? The other thing we see is that ghosts are often not "bad" or "good"...they're the same as they were in life. That's a pretty good indication that there are just as many "bad" people in the afterlife as there are in the life! If that's true then the afterlife is really not that different from our current life is it...maybe it's just a different dimension?
So I read books about each religion looking for the answers to some pretty big questions...but they're answers that are going to mean different things to different people. I am going to draw importance from different ideologies than someone else would draw. I'm going to see connections in other places too. The whole thing is incredibly fascinating though. It's really amazing to learn what the rest of the world believes. When you get right down to it, the people who believe in the crazy Christian stuff are relatively small when compared with those who DON'T. And when you look at what everyone else is believing you start to understand why Christians seem so ignorant and so clued out. They aren't in touch with the movement of the planets, they aren't in touch with the planet's natural flow and so they destroy without understanding and don't understand what all the hubub is about. It is pretty much the way that the so called "Christian Right" behaves. And then they act like "What do you mean? Why are you so upset?" Get with the program.
Bass the Kweenex!
09.26.06 (12:50 pm) [edit]My face is all full of phlegm (did I spell that correctly?) and I'm coughing a little, but mostly my bones are aching and I'm so tired! My cold is really bad and this morning I woke up with a bladder infection! I guess it's part of the cold. So now I have to drink cranberry juice to fix up my bladder. It's like when I get sick I get so sick it's hard to know what to do! But I've been doing a lot of reading so that's good!
I was reading a book called "The Craft" and I have another one that I'm into that's basically the "bible" of modern witchcraft. I'm looking forward to getting more into this one but so far it's pretty much what I expected. It's nice to see it written out though and read the history of witchcraft. I look forward to eventually reading the Q'uran, some stuff on Buddhism and many other books on different religious cultures. I think that if you have a basic understanding of pretty much every faith, you then understand where they're coming from a little better. I for one don't understand ANY organized religion but I do seem to have an interest in Wicca, Buddhism and Druidry; earth-based religions. The Church of Satan doesn't interest me because I do actually believe in an afterlife, which goes against the number one rule of the Church of Satan. I believe in reincarnation and recycling of the human spirit back into the world we live. I believe that some people reach a state of enlightenment in this lifetime and that is what makes them so peaceful. I believe that miracles happen but not as a result of divine intervention so much as a result of will. I believe the power of the human subconscious is a lot more intense than we realize. I think that prayer and spell-casting are basically the same thing. The intent is there in both cases to do something positive usually for someone else but often to help ourselves as well.
My husband is just getting over this cold...the one that I'm just about to get into full-force. This morning after I went to the bathroom and had the horrible cramping that comes from a bladder infection I proceeded to have a huge chill (rigor) and my lips went blue. Then I was almost in convulsions but managed to get back into bed and get warmed up. Apparently this cold has made my blood pressure drop. My husband had to do this whole warming sequence to get me back to room temperature! These chills are a bit of an issue for me as the cooler weather settles in. If there's a sudden change in temperatures I get these uncontrollable convulsions that are chills but in almost a siezure format. They are completely uncontrollable and can happen just from opening the front door on a cold day. It's really embarrassing too when I get them in public or near friends. They just look at me like "Holy crap is she dying?" It sucks. It's almost a full-blown seisure but my doctor says they're harmless...just my body trying to figure out this cannabis stuff. It's really odd though and it means that when we go out for dinner (as we did this past weekend) I'm now forced to wear winter coats even though it's only fall. My friends were a little daft and said "You're wearing such a warm coat?" I re-explained about the cold and chills and the severe reaction I get and they said "Well what will you wear in the winter?" Good question. So far it's my sheepskin coat, my down-filled parka or the second-hand muskrat fur coat my husband bought me (it's stenciled to look like ocelot) all of which are pretty good to keep me warm up until about Christmas, but once the deep freeze weather arrives I simply cannot go outside. That part is weird for me. It's the same with going swimming. I can no longer submerge myself at the cottage unless it's absolutely boiling outside because to do so causes my lips to go blue and my chill to kick in violently (I know this from experience). It sucks because I love to swim and now I feel like I can't do it unless it's literally sweltering hot out.
By the way, I wouldn't let my husband buy me a new fur. He wanted to in order that I could stay warm, but I won't be a party to the murder of animals. I told him that the only fur coat I would accept would be a used one; one that has already been worn by someone else and no longer is being enjoyed. I figure that the animals that died would approve of my using their hides to keep me warm so long as I didn't create NEW demand for fur. It's a fine line of logic I know, but I'm not getting a fur to look good (though this one is very nice)...I actually do need it to keep warm. I wear two or three blankets around the house in the winter and am still cold, so the fur coat was kind of a neccessity. The good news is that because it's stencilled to look like ocelot, it kind of looks like a fake fur coat. That's what I'm hoping people will think. The truth is that I can't stay warm enough in the winter without these animal products: fur, down and sheepskin. I feel like a big viking when I wear these clothes too because they're very bulky, but I simply cannot go outside if I don't. In our own house I wear wool and then fleece on top and I've got layering down to a science!
Well I'm going to go collapse in the bedroom with my book.
Rhinovirus
09.25.06 (11:53 am) [edit]Well I've contracted a cold. I have been dealing with it all week but now I have that "drip" in the back of the throat that makes everything all gross and gacky. I expect that by tomorrow I'll be all stuffed up. Makes the MS much more prominent...or the MS makes the cold much more prominent...I'm not quite sure how that works. Either way having MS complicates a cold.
I'm now reading a new Tarot book called "Tarot of the Saints". In an attempt to not judge churchy types I have made it my goal to allow some Christian themed Tarot cards into my life. I also have Buddhist tarot cards coming to me soon too. I like to see the Tarot interpreted many different ways to really get the full meanings of the symbols and the cards and to see how different people interpret the archetypes. By reading this book I'm learning a LOT about the Tarot because the first 20 pages or so is devoted to a serious historical account of the Tarot and where it evolved from. The first 20 pages of the book are worth the price of the cards/book. It's nice to finally see someone who has done the research firsthand and can honestly say that THIS is where the Tarot deck evolved from. The word Tarot, attributed usually to the French was actually the name of a river in Italy where the first priinting presses were run (using the power from the river). Tarot cards were literally "cards made by the taro river". And Italy was definitely the home of the first Tarot cards. All this crap about Egyptian stuff is bunk. Mostly it came out of the idea that "Gypsies" (believed to be of Egyptian descent because of their greek based knowlege) brought the cards to Italy and France after having purchased or traded for them in Arabic centres. So the cards ORIGINALLY came from Turkey and the Middle East but were adapted and interpreted for Italy and France and they are credited with having the first real tarot decks (because the cards that the Turks were making were for playing cards). So even though playing cards originated in the middle east and specifically China (the first place to make paper) the use of Tarot cards for divination was not seen until later...in Italy. The man who commissioned one of the first decks of Tarot cards was hanged for high treason upside down because he used them for divination. Gee can you guess that he was pagan. It went against the law of Rome for people to practice divination...even back then "witchcraft" was very frowned upon.
Just another example of the man keeping pagans down. :) Sorry I just notice that the winners got to write the history books. "Witches" have been cast the same lot in life as "Gypsies" (Hungarians who were nomadic because their land was swiped from them by the Romanians)...the Romanians kicked them off their land and then to add insult to injury, called them "Gypsies" and made up horrible stories about their habits...that they were godless, lawless and evil. Same thing with witches. Not only were they persecuted and murdered, the final insult is that in writing history the Christians have succeeded in creating the "Witch" as a symbol of evil. The truth is that witches don't do anything that harms anyone. I don't see the Christians being able to make the same claims. Inquisitions and crusades have long been a tradition of the Christian faith. A truly barbaric and unispired lot of brutes is what they were. Much like the Christians we see today in the news. Hitler was a Christian. He was very tidy and liked things to be "just so"; a trait you will see in a lot of control freaks. He wanted his world to be a certain way and went to great lengths to do it. That seems to be the hallmark of Christianity...not so much the "love they neighbour" thing; more often it's the idea that they're control freaks who can't stand it if even one small piece of their world doesn't fit right. These are the people who would behead their own children (usually daughters) if they converted to a different religion. Things really haven't changed have they. These are the people who disown their daughters in their times of need...say unwanted pregnancies even to this day. Pride is the sin of ALL Christians and they cannot escape it because their organization is arranged into heirarchical structures that demand comparison and conformity. The Church "preaches" forgiveness but teaches "judgement" by example. The Church preaches love and respect but does not open a dialogue with its membership on issues of real importance that are relevant today. It says we should love and respect others but teaches an unforgiving and rigid set of male-oriented rules that only serve to teach women to be subserviant and quiet and which also create rigid stipulations on love...conditions whereby it's okay NOT to love even your own children, if for example they were to change religions. Isn't that how cults work?
I have a real problem with Christianity as a whole because of its violent and exclusionary tendencies...I mean let's face it, nobody is really good enough to be "Christian" according to the laws of the bible...I mean it contradicts itself in several locations. Nobody can be perfect at all that stuff so everyone has to "keep up appearances" instead. The whole basis for the religion is flawed if nobody except pedophiles are good enough for god. It puts the bar way too high for "real" people to reach. Because that is the design of the religion, everyone is made to feel inadequate. With all these feelings of inadequacy running rampant it's no wonder that Christians are some of the most industrious and hard-working people in the world. They're never good enough so they have to keep working harder and aren't allowed to think about temptations and no sex except to make kids and no enjoyment of life except to celebrate god...wow, it's no wonder these people are so repressed they sometimes turn into psychotic control freaks. If any little thing goes wrong in their world they freak out. "What will the other Christians think??" AAAAH! Yeah, organized religion blows.
So I am studying the Tarot of the Saints to try and remember that it's not all bad! There are some very redeeming stories (most of which were made up by the way) about saints that are really great fables to demonstrate a life well-lived (not always the case!) In the case of Joan of Arc for example, she really was a lunatic. She went mad when her family was killed by the barbarians. She was a great warrior but if you look at her claims to fame, she was most definitely a madwoman. She makes a great archetype for the Tarot because she is a warrior and she's a woman and she fought for her faith. That makes her perfect for the Queen of Swords...a woman of independence, strength and the power of words (Joan of Arc was purported to be able to talk directly with god)...a perfect Queen of Swords. So I'm learning that there is value in even the old Christian stories. The interesting part of the book is definitely the way it gives a really clear history of how the religions of the world and people of the world affected and changed the Tarot and how it has become a really great representation of the symbology of all religions. Funny that Christians have all but outlawed Tarot card readings. It's funny because they were amongst the first users of Tarot cards.
Doctors and things
09.22.06 (12:52 pm) [edit]Well yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. It was just a check-up with my gp, but it provided the perfect excuse for my husband to take the day off work and escort me.
I can drive, but if I get into an accident and they find out that I take cannabinoids in massive quantities, well you can imagine what your insurance company would do if they found out that you have to be drunk all the time...it's sort of the same thing. It's like nobody is going to tell me I can't drive, but if I DO drive and get into an accident, even if it's the other person's fault, the cop can then say that I'm partially to blame because I'm "high". My blood/thc content would be very high and so I'd show up as being "wasted". I'm not wasted because I am USED to that amount in my blood but I'd have to fight that tooth and nail in court. Really, why would I want to do that when I can use my inability to drive as an excuse to spend an afternoon with my husband? So I can drive but it's probably better that I don't and so my husband drives me to doctor's appointments and yesterday was no different.
So after the appointment which was all prescription refills and introducing my doctor to my husband (my doctor like s to keep tabs on me!) we went for lunch at the seafood place nearby. We were going to go Thai but the Thai food place was closed in the afternoon so we couldn't go. Weird but I guess they have their reasons. They close every afternoon. So we decided to get some seafood. I was going to get sushi but the menu wasn't laid out for sushi...they advertise that they make it but they don't seem to encourage you to buy it (probably because they don't have a real sushi chef) so we didn't. I had the malpeque oysters on the half shell and an order of calamari rings. My husband had linguini with blackened chicken and shrimp in a sundried tomato cream sauce. That was really yummy. I only ate about half of my calamari and will be eating the rest today for lunch! I love leftovers! I find with my drastically reduced appetite that I only eat about 1/3 or 1/2 of any meal I order in a restaurant and so my husband and I have often enjoyed the leftovers the next day as a snack or in the case of ribs from Baton Rouge, a whole second meal that left me equally as full as the first meal! I barely eat anymore...usually just Miso soup. I learned how to make Miso because I was eating so much of it that it was getting expensive to buy at the restaurant every day. So I got the recipe and now I make it all the time. It costs literally pennies per serving. I would guess that it's about twenty-five cents per bowl to make yourself and it is SO easy. All the ingredients can be kept for months (they're all dry) and you just chuck them into boiling water and presto Miso soup. Anyway, I digress. I barely eat anymore and so the leftovers rock!
Anyway we did some shopping at the drugstore while we picked up my prescriptions...my doctor couldn't believe how little morphine I've used since starting on the cannabis. He said "Wow, you really don't need the pain killers as much do you?" Nope...I definitely don't. I use morphine once in a blue moon usually if I'm having actual pain. Like pain from an actual source, like a muscle cramp that is real and not phantom pain. A muscle cramp that's real that involves muscles actually tightening up is a different kind of pain than a sore arm that's experiencing a sort of radiant pain that is typical of neuropathic pain. For neuropathic pain, I take cannabis, but for that muscle cramp, which I don't often get, but occasionally do get really badly, I take morphine. So it's kind of funny but because I don't use my morphine, he gives me lots. He said something about not needing to worry about me. So after we picked up the drugs we went home and I was absolutely exhausted. We didn't do too much, but we did a lot more than I'm used to doing...so I just went into slow motion for the rest of the night.
So with all of that you'd think I'd be able to sleep last night. Right as my husband came to bed I started to feel less tired. I kept feeling less tired until I was wide awake. I didn't fall asleep until sometime around 3:00 am but that's okay. I mean I can always make it up in a nap or just tonight when I go to bed. I try not to worry too much about insomnia...especially at this time of year when it seems to be so common. I figure that it must be the time of year for contemplation because nature seems to give us a lot of time awake with insomnia for contemplating life! It can be annoying though and so it was that I had to sort of try to take advantage of the time...in trying to remember some of my Tarot card meanings I fell asleep just as quickly as if it had been math homework! I only tried to think about them for a few minutes and whammo, I was asleep. It's because I grew interested in what I was thinking about and was really working my brain to remember the cards. I stopped thinking about the sleep. That's when I feel asleep ironically...just like the morphine. It seems to me that the more I observe the flow of things the more I realize that by being generous you become rich. By not using much morphine I guarantee my supply. By enjoying my sleeplessness I become sleepy. I'm seeing this connection in more and more things. If you want something, let it go...it will eventually come to you. Have faith in the world's ability to give you what you need and you won't need anything. Weird. I am beginning to form some theories on this (of course...stoner) but basically so far what I can see is that pushing something is often the way to lose it. Really pining for something is often the way to not get it as well. There is a relationship that I'm starting to see between how much someone WANTS something and how much they need it. It seems that the more someone WANTS something, the less have to pursue it. In fact, they should do the exact opposite to get it. When you pursue something with WANT in mind you don't seem to get it. But when you pursue something with GIVE in mind for example, then what you WANT comes back to you. You don't get what you want by working only to that goal...though that may work in a small scale to achieve some goals. To get that HUGE payoff, you need to give out completely of yourself to get back what you WANT. The only successful people in the world are those who work to give completely of themselves in order to get back what they want. Sometimes what you want is not always as great as what you thought, but that's a different life lesson! For now I'm concentrating on the idea that if you want to be rich you must be generous. I think that it's not something you need to sort of figure out how it's going to happen, just that if you're generous you will never lack for anything. Of course you still need to take care of yourself and keep yourself warm/clothed/safe and many people get caught up in that part of things, but really if you want to be rich you just have to work to give of yourself and you should be able to claim that prize. I guess my theory is not that if you want something badly enough you'll get it, I think my thinking is more along the lines of "if you become the person that doesn't care about that thing you want, you'll also get that thing you want."
Christmas Cards!
09.20.06 (11:51 am) [edit]I'm a bit of an idiot in that I usually order my Christmas cards in July sometime to avoid the rush! I buy them from one of those greeting card websites where you pick a style and then choose the verse and the ink colours and such. They cost a fortune here in Canada, but when I buy them from the States we get a great deal so it's not any more expensive than buying normal "un-custom" boxes of cards here.
I think it's funny that I love all the trappings of Christmas but I don't consider myself a Christian. I was raised Catholic but consider myself something else now. I hear "lapsed Catholic" as a term a lot. That doesn't feel right because it sounds like I forgot it somewhere. "I'm a lapsed Catholic" sounds a little like "I'm a recovering alcoholic" if you say it right. Like it's a problem of some other origin that I'm working on. No, I decided not to be Catholic, I didn't "forget"...I chose.
Back to Christmas...I love that time of year. I used to love it more though. I don't know what it is but it's just not that important to me. However, I LOVE the food and the celebration. It works out that pagans were celebrating Christmas a long time ago. The feast of Christmas takes place nowhere near Christ's birthday which I believe historically was April 6, 6 BC. Funny that he was born six years before Christ. :) Anyway, Pagans had "Winter Solstice" which was called many different names depending on which sect of pagan you talk to. They all agreed it was critical to their lifestyles and would not give it up no matter how much the Christians tried to convince them. So instead of getting rid of it, they renamed it Christmas and kept all the trappings. They said it was the celebration of Christ's birth. THAT is why Christmas is so popular...humankind has been celebrating it for eons, since before Christ was born in fact. It's a VERY pagan holiday, so I LOVE it! I love that my family loves it too. It totally flows with my belief system and theirs. That's nice.
So yeah, Christmas cards. I got mine today! They came in the mail. I was thrilled to see them because as I pointed out, I ordered them in July! I forgot what they looked like and so when they arrived and I opened them I was like "Wow, these are gorgeous!" How funny! I should clarify that they don't actually say "Merry Christmas" on them. They say "Season's Greetings" and they don't contain any religious imagery. They are literally "greeting cards". I think that it's a nice thing to do and we send them to everyone we know...not just Christians. I get really steamed when people say they don't like greeting cards that say "season's greetings" and only want Christmas greetings on them. How exclusionary. I mean you would rather not get a card that basically wishes you well than get one that doesn't have religious stuff on it? I don't have time for people like that. If you can't accept that I spent a few minutes filling in your name, address and thinking about you and hoping that you're well...well that doesn't seem very "Christmassy" at all does it? I mean that someone would say "I don't like that." The local minister (who lives down the street) gets offended if you don't say "Christmas" but he's the only one that I kind of understand that for...I mean I don't approve of that mentality but he's kind of sheltered and he IS a minister. I mean how could he feel any other way? Aside from him though, I get really steamed when people refuse my greeting because it doesn't have the word Christ in it. No other day of the year would someone correct you on how to say "good morning" or "have a nice day" or any other lame greeting we say...why does "happy holidays" garner such anger from so many people. I mean you're TRYING to say "Hey I hope your holiday, however you celebrate it, is wonderful!" and the response you get is "Don't you mean MERRY CHRISTMAS??" No, I don't. I don't actually celebrate "Christmas" so if I say it to you I'm saying "Hey your Christmas is more important than my pagan solstice" and I don't believe that. Why would I wish you "Merry Christmas" when I myself celebrate winter solstice? Can't we just agree on "Happy Holidays" and leave it at that?
So my Christmas cards arrived and they're really nice and I'm very happy about that. Can't you tell? :) Of course I sound like some crazy Pagan nazi. I'm nothing of the sort...just a "lapsed Catholic" as far as most people are concerned. I don't tell people "Actually I'm a blend of pagan that is mostly druid but has a good measure of wicca thrown in, possibly a hint of shamanism too." That doesn't look nice on a greeting card, and people hate pentacles when you send them out! They think they're "the evil eye". It's a freakin' pentacle. It stands for the four elements of nature and the fifth element of the spirit world. That's it. It's not invoking a devil, it's not a symbol of hedonism. It's a symbol that you value nature and its lessons and that you respect the spirit world. It's like having a smilie face at the end of a sentence! I've taken to using less obvious pentacles to adorn my world. Sand dollars make wonderful pentacles. They have 5 points, and form a star...so do starfish. Sometimes a less overt pentacle is more pleasing to most people.
I wonder if the reason for that is symbol envy! I mean the pentacle is WAAAAAY cooler looking than a cross. A cross is a good symbol...pretty cool as symbols go, but a pentacle is clearly cooler and perhaps early Christians were bitter that they couldn't use it and so they labelled it "evil". Perhaps it also helped them feel better about burning all those witches alive.
When you're a kid
09.19.06 (1:44 pm) [edit]You know when I was a kid I had a dream...a wish. I used to wish that I could be like Saint Francis of Assissi, a Christian saint. I wanted to be like him because he was a monk who was known for his ability to communicate with animals. When teachers at my Catholic school would ask me "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I would always answer that I'd like to be like St. Francis. I would often get told that this was like wishing to be a ghost when I grew up and that I needed to pick a "job" I would like, or pick someone who is alive to emulate. Why? I mean wasn't that was saints were for? I mean wasn't my answer the EXACT thing a Catholic school teacher would WANT to hear? No, it was not. In fact it got me treated like a bit of a loser for a while! Most of the other kids thought I was a bit odd for wanting to be some saint! But my point was not that I wanted to be a saint or that I wanted to be revered by anyone, which was what my teachers thought. They thought I wanted "glory" and used to say it was arrogant to want to be saint-like. I was full of controversy apparently at age 6...and arrogance too. Nobody in a Catholic school should want to become a saint, even though they're like "heros" in the religion...I mean what the fuck? You're telling me how great these saints are, and I agree with you and instead you tell me that I can't expect to become like St. Francis? Why? Because women can't be priests? Because wanting to be saintlike means you are arrogant and want glory that is undeserved? That's all the crap that these people carry around with them. Why are you teaching if you have this much baggage? But it's the same thing that happens with nuns...they're supposed to be these great people, but anyone who's ever had one as a teacher knows that they're very controlling and consider "arrogance" to be one of the worst things ever. Gotta make sure those Catholics aren't independant thinkers...better keep 'em humble and subserviant. Fuck that.
Anyway, fast-forward through my life to now and I'm getting back into reading about existential stuff and thinking about my life now that I can't really participate, I'm being forced to sort of live that secluded existence like a monk in a monastery by the MS keeping me at home and tired. However, with the time it has afforded me, I have started to unprogram myself from my Catholic upbringing. I have started to remember how much poetry I used to read, and write. I used to sit out in the woods for hours...strange passtime for a gregarious kid with lots of friends. I was always very different from everyone else, but somehow my folks managed to get me to sort of conform. Even if I didn't stay a Catholic, I still am a pretty shining example of Catholic values and upbringing and find myself constantly battling against conservatism. I despised the Catholic religion for many years, now I just find it entertaining! I have also come to a place where I can once again think about Christian saints again without feeling like people are going to "interpret&q uot; my intentions at all.
When I grow up I want to be just like Saint Francis of Assissi. There, I said it! :) And I'm flipping the bird at my old teacher while I do it. 
Sore Knee
09.18.06 (11:08 am) [edit]Well it's Monday and so I feel a certain level of historic entitlement to whine, even though I am currently not working. My knee has been so sore. Last night as I was falling asleep the MS was really bothering me. My legs were sore and so I figured it was just a matter of neuropathic pain. But when I woke up with even more pain I realized that it could also just be a strained knee. So I took a Tylenol and am waiting for the desired effect. My knee is just stiff for some reason...could be the MS or it could be something else. Either way it's annoying.
I'm reading this big book of astrology. It's very big and looks quite impressive but it's actually laid out with a day by day astrological layout so it's broken down by sun sign, then by the week of the sign (each sign has about a month and so it's broken down even further to specific weeks)...then it's broken down into each day of the year. So far I find the monthly and weekly breakdowns to be fantastically clear but the daily ones are not as good. They're not as bang on for each person I've mapped, but that could also be because the person was born earlier than documented or later. Sometimes the difference of an hour can actually mean they were born on a different day and that can mean a bit of a different reading. What I find is that if I look at the day before or after, I often find that THAT day is more accurate for the person and I wonder if maybe they were not documented by the attending nurses at the right times. Either way I find the weekly readings are eerily accurate so when I do hit on an accurate daily reading, combined with the weekly reading...well it really gives a good all round view of each sign, and THAT is my goal with this book.
I wasn't able to read books for a long time, in fact I still can't enjoy "story" style books anymore. Stephen King, Anne Rice and other fictional horror novelists used to fill my wish list at Amazon, but now I find I can't follow all the details of a story and so reading becomes very challenging and frustrating. But I was really pleased to discover that I can still read reference books. And that is what this big book of birthdays boils down to...a large compendium of dates and astrology influences...a reference book for astrology. In that way it's a very valuable reference book because it's not just your typical "Taurus is a stubborn bull" astrology, it's actually much more meaningful and in depth. Taurus people come in basically 4 varieties...those who are "true blue" Taurus, and then those who gradually become more and more influenced by Gemini sneaking up the rear! The "cusp" is not a DAY, it's a week or so. It's about the overlap of planets as they pass through the sun's path. So people who say "I was born on the cusp" and refer to one single day, are actually incorrect...they may have been born on the cusp but the cusp isn't just one day long, it's a week long and anyone born during that time reflects a varying degree of the next sign and their current sign. It makes a big difference too in personality types.
My father is a Leo, but he's a "Leo I" meaning he's born in the most "Leo" of Leo's whole time...he's the most "pure" Leo. My oldest brother is a "Leo II" meaning he's almost as classically Leo as my dad, but a little less so. My second oldest brother is a Leo III, meaning he's more diluted with Virgo and as a result more sensitive than my father and my oldest brother. Finally my husband is a Leo-Virgo cusp and that explains why even though I know 4 Leos, they are all very different with a common thread of being all very typical Leos in many ways. It really broke down the types so that now when I find out someone is a "Leo" I want to ask "Yeah, but which WEEK of Leo were you born in?" Because the differences are there and they're significant. My husband is the least like a Leo out of all the Leos I know and that is why I love him! He still has many of the positive qualities of Leo but his fire is quite a bit more dampened by Virgo's earthy pull...and as such he's a much more pleasant human being than my father ever was!
Because of the clarity that this particular sign was able to give me (let's face it, Leo is NOT a subtle sign) and with the clear example I had because I knew someone for each week of Leo, it really demonstrated to me that it's not just about what sign you are, but which week of each sign. The first 3 days of a new sign seem to be the "strongest" days of that sign...so I'm a Gemini, a mutable Air sign (meaning that it's the most changeable of the air signs)...Gemini is the first air sign to make its appearance on the Zodiac and as such Geminis tend to be the "classic" of the element. Taurus is the first Earth sign to make its appearance (for example) and it's very classically the hallmark of the earth signs. So Gemini is classic "air" and being that my birthday falls in the first week of Gemini, I am a "classic" Gemini. I guess that makes me the most "purely Gemini" of any of the other Gemini weeks.
I mean it's not rocket science, but it is very compelling. To read each one of those "types" and to be able to pick out why some Scorpios are evil and others are sunny happy people...it really is eerie how accurate it all seems to be!
Art Supplies
09.15.06 (4:32 pm) [edit]Mom and I went shopping today for some art supplies. I have been buying most of my supplies on Ebay. I have to say that paying "retail" for some items was a real shocker. It's been a while since I paid retail and I have to admit it is a real ripoff. I needed some beads that were of a certain size. I hadn't found any on Ebay and so I picked some up at Michael's. I got 140 10mm beads made of wood for $6.69. That's highway robbery as far as I can see. I paid less than that for 1000 of amethyst chip beads on Ebay. I also paid that same amount for 600 of these huge wooden beads with patterns on them that are way nicer.
All of that so I can make some dream catchers for Christmas gifts for my family and friends and maybe sell a few on Ebay. But I must admit that all of this has really reinforced my thinking that anyone who pays retail for anything is an idiot! Unfortunately we all don't have tons of choice in that area. I mean it's not easy to have an ebay account. For one thing, you need a credit card. It's pretty hard to get Paypal without one. It seems to me that there is a huge discrepency between what things are worth and what they cost. I mean come on 140 little wooden beads the size of pencil erasers for $6.69? Wow. That's lame.
However, now I do have enough stuff to get started on my dream catchers. I am really looking forward to it! I don't know why other than I enjoy doing some crafts, but I feel like this is an important thing I'm going to be doing. I feel like it's an expression of me, not just some little craft I've picked up to fill my time. We'll see if I'm as expressive as I thought! Maybe they'll all turn out horribly strange looking!
History repeats...
09.14.06 (10:57 am) [edit]The news was grim last night. A gunman opened fire on a school in Montreal. Bad ju-ju. The bastard was a "vampire" too...I hate that. You know I get really tired of stereotypes. This guy was obsessed with the Columbine shootings and so he dressed the part. Great, now black trench coats will be against school dress codes, mohawk hair cuts and piercings will become "evil" and anyone who is interested in vampires will be cast as a goth psycho. Great. So on top of the horrible losses and pain and anguish that this lunatic caused there will now be an even further pressure on "goths" and outcasts. Just what we needed.
I really hate these cowardly lunatics who can't just live life and try to leave a good mark on the planet. Instead they figure they need to go out in a "blaze of glory" after having accomplished absolutely nothing with their lives. You don't deserve to go out in a blaze of glory when you've never done anything worth doing. You know who should get to go out with a blaze of glory? Jimmy Carter that's who. That guy is a walking, living saint. Live a life like that and then maybe I'll consider it...but come on...some 25 year old punk with a "vampire fixation". He hadn't accomplished anything nor could he see his way clear to becoming a somebody. Instead it's just a cheesy stunt that wasn't even original. He'll be remembered, for a while. He'll be remembered as "that guy who went nuts the second time in Montreal". He wasn't even the first in his city. Cripes for someone who thought he was so original and unique, he really just copied a bunch of stuff some other people did. Lame.
So another "vampire" is in the news. You know if these people were actually vampires there is no way they'd be on a vampire board. Keep that in mind.
What a gorgeous day!
09.11.06 (3:48 pm) [edit]It's so beautiful outside here today...sunny and warm, but not too warm. I love it when the kids go back to school! I know that's terrible...I mean I actually really "feel" their pain, but the whole idea that I should enjoy them screaming up and down the street all summer is great because it's balanced by the whole school year's worth of bedtimes and homework.
I spend a lot of time outside just meditating and enjoying the birds, squirrels, chipmunks, raccoons, frogs, rabbits, deer and even bears. I really love sitting still for an hour or two just waiting for a deer to walk right by me without seeing me. I had one almost right beside me this summer. The best part about that was she was a young elk! She had escaped the elk farm. For a moment as I looked at her beautiful eyes, about 10 feet from my own I felt like we had both escaped our own prisons. She was sneaking by eating the raspberry bushes in front of me instead of being turned into hamburgers at the local elk farm and I was sitting outside talking with an elk hind instead of being enslaved in a cubicle. For one sublime moment we looked at each other completely peacefully and then we parted ways. In that moment I felt what it must be like to be in heaven.
So needless to say I prefer it when I can sit outside all day and enjoy the peace and quiet, instead of enjoying the kids running around. Kids are fun, but being with nature is just WAY better. So when school goes back in session I must admit that I revel in the peace and quiet! Of course I don't want to become one of those people kids are afraid of, and I REALLY don't want to become one of those people who are really stuck in their ways "Get that ball off my lawn!" Nah, that's not for me. So I do actually make it a conscious effort to enjoy the noise and fun of kids...but to be happy when it's over! :)
Sunday
09.10.06 (2:02 pm) [edit]Wow I'm sort of shocked at how long I slept in today. The dog woke us up at 5:00 am and then again at 6:30 and the second time he wasn't going to be ignored! Anyway, he got his walkies and then it was back to bed for everyone! We all slept until 1:00 in the afternoon. Now I hope I'll be able to sleep tonight!
I need a haircut so bad! It's been almost a year since my last one! I go when the ends start to get tangled together because going before then seems premature! My hair dresser is always like "You need to come every six weeks!" Why exactly? I mean I don't work and I rarely leave the house. Most days I'm so cold that I have to wear a hat so why would I need my hair cut so often? It's apparently got something to do with MY needing to feel pretty as a woman. I DO feel pretty, except when I go to the hair dresser and they tell me my hair is unacceptably messed up! Whatever. But now it's at the point where it's starting to be unmanageable and I can't get a brush through it! Time to get cleaned up. If it weren't for that speech I seem to have to give each fall I'd never get my hair cut!
Crazy weather
09.09.06 (2:23 pm) [edit]We had some really intense rain last night. I of course had a migraine from it so that was fun. I was able to sleep through most of the headache and woke up this morning with a small "migraine hangover" but nothing too nasty. My migraines had subsided for months because of starting on the cannabinoids, but they seem to be coming back now...most likely because of all the unstable rain storms. It's really amazing how much the changes in barometric pressure make all the difference.
Wow I'm really sleepy. This weather has had me falling asleep. It's really weird but when the rain starts up it's like it MAKES me sleepy. It's so weird. I could not keep my eyes open at supper last night because of the rain. Once it was over I woke back up. That sounds totally crazy, but it's literally like it lulls me to sleep. I actually think that the barometric pressure change may be what is causing it. Crazy brain.
Little plastic toothbrush cap thingy
09.08.06 (11:24 am) [edit]This morning I fumbled and dropped the little plastic cap off the electric toothbrush down the sink. You would not believe the stress and confusion this one little slip has caused. It's enough to make me swear off plastic caps for ever. The problem is that I'm far too "tidy" to be able to stand leaving the cap OFF the toothbrush, so instead I put it on. Clearly I'm going to have to consider some kind of drain screen or something. My poor husband is still on his hands and knees working away on the blockage. He had to go get a new wrench because of course the pipe is a diameter that is specific to emergency plumbing problems; you know, the size "whatever I don't have".
So all of that has been a needless source of stress and confusion for me today and I wasn't actually over the "lunacy" that comes from the full moon so I really haven't been sleeping or thinking the way I should be. What struck me MOST odd of all was how horribly ill-equipped I'm becoming when it comes to "dealing with stress". I mean as a "worker" in the real world I was totally capable of kicking ass and just kind of taking charge of stress. I wasn't flummoxed by anything and could always be counted on in an emergency. Not anymore. I mean jeez I just dropped the toothbrush cap! It's not like I was suddenly hit with a life and death situation...and look at me obsessing over it now! BAH! All bad.
The one thing I can say is that I did find out about the crab! That's one bit of good news...it seems the website where the crab was bought hadn't released the order from the queue and so the order had simply never been processed. That means that the crab has not left yet...and so the order will hopefully arrive within a week, cryogenically sealed in some dry ice package or something! I hope it doesn't arrive as some rotten sea bugs!
My weight is still coming down. I had gained so much when they put me on amitryptaline and now I'm back down to almost my "normal" size. I don't actually know what my normal size is since I've spent a lot of time being overweight and then not being overweight. Currently I'd qualify myself as still not the healthiest weight. I'm a bit heavier than I should be, but only by about 15 pounds. I will lose much more than that over the next few months though, because the drugs I'm on have made me lose my appetite. So it's not just that I am not eating as much, food itself doesn't interest me as much anymore. It's easy to lose weight when you don't eat! Cannabis has been great for the weight loss.
Spacing
09.07.06 (12:55 pm) [edit]It seems that this blog takes all the "hard returns" out of the typing. This line was typed with two carriage returns in between, but it shows as being in the same paragraph. I suspect it's a "freebie" thing. If I was paying for this I'm sure it would do spacing correctly
Air Mail Crab?
09.07.06 (12:34 pm) [edit]Can someone really send crab in the mail? Cooked I mean. It seems that in the US you can find restaurants who will willingly mail entirely cooked, frozen meals in dry ice to just about anywhere in the world. Wow, that's so cool. So for example, you might have a friend who goes out for softshelled crab and corn cakes for supper and decides "Hey I'm going to send this out as a birthday gift...to Canada!" And that's where we find ourselves today...waiting for crab to arrive at the post office. Of course we have no idea if it will arrive "frozen" or even "good", but I hope it does because I can't believe someone could actually send them to us! I really think that it's a sign of the times when we can receive meals in the mail! Of course I have NO idea if it will make it through customs! Can you imagine if they open it to inspect it and then it thaws? Ugh. Hopefully they won't.
Trying something new
09.06.06 (5:34 pm) [edit]Well I don't know if this is going to work out, but I will give Blogging a try. I also don't know at this point who I'm going to notify about this blog...since I don't necessarily want my mother knowing who I am when I bitch about her! :) Today I decided that I will probably begin making some dreamcatchers in my spare time...you know between the jet-setting to New York and the golf games...HA! Just kidding. I fucking hate golf. And as much as New York rocks, I can't go there anyway because I'm on cannabis and can't bring my drugs across the border without a special note for George Bush. Quite frankly I don't really want to go to a country where my medication is considered an illicit substance. That works out very well because I can't afford to go anywhere...which is exactly where my meds are illegal! Anyway, back to jet-setting! Since I won't exactly be doing too much aside from being in pain and trying to read I figured I would like to make some dream catchers for fun. My husband has said that he will sell them for me on eBay. I may also just use them as gifts for family and friends. The tarot card thing has been great for me. I'm so enjoying learning about Tarot cards. I mean I don't do that many readings with them, but I have been reading so many books and learning the different meanings of the cards and spreads. Now that I'm getting the hang of tarot, I want to learn palmistry and astrology so I can sort of do some fun "divination", mostly as entertainment but also as a way to learn about "inner stuff". I can't really explain it but the more that I learn about Tarot and other divination the more interested I become. It could be because the more I learn, the more visions I have. I never really wanted to be an "ooga booga" person, but I guess sometimes you take what you're given and stop fighting it. I've always had sensitivities and I've denied them and tried to "unlearn them" by hanging out with jocks and morons, but in the end it seems that I'm stuck with these abilities and so I might as well just embrace my inner freak and join the circus now! :)